I was going to post my opinion, conviction, feeling, idea, mind, notion, persuasion, position, sentiment, or view. However you want to say it. But, instead, I decided to write a little about the day... mundane? Oh, I don't know if my family can or ever will be considered mundane.
I went to my first LDS funeral a couple of weeks ago. It was kind of what I expected. It was similar to going to sacrament meeting minus the sacrament part and adding a few more emotions in, there were tears, but quite a bit more laughter than I usually have heard in sacrament meeting (although there was one ward I went to and laughter was a regular occurrence, it was fun).
I am not a funeral aficionado, and have been to 2 viewings and 3 funerals. Four funerals counting today. The first funeral I think was pretty non-denominational. I was dating a guy who was friends with two sisters. I, too, became friends with the younger of the two and shared her journey (on the sideline) of her mother's fight with cancer. It went from ovarian, to lung, to finally brain. It was very, very difficult to watch, especially with how young we all were. My friend was only 18 at the time and hadn't even graduated from high school. I remember how hard it was on her to lose her mom and couldn't even put myself in the position to have an inkling of what she was feeling.
The second was for my Granny...my mom tried to make it more of an Irish wake and make it more of a celebration than anything. There was music at the viewing, a lot of tears, and even more laughter and reminiscing. I guess with all the the amazing things she did and being on this earth for 80+ years, touching as many lives as she did, there were hours and hours of visiting. Although, I was there for the whole thing, I didn't go into the room until maybe the last 15 minutes. I couldn't bear to go in and look at her, it made the whole thing too real. The funeral... I don't think I have ever been so full of sorrow and pain. There was a lot of music, singing, stories, and uplifting messages. There were well over 100 people there and it was so amazing to see and hear how she touched so many lives, mine included. I will put in here that she was probably the most amazing woman I have ever met. Very multifaceted in her hobbies and her personality. The only constant with her were her Diet Cokes with Lemon and later Diet Dr Peppers and her love of God and having given her life to his work. I don't really put out my religious views or show off my spirituality too much these days, but I will say, she is the only person on the planet that has shown me first hand and proven to me that there is a God and I have never nor will I ever doubt that. The religion part is a different story but that is for another time.
Six years later, I come to my third and fourth funeral in a month's time. My friend Whitney's dad died from complications due to diabetes and prostate cancer. He has had diabetes for years, but was just recently diagnosed with cancer. It went fast. I went to Coalville to support her knowing how difficult is was for my other friend to lose a parent, it can't be any easier just because he was older. I know her mom, I love her kids like an aunt(not quite like my own, I'd have kicked both their butts by now if I did...teenagers...blah), and I knew her dad. This is the LDS funeral I was speaking of and like I said, it was nice and I am very glad I was able to go. It was great hearing some of the stories people were sharing about the grumpy, old man.
Today was the funeral for my Uncle James. I don't want to say I enjoyed it, but as far as funerals go... well, this one wasn't bad. I hate that the family got together under the circumstances we did, but I really enjoyed it. I feel that as we grow older and start our own families, we tend to move on and focus on said family. I feel that since starting my family, I want to spend more time with extended family. Sounds strange I'm sure, but, I was pretty good friends or close to each of them at one point in my life or another and I am so sad that I wasn't able to maintain. I am very glad that we are starting to connect a little more (via facebook... it's a love/hate relationship lol). It's nice we have the internet to help us stay in contact when most of us are all over the country. It was so weird to have met my cousin Chris's wife, Jonelle, over facebook and visit with her that way before we finally met face to face for the first time yesterday. I have only met half of my cousin's kids and not in 6 years. I loved meeting these kids and seeing the genetics at work and to meet their cute personalities.
I hope I can get some pictures of today so I can post them, but of course I didn't bring my camera. I hope I can talk my cousins into sharing theirs.
Today was a gorgeous, sunny, not too hot nor too cold kind of day. Linus and I drove to Brigham to the cemetery for the interment of Uncle James ashes. My Granny, Grandpa Frank, and Amelia are all buried next to each other and James was going to be placed next to them. Walking up to the burial site gave me much to think about. Watching all of the kids running around and playing made me smile but being so close to my Granny today, brought back a lot of painful memories.
We all stood around the urn the James ashes were placed into. TJ made this ceramic jar with seashells on it. I don't know how long ago, and it's not quite what I would have put him in, but we like to keep things in the family and it was very nice that he was able to stay in something TJ made. Uncle Mac led the service which consisted more of stories. I always love hearing the stories. Some are sad but most make me laugh. I found out today that my Aunt Amelia died from a chocolate allergy following surgery. I had no idea! I learned today that my Uncle James begged my Granny to make Mac stop..."what's he doing?" "He's breathing. Can't you make him stop?" HAHA! So very sibling-esque. We heard about the engagement of Granny to Frank (I call him Frank because he died 8 months after I was born and I didn't know him. He isn't Grandpa to me. He's just Frank). I learned he was born in the back of a Jeep. Mac made a pretty funny joke about Tom marrying Connie and James marrying Lynne. He talked about Frank marrying both sets at the First Baptist Church in Brigham. I also learned that people are very forgiving of the dead. Mac made mention that Frank was a bully when he was a young adult. From what I understand...he was a bully till the day he died. I guess it's not nice to speak ill of the dead.
After we prayed, James and his urn were placed in the hole and we were free to grieve and pay our last respects. It was very hard for me to see these family members whom I love grieving so much. I am so glad I was able to be there to give my support and be a shoulder. My cousin, Shiloh, took pictures and I hope I am able to get a copy of them, there look like there were quite a few good ones. I think my favorite, although very heart wrenching, was my youngest cousin, Skylar crouched and his brother, Chris, hugging him. I think I did a good job in not crying until I saw Skylar take his shoes off and bow to his sensei. That really got to Shiloh, my mom and I. James practiced martial arts for 20 years.
On a funny note, my niece, Mikayla was running around picking up rolly-pollies and really wanted to share them with my cousin, Mackenzie.She was scared to thinking the bugs would scare the "fancy lady." Bethany asked her what made her so fancy and Mikayla responded with "everything about her!"
Afterwards, we went to the First Baptist Church where Mac had dinner planned for us. How fun for all of us to spend this time together. We used to get together every Thanksgiving and Christmas at my Grandma's house in Mantua. We hadn't done that in over 10 years. Mac planned a pretty traditional Thanksgiving meal with a few family favorites included, green onions in lieu of my dad and sweet tea for all. Mikayla was just in awe that this was her family. "These people are my family?? All of these people are part of my family??" It was very cute. After lunch of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, biscuits, etc...I went home, and the beautiful sunny day had turned to rain, and got ready for the memorial service that was happening the next day.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
again... family is complicated
Every family has tragedy, drama, sicknesses, skeletons. As much as I'd like to say that is every family but mine, well, that would be a lie. Growing up, I was sure we didn't have those, but as I got older and old enough to understand them, well, I finally learned about them. Now, don't start drooling thinking that there are going to be any juicy stories. I am not going to air dirty laundry, that is tacky. I would however like to talk about the most recent development in my family that we are dealing with. It is a subject that I feel very strongly should not be considered a skeleton, but instead is a tragedy and a sickness.
My dad is the second of 4 kids, James, Amelia, and Mac. I have asked a lot of questions about my dad and his siblings. My dad and his brother James were both born in Joinkrama, Nigeria, Africa. My Granny was a Southern Baptist missionary and medical doctor there. When my dad was about 6 months old, he and my uncle both contracted polio and the family were shipped home for treatment. I never knew Amelia because she died at the age of 12 from complications due to spina bifida and hydrocephalus. I know Mac pretty well at one point, but not much of his childhood nor do I know him very well now.
Asking questions about these kids, has led me to the knowledge that my dad spent a lot of time at Grandmother Cox's house in Texas fishing and shooting birds. I finally found out why. Apparently, for my Granny and Grandpa Frank having to try to deal with James and Amelia, it was easier for them to send the easier child to Grandmother Cox. Amelia was very sick and so that was difficult, but from what I understand, James was just a very hard child to deal with. Very demanding and very time consuming.
Eventually James got married to Lynne Davis...my mom's sister. Then a little bit later my dad married my mom. So, my dad's brother married my mom's sister. Sounds a little backwoods and hillbilly, but it's not really. That makes their kids my double cousins I guess.
When I was about 1, my Grandpa Frank died from a heart attack and my dad and Uncle James took over his business of wholesale pet supplies ie: Edwards Pet Supplies. I grew up in that environment, a big warehouse that smelled of pine, fish food, and dog food, and my dad and James in an office with two desks facing each other. We would go to work with my dad in the summers and so we spent quite a bit of time with Uncle James, Aunt Lynne, and their kids.
Now, what I am going to write next will probably be offensive to some, might sound heartless to others, I don't know, I am just writing what I perceived and how I feel.
I grew up not liking the man. I didn't like how my dad acted after being with him or after talking to him on the phone. I didn't like the unease that my mom or dad exuded after speaking to him. I didn't like how he treated me or my siblings. I didn't like how he treated his family. I didn't like how he treated the workers in the warehouse. I could tell from early on that he was a difficult man to deal with and I always felt lucky that I had my dad instead of him as a dad. He was, as an adult, overly needing to be the center of attention. He always pushed the hugging and kissing on us and I am just not a fan of that sort of thing. If you don't want to hug or kiss someone, you shouldn't have to. He always made me a little uncomfortable with his pushiness. To be fair though, I will say there were many years I didn't like my dad either. We never saw eye to eye on anything. He has more than once said I was a disappointment. In my youth and my anger I have thought that I just wanted him to die. Then I would really think about it and think about what it would be like to not have him around. Even though I didn't like him at the time, I didn't ever really want him to die. That goes the same for Uncle James. Even though I didn't like him when I was younger, I would never wish that on someone or their family. And it would have been nice getting to know him with me as an adult to make a better decision on whether I still disliked him or if it had changed, like my feelings for my father have changed. I sure like the guy now, even with his quirks. It would have been nice to say that I liked his brother too, even with his quirks.
At some point, he fell and hit his head and he seemed to get worse "in the head". Now, I don't know if this falling and hitting his head made him worse, or if what they call "post-polio syndrom" was a factor, or if he just was a little off in the head and as he got older, he just couldn't control it like he could when he was younger. Who knows. But eventually, he and Lynne separated. I don't know any details. I don't know if there was a divorce. I really don't know anything other than just talk and can't really say for certain that it's valid or not. He eventually moved into a group home and lived there.
Now, I know he could not have been easy to live with. He had to be difficult to have as a father. I don't have any idea what his relationship with his kids were. It is not my place, really, to ask. It's none of my business. I've only ever once sat with any of these cousins to talk about our fathers, and that was last spring around this time when I was in Colorado for my Grandma's surgery. But, I can imagine there are some unresolved issues that would be difficult to ever resolve.
So, to the tragedy. Keep in mind, these are not the stone cold facts. This is just what I was told this morning and what I can remember after this long day. I got the news today that he called someone at the group home he is living for physical therapy and told them he was going to kill himself. He somehow got a hold of a gun and shot himself. I don't know where, either in body or place. To me, that is a shock. But, after talking to some members of the family, I guess he had been threatening and talking about it for 40 years. So, then again is the shock of "what set him off to actually do it?".
My disconnected view of this whole thing is this. I was not close my uncle and I guess some families are closer to their uncles than I am. When my husband's uncle died of brain cancer, he was very sad and pretty devastated about it. I guess that explains the reaction my friends have had about this death. I am apparently not reacting to this the way that others expect me to react. I haven't seen they guy in years and years. I am so amazingly appreciative of the support my friends have shown me and it makes comfortable I will have a great support system if/when something happens that I really, really need them.
Again, I don't know what my cousins' outlook on their father is. After talking to a friend today and discussing her relationship with her father who has been a little disconnected and difficult himself, she made a startling comment that struck a chord of truth with me and my feelings for this situation and why I am hurting for my cousins far more than I am hurting for the loss of this family member. She said that it must be harder to deal with the loss of a parent when you aren't at peace with them. There is the guilt of whatever negative feeling you were feeling the last time you saw them or the guilt of avoiding them to avoid fighting or whatever head trips that person put you on. That really makes sense to me. I can see how being at peace with your loved one either due to a long lingering illness and you knew death was imminent or if you just had a good relationship with them, must be a little easier to deal with. I will put in here that it does not mean there will not be any guilt. That is one of the stages in the grieving process, but I don't expect that it would be as long lived or that it would be the main source of the sadness.
Suicide. I want to put my two cents in on this subject. I don't ever want this sad event for my family to be a skeleton. I don't want it to be something whispered about or for it to turn into some sordid topic of gossip. My dad's younger brother asked my mom not to tell anyone that he did this to himself. I think that either he finds it to be a source of shame or that others will. I personally don't care what others think of this. I think that coming from the small town I come from and having so many people I know who have committed suicide, it would be nice to be able to openly talk about it instead of getting together in groups and whispering and pointing fingers with eyes wide with shock. I think it would be a great service to let it be known what it does to a family when a member does this great act of selfishness to themselves. What it does to their friends. I don't want to sound like some activist on the subject, but I have felt strongly on this subject for years and years. For no reason other than it is so hurtful to those around the person committing this act. I think after my own experience with it, I have nothing but anger and contempt. I had an ex-boyfriend who had the gall to give me his suicide notes and wanted me to hand them out to each person to which each was written. I can't even imagine the nerve and quite frankly wish I hadn't done all that I had done to try to prevent it from happening, I am that angry about the whole situation. Not that he has any different right to live, just that it was a supremely selfish thing to do to me and then having to explain to his mother what he had done. I don't ever want to have to see that pain in someone's eyes ever again. It was not fair to me and it was not fair to his family.
So, instead of this being a skeleton, a taboo topic in our family, I would like to say... sickness, tragedy, a sad event. But, never in whispered tones and behind my hand like it's a secret.
My dad is the second of 4 kids, James, Amelia, and Mac. I have asked a lot of questions about my dad and his siblings. My dad and his brother James were both born in Joinkrama, Nigeria, Africa. My Granny was a Southern Baptist missionary and medical doctor there. When my dad was about 6 months old, he and my uncle both contracted polio and the family were shipped home for treatment. I never knew Amelia because she died at the age of 12 from complications due to spina bifida and hydrocephalus. I know Mac pretty well at one point, but not much of his childhood nor do I know him very well now.
Asking questions about these kids, has led me to the knowledge that my dad spent a lot of time at Grandmother Cox's house in Texas fishing and shooting birds. I finally found out why. Apparently, for my Granny and Grandpa Frank having to try to deal with James and Amelia, it was easier for them to send the easier child to Grandmother Cox. Amelia was very sick and so that was difficult, but from what I understand, James was just a very hard child to deal with. Very demanding and very time consuming.
Eventually James got married to Lynne Davis...my mom's sister. Then a little bit later my dad married my mom. So, my dad's brother married my mom's sister. Sounds a little backwoods and hillbilly, but it's not really. That makes their kids my double cousins I guess.
When I was about 1, my Grandpa Frank died from a heart attack and my dad and Uncle James took over his business of wholesale pet supplies ie: Edwards Pet Supplies. I grew up in that environment, a big warehouse that smelled of pine, fish food, and dog food, and my dad and James in an office with two desks facing each other. We would go to work with my dad in the summers and so we spent quite a bit of time with Uncle James, Aunt Lynne, and their kids.
Now, what I am going to write next will probably be offensive to some, might sound heartless to others, I don't know, I am just writing what I perceived and how I feel.
I grew up not liking the man. I didn't like how my dad acted after being with him or after talking to him on the phone. I didn't like the unease that my mom or dad exuded after speaking to him. I didn't like how he treated me or my siblings. I didn't like how he treated his family. I didn't like how he treated the workers in the warehouse. I could tell from early on that he was a difficult man to deal with and I always felt lucky that I had my dad instead of him as a dad. He was, as an adult, overly needing to be the center of attention. He always pushed the hugging and kissing on us and I am just not a fan of that sort of thing. If you don't want to hug or kiss someone, you shouldn't have to. He always made me a little uncomfortable with his pushiness. To be fair though, I will say there were many years I didn't like my dad either. We never saw eye to eye on anything. He has more than once said I was a disappointment. In my youth and my anger I have thought that I just wanted him to die. Then I would really think about it and think about what it would be like to not have him around. Even though I didn't like him at the time, I didn't ever really want him to die. That goes the same for Uncle James. Even though I didn't like him when I was younger, I would never wish that on someone or their family. And it would have been nice getting to know him with me as an adult to make a better decision on whether I still disliked him or if it had changed, like my feelings for my father have changed. I sure like the guy now, even with his quirks. It would have been nice to say that I liked his brother too, even with his quirks.
At some point, he fell and hit his head and he seemed to get worse "in the head". Now, I don't know if this falling and hitting his head made him worse, or if what they call "post-polio syndrom" was a factor, or if he just was a little off in the head and as he got older, he just couldn't control it like he could when he was younger. Who knows. But eventually, he and Lynne separated. I don't know any details. I don't know if there was a divorce. I really don't know anything other than just talk and can't really say for certain that it's valid or not. He eventually moved into a group home and lived there.
Now, I know he could not have been easy to live with. He had to be difficult to have as a father. I don't have any idea what his relationship with his kids were. It is not my place, really, to ask. It's none of my business. I've only ever once sat with any of these cousins to talk about our fathers, and that was last spring around this time when I was in Colorado for my Grandma's surgery. But, I can imagine there are some unresolved issues that would be difficult to ever resolve.
So, to the tragedy. Keep in mind, these are not the stone cold facts. This is just what I was told this morning and what I can remember after this long day. I got the news today that he called someone at the group home he is living for physical therapy and told them he was going to kill himself. He somehow got a hold of a gun and shot himself. I don't know where, either in body or place. To me, that is a shock. But, after talking to some members of the family, I guess he had been threatening and talking about it for 40 years. So, then again is the shock of "what set him off to actually do it?".
My disconnected view of this whole thing is this. I was not close my uncle and I guess some families are closer to their uncles than I am. When my husband's uncle died of brain cancer, he was very sad and pretty devastated about it. I guess that explains the reaction my friends have had about this death. I am apparently not reacting to this the way that others expect me to react. I haven't seen they guy in years and years. I am so amazingly appreciative of the support my friends have shown me and it makes comfortable I will have a great support system if/when something happens that I really, really need them.
Again, I don't know what my cousins' outlook on their father is. After talking to a friend today and discussing her relationship with her father who has been a little disconnected and difficult himself, she made a startling comment that struck a chord of truth with me and my feelings for this situation and why I am hurting for my cousins far more than I am hurting for the loss of this family member. She said that it must be harder to deal with the loss of a parent when you aren't at peace with them. There is the guilt of whatever negative feeling you were feeling the last time you saw them or the guilt of avoiding them to avoid fighting or whatever head trips that person put you on. That really makes sense to me. I can see how being at peace with your loved one either due to a long lingering illness and you knew death was imminent or if you just had a good relationship with them, must be a little easier to deal with. I will put in here that it does not mean there will not be any guilt. That is one of the stages in the grieving process, but I don't expect that it would be as long lived or that it would be the main source of the sadness.
Suicide. I want to put my two cents in on this subject. I don't ever want this sad event for my family to be a skeleton. I don't want it to be something whispered about or for it to turn into some sordid topic of gossip. My dad's younger brother asked my mom not to tell anyone that he did this to himself. I think that either he finds it to be a source of shame or that others will. I personally don't care what others think of this. I think that coming from the small town I come from and having so many people I know who have committed suicide, it would be nice to be able to openly talk about it instead of getting together in groups and whispering and pointing fingers with eyes wide with shock. I think it would be a great service to let it be known what it does to a family when a member does this great act of selfishness to themselves. What it does to their friends. I don't want to sound like some activist on the subject, but I have felt strongly on this subject for years and years. For no reason other than it is so hurtful to those around the person committing this act. I think after my own experience with it, I have nothing but anger and contempt. I had an ex-boyfriend who had the gall to give me his suicide notes and wanted me to hand them out to each person to which each was written. I can't even imagine the nerve and quite frankly wish I hadn't done all that I had done to try to prevent it from happening, I am that angry about the whole situation. Not that he has any different right to live, just that it was a supremely selfish thing to do to me and then having to explain to his mother what he had done. I don't ever want to have to see that pain in someone's eyes ever again. It was not fair to me and it was not fair to his family.
So, instead of this being a skeleton, a taboo topic in our family, I would like to say... sickness, tragedy, a sad event. But, never in whispered tones and behind my hand like it's a secret.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Ancient History
I am going to spend tomorrow or someday this week trying to figure out how the scanner works and how to get the pictures posted to my blog. I have so many pictures I want to share and I am going to apologize ahead of time to those of you whose pictures are going to posted.
I'm sorry, so sorry, don't hate me, I ask your forgiveness but not your permission. Teehee.
I am loving this being an adult thing more and more. I miss the carefree days of not having bills, not having responsibilities, not having anyone reliant on me, but as I believe I have written in the past, I love eating my dessert first if I want to. I love getting to go to a restaurant and only getting an appetizer if that's what I want. Or having the choice of when AND where I eat. I also love learning. I am learning so much about myself and about others that I am really enjoying my relationships as of late.
Please, let me state my disclaimer... I may not be the best friend you have during the best of times, but I will always be there for you when you need me. I may let you down during the fun days, but I will never let you down during the bad days. I will never, ever let you down when you need me and when you need a friend the most.
I have been able to get back in contact and spend more time with friends past. Friends past including one who I have known the longest. Twenty-four years I believe. Holy Smokes does that make me feel old. I have spent time with a friend I have know just as long and have been on again/off again friends this whole time. High School was fun with her and taking strength training together (she was one tough chicken!!). I have also spent a lot of time recently with a friend who started out being friends with my sister, Melissa Tyne. I have known this young lady since I was 11 or 12.
These ladies have seen me through many stages in my life. Many strange hair styles, makeup styles, clothes styles, and I have even lived with one of them for a week at a time here and there due to camps and mission trips we went on in High School.
Miss S, Miss A, and Miss K. You guys have really been a blast from the past and I am enjoying every minute of it.
Miss S, Miss A, and I have been getting together with our kids and dogs and getting a cuppa and going to the park or some other outdoor place. It's been a lot of fun getting to know these two better, especially seeing them as mothers. I've known Miss S since as long as I can remember. We have been friends off and on for years and pretty much stayed as friendly acquaintances throughout High School. She has always been very friendly and unassuming. I don't remember her ever caring who was friends with who, she would talk to those around her and joke around. At least that was my experience. Miss S is very natural. I really like this quality in her. She does not eat meat, she boycotts leather, and will buy local before anything else. It's very cute seeing her eyes and eyebrows on her cute little girl. I love that she, too, is a dog person. She also has a great, natural aspect of childbirth and raising of her child. Her outlook was the same as mine until I actually tried to plan mine and God laughed at me and decided to have something totally different happen. She is a HUGE advocate of breast feeding which I am think is very important. I unfortunately could not do that as long as I would have liked, but I am glad to see that more and more women are coming to find this as a norm. I would love to be able to go out in public and not have to deal with the stares and glares of those around me. Miss S, you are such a great "granola" princess.
Miss A moved to Garland, oh, I have no idea when. But, she and her family started coming to church where my family went and she and my sister hit it off and became fast friends. Her mom and my mom also became friends, so it was inevitable that I would get to know her pretty well. I remember "babysitting" her and her brother for a week while her mom was out of town for work or a church thing. I only remember two things about that week and neither of them was about Miss A, I am pretty that is a good sign and that she was great. I have known Miss A through her "goodie-goodie" days (LOL) and I knew her when she rebelled as we all do at some point in our lives. I have really good stories of her and some not so good stories. I am glad not very many people know me as well and for as long as I have known her, I am sure she's got some good ones and I would hate for that many people to have good stories.
I think my favorite memories of Miss A are the times that we spent prepping for and engaging in a Vacation Bible School week in Ignacio, Colorado. She and I taught the class of 4 and 5 year old pre-schoolers. All of us girls that went have some good stories of the houses and the people that were so generous to let us stay for the week. Our house wouldn't let us take showers longer than 5 minutes and the huband was a professional artist. Nothing too big a deal though that I remember. And our time in Glorieta, New Mexico... those are always good memories and I have very fond ones the year I went with her.
I was very surprised to learn that she had gotten married and had kids. I guess most of my friends and those in the varying surrounding circles just never seemed the settle down types. She has although accomplished in her early years what most never ever do, she met the perfect other half and is really enjoying life. She is very much an avid outdoorsman (or outdoorswoman for those feminists out there) and seems to have a great love for the outside, wilderness, and nature. I have only met one of her children and she is amazingly well behaved for how young she is. Of course, there is that hint of spunk that all little girls have, but she all in all keeps it under wraps in front of us guests. I am also a little surprised, but so very excited and proud of what she has accomplished in her spiritual life. She goes to a Baptist church in Holladay where she and her husband lead the youth group. She has some amazing stories about what they have done and accomplished (one of the stories is about how the youth group fasted for 30 hours I think and had a lock-in at the church and raised money for world hunger. AMAZING) Listening to her talk about the youth and what they have managed to get them excited to accomplish is pretty amazing. Going on mission trips and helping those that are less fortunate among the many things is amazing to me. Not enough kids get a chance to see what they have so they can really appreciate it.
It is very humbling to hang out with her and I feel a little more zen after spending time with her. There was a minute of her life where she was very intense and I know that comes with being unhappy and confused while being a teenager. Now, she is still intense in a very different way. She is VERY passionate about what she does and what she believes in but has wisdom beyond her years about not pressuring those around her to feel the same. You can sense her passion and her peace and it's a very peaceful aura to be around. Thanks Miss A! You are a true "natural" princess.
And last but not least, Miss K. I just figured I've always known her! I know there was an intitial meeting and get to know each other process, but I guess she has always been a kindred spirit and so it never really stuck in my memory as a strange and awkward event. She and I have been through a lot. I have been best friends with her since the 1st grade. We were thick as thieves for years. We had other friends kind of come and go in our little duet, but nothing that ever stuck in the middle of the two of us. I pretty much lived at her house. Every day after school, we'd go there and I would eventually make it home to my house. Her parents of so great to me and I appreciate their tolerance of my loitering at their residence. We were readers, writers, imagineers, we would push each other to do better in school. I think we had the best relationship, we could both be competitive, but it was never to the detriment of the other, we just wanted each other to excell. Oh, and we fought. Did we ever. We were like sisters for so long that nothing was taboo in the fights. Plus, we were both pretty good at thinking on our feet that it got pretty good. I still remember a few and they make me giggle.
Around the 6th grade, I started to feel the pull of peer pressure. I never cared before, but I guess that is part of the puberty thing. Something in the hypothalamus or the neocortex of the brain becomes sensitive to that sort of thing to go with the hormones, zits, and awkwardly growing bodies. I started spending a lot of time at church because they started a youth group. I really wanted to be a part of this group because I was not Mormon and not that it mattered at the time, it did now that I was looking at boys and wanting to date (sometime in the near future). So, I started to spend more and more time with these kids with the youth group and became really good friends with one of the girls there. She and Miss K did not get along so well. I wish I had the knowledge then of what I know now, and I would have just said that Miss K really meant too much to me to start spending so much time with this other girl, but again, peer pressure and wanting to fit in somewhere and wanting others to like me caused me to make a bad choice. I say it's bad now, only because I was not liked in the youth group for a few years. In fact, I think I can honestly say that most of the kids were downright cruel to me. I would go home, cry a lot, and then go back trying to make an effort to get along with these kids who went to a church and were supposed to believe in the same religious views that I did. There was a lot of suffering on my part for about 3 years dealing with church and youth group and missing my best friend. I couldn't just stop going to church, it was important to my Granny, therefore, it was important to me. Especially since I lived with her for so long and was living with her a lot at the time.
Now, why, do you ask, did I not just go to my best friend Miss K and tell her I was wrong to phase her out and that I would like to try to stay friends? Pride. Isn't that a sin or one of the 7 deadly something or others? I felt so dumb about it, and figured she'd laugh at me, and figured she had moved on and found better friends than me. It was a sad time. I needed a friend so bad in the 7th and 8th grade that I could really feel I could be myself with and I had put that person out of my life. Now, don't get me wrong, I had a few friends at the time, but no one I hung out with and no one I felt I could be myself with. I think 7th and 8th grade was the worst time of my entire life. Without a doubt.
So, moving on to High School, I had met a girl who was in band with me and I had a few classes with whom I became better friends with than I had in a while. She also had a friend with whom I became friends and we were the 3 musketeers for a little while before stupid girl stuff parted Miss M from our little trio. (That's another story that I regret. She was a fun, fun girl and I loved her parents.) By then, I was getting over this youth group thing, realizing I didn't care what they thought, I was different, I was becoming ok with that, and I was moving on. I guess basically I was growing up a little. I think it also helps I got my braces off and got contacts so that really helped me with my self esteem a little bit. Of course, I still missed Miss K, but we were running in VERY different circles by then. I was sure she would just laugh at me if I were to try to elbow my way in.
I will say, that no matter what happened, he family still really was a part of my family. Her dad ALWAYS kicked my ass...literally, when he saw me and gave me a hard time for not coming around or not taking his class. Her older sister was always nice and friendly and we'd chat. Strangely enough, Miss K's big sister and I ended up becoming friends and she was very close friends with the man I ended up marrying. I think that is something akin to fate or karma or something and that Miss K and I are supposed to be friends no matter what... isn't that what a BFF is? LOL
During High School, we would see each other and we would stop and visit, but I think we were both nervous about what the other thought about our friendship. I guess communication and going out on a limb are things you learn as you get older.
2006. Ten years after High School. So much has happened with me as well as with Miss K. Hanging out with my future husband and all of his friends (including the older sister to Miss K) I was able to eventually get an email address, start to email and now with it being 2009, we are finally getting to know each other again. She was able to come to my wedding in 2007 which was a big deal to me even though we hadn't really talked or spend much time catching up at that point. It's been so much fun reminiscing and really letting out our sides of our stories. It's been very uplifting and I feel like a weight has been lifted. Really, she and I are kindred spirits and I wish we weren't too old to have sleep overs. (And if you are reading this, watching "Ghostbusters" and rewinding the scary part over and over or watching "Young Guns" cause Emilio is hot.) I think we could spend weeks just talking and telling stories and getting to know each other a little better and become a little more up to date. It's too bad we have the distance of 60 miles to have a visit, and having kids makes it hard, but email is awesome, and I am going for a visit this week.
So, all of this reminiscing started with an email I got for my birthday. It still makes me cry when I read it. She sent something to me that has really made my year. It has touched me in a way that makes me so happy... well, lame as it is, I guess it's because it is so from the heart and not at all surface talk... "For the record, I never thought you were plain or gangly. You were my best friend and I always thought you were beautifully perfect!" Ya, I know, I am pregnant and hormonal, sue me. It makes me laugh that I remember her old phone number from childhood and every year I have always thought of her on her birthday. Strange. But, like I said, I love being an adult more and more the older I get and realize that I am only living by the boundries I am setting for myself. I am branching out, no more fear, no more regrets. Well, working on that, I am still a shy, insecure, girl that no one gets who is a bit strange on the inside. =)
PS- remember how we both used to fight over who got to name our Barbie Jessica? You almost always got the right. I was very surprised to find out you didn't name your daughter Jessica. LOL.
I'm sorry, so sorry, don't hate me, I ask your forgiveness but not your permission. Teehee.
I am loving this being an adult thing more and more. I miss the carefree days of not having bills, not having responsibilities, not having anyone reliant on me, but as I believe I have written in the past, I love eating my dessert first if I want to. I love getting to go to a restaurant and only getting an appetizer if that's what I want. Or having the choice of when AND where I eat. I also love learning. I am learning so much about myself and about others that I am really enjoying my relationships as of late.
Please, let me state my disclaimer... I may not be the best friend you have during the best of times, but I will always be there for you when you need me. I may let you down during the fun days, but I will never let you down during the bad days. I will never, ever let you down when you need me and when you need a friend the most.
I have been able to get back in contact and spend more time with friends past. Friends past including one who I have known the longest. Twenty-four years I believe. Holy Smokes does that make me feel old. I have spent time with a friend I have know just as long and have been on again/off again friends this whole time. High School was fun with her and taking strength training together (she was one tough chicken!!). I have also spent a lot of time recently with a friend who started out being friends with my sister, Melissa Tyne. I have known this young lady since I was 11 or 12.
These ladies have seen me through many stages in my life. Many strange hair styles, makeup styles, clothes styles, and I have even lived with one of them for a week at a time here and there due to camps and mission trips we went on in High School.
Miss S, Miss A, and Miss K. You guys have really been a blast from the past and I am enjoying every minute of it.
Miss S, Miss A, and I have been getting together with our kids and dogs and getting a cuppa and going to the park or some other outdoor place. It's been a lot of fun getting to know these two better, especially seeing them as mothers. I've known Miss S since as long as I can remember. We have been friends off and on for years and pretty much stayed as friendly acquaintances throughout High School. She has always been very friendly and unassuming. I don't remember her ever caring who was friends with who, she would talk to those around her and joke around. At least that was my experience. Miss S is very natural. I really like this quality in her. She does not eat meat, she boycotts leather, and will buy local before anything else. It's very cute seeing her eyes and eyebrows on her cute little girl. I love that she, too, is a dog person. She also has a great, natural aspect of childbirth and raising of her child. Her outlook was the same as mine until I actually tried to plan mine and God laughed at me and decided to have something totally different happen. She is a HUGE advocate of breast feeding which I am think is very important. I unfortunately could not do that as long as I would have liked, but I am glad to see that more and more women are coming to find this as a norm. I would love to be able to go out in public and not have to deal with the stares and glares of those around me. Miss S, you are such a great "granola" princess.
Miss A moved to Garland, oh, I have no idea when. But, she and her family started coming to church where my family went and she and my sister hit it off and became fast friends. Her mom and my mom also became friends, so it was inevitable that I would get to know her pretty well. I remember "babysitting" her and her brother for a week while her mom was out of town for work or a church thing. I only remember two things about that week and neither of them was about Miss A, I am pretty that is a good sign and that she was great. I have known Miss A through her "goodie-goodie" days (LOL) and I knew her when she rebelled as we all do at some point in our lives. I have really good stories of her and some not so good stories. I am glad not very many people know me as well and for as long as I have known her, I am sure she's got some good ones and I would hate for that many people to have good stories.
I think my favorite memories of Miss A are the times that we spent prepping for and engaging in a Vacation Bible School week in Ignacio, Colorado. She and I taught the class of 4 and 5 year old pre-schoolers. All of us girls that went have some good stories of the houses and the people that were so generous to let us stay for the week. Our house wouldn't let us take showers longer than 5 minutes and the huband was a professional artist. Nothing too big a deal though that I remember. And our time in Glorieta, New Mexico... those are always good memories and I have very fond ones the year I went with her.
I was very surprised to learn that she had gotten married and had kids. I guess most of my friends and those in the varying surrounding circles just never seemed the settle down types. She has although accomplished in her early years what most never ever do, she met the perfect other half and is really enjoying life. She is very much an avid outdoorsman (or outdoorswoman for those feminists out there) and seems to have a great love for the outside, wilderness, and nature. I have only met one of her children and she is amazingly well behaved for how young she is. Of course, there is that hint of spunk that all little girls have, but she all in all keeps it under wraps in front of us guests. I am also a little surprised, but so very excited and proud of what she has accomplished in her spiritual life. She goes to a Baptist church in Holladay where she and her husband lead the youth group. She has some amazing stories about what they have done and accomplished (one of the stories is about how the youth group fasted for 30 hours I think and had a lock-in at the church and raised money for world hunger. AMAZING) Listening to her talk about the youth and what they have managed to get them excited to accomplish is pretty amazing. Going on mission trips and helping those that are less fortunate among the many things is amazing to me. Not enough kids get a chance to see what they have so they can really appreciate it.
It is very humbling to hang out with her and I feel a little more zen after spending time with her. There was a minute of her life where she was very intense and I know that comes with being unhappy and confused while being a teenager. Now, she is still intense in a very different way. She is VERY passionate about what she does and what she believes in but has wisdom beyond her years about not pressuring those around her to feel the same. You can sense her passion and her peace and it's a very peaceful aura to be around. Thanks Miss A! You are a true "natural" princess.
And last but not least, Miss K. I just figured I've always known her! I know there was an intitial meeting and get to know each other process, but I guess she has always been a kindred spirit and so it never really stuck in my memory as a strange and awkward event. She and I have been through a lot. I have been best friends with her since the 1st grade. We were thick as thieves for years. We had other friends kind of come and go in our little duet, but nothing that ever stuck in the middle of the two of us. I pretty much lived at her house. Every day after school, we'd go there and I would eventually make it home to my house. Her parents of so great to me and I appreciate their tolerance of my loitering at their residence. We were readers, writers, imagineers, we would push each other to do better in school. I think we had the best relationship, we could both be competitive, but it was never to the detriment of the other, we just wanted each other to excell. Oh, and we fought. Did we ever. We were like sisters for so long that nothing was taboo in the fights. Plus, we were both pretty good at thinking on our feet that it got pretty good. I still remember a few and they make me giggle.
Around the 6th grade, I started to feel the pull of peer pressure. I never cared before, but I guess that is part of the puberty thing. Something in the hypothalamus or the neocortex of the brain becomes sensitive to that sort of thing to go with the hormones, zits, and awkwardly growing bodies. I started spending a lot of time at church because they started a youth group. I really wanted to be a part of this group because I was not Mormon and not that it mattered at the time, it did now that I was looking at boys and wanting to date (sometime in the near future). So, I started to spend more and more time with these kids with the youth group and became really good friends with one of the girls there. She and Miss K did not get along so well. I wish I had the knowledge then of what I know now, and I would have just said that Miss K really meant too much to me to start spending so much time with this other girl, but again, peer pressure and wanting to fit in somewhere and wanting others to like me caused me to make a bad choice. I say it's bad now, only because I was not liked in the youth group for a few years. In fact, I think I can honestly say that most of the kids were downright cruel to me. I would go home, cry a lot, and then go back trying to make an effort to get along with these kids who went to a church and were supposed to believe in the same religious views that I did. There was a lot of suffering on my part for about 3 years dealing with church and youth group and missing my best friend. I couldn't just stop going to church, it was important to my Granny, therefore, it was important to me. Especially since I lived with her for so long and was living with her a lot at the time.
Now, why, do you ask, did I not just go to my best friend Miss K and tell her I was wrong to phase her out and that I would like to try to stay friends? Pride. Isn't that a sin or one of the 7 deadly something or others? I felt so dumb about it, and figured she'd laugh at me, and figured she had moved on and found better friends than me. It was a sad time. I needed a friend so bad in the 7th and 8th grade that I could really feel I could be myself with and I had put that person out of my life. Now, don't get me wrong, I had a few friends at the time, but no one I hung out with and no one I felt I could be myself with. I think 7th and 8th grade was the worst time of my entire life. Without a doubt.
So, moving on to High School, I had met a girl who was in band with me and I had a few classes with whom I became better friends with than I had in a while. She also had a friend with whom I became friends and we were the 3 musketeers for a little while before stupid girl stuff parted Miss M from our little trio. (That's another story that I regret. She was a fun, fun girl and I loved her parents.) By then, I was getting over this youth group thing, realizing I didn't care what they thought, I was different, I was becoming ok with that, and I was moving on. I guess basically I was growing up a little. I think it also helps I got my braces off and got contacts so that really helped me with my self esteem a little bit. Of course, I still missed Miss K, but we were running in VERY different circles by then. I was sure she would just laugh at me if I were to try to elbow my way in.
I will say, that no matter what happened, he family still really was a part of my family. Her dad ALWAYS kicked my ass...literally, when he saw me and gave me a hard time for not coming around or not taking his class. Her older sister was always nice and friendly and we'd chat. Strangely enough, Miss K's big sister and I ended up becoming friends and she was very close friends with the man I ended up marrying. I think that is something akin to fate or karma or something and that Miss K and I are supposed to be friends no matter what... isn't that what a BFF is? LOL
During High School, we would see each other and we would stop and visit, but I think we were both nervous about what the other thought about our friendship. I guess communication and going out on a limb are things you learn as you get older.
2006. Ten years after High School. So much has happened with me as well as with Miss K. Hanging out with my future husband and all of his friends (including the older sister to Miss K) I was able to eventually get an email address, start to email and now with it being 2009, we are finally getting to know each other again. She was able to come to my wedding in 2007 which was a big deal to me even though we hadn't really talked or spend much time catching up at that point. It's been so much fun reminiscing and really letting out our sides of our stories. It's been very uplifting and I feel like a weight has been lifted. Really, she and I are kindred spirits and I wish we weren't too old to have sleep overs. (And if you are reading this, watching "Ghostbusters" and rewinding the scary part over and over or watching "Young Guns" cause Emilio is hot.) I think we could spend weeks just talking and telling stories and getting to know each other a little better and become a little more up to date. It's too bad we have the distance of 60 miles to have a visit, and having kids makes it hard, but email is awesome, and I am going for a visit this week.
So, all of this reminiscing started with an email I got for my birthday. It still makes me cry when I read it. She sent something to me that has really made my year. It has touched me in a way that makes me so happy... well, lame as it is, I guess it's because it is so from the heart and not at all surface talk... "For the record, I never thought you were plain or gangly. You were my best friend and I always thought you were beautifully perfect!" Ya, I know, I am pregnant and hormonal, sue me. It makes me laugh that I remember her old phone number from childhood and every year I have always thought of her on her birthday. Strange. But, like I said, I love being an adult more and more the older I get and realize that I am only living by the boundries I am setting for myself. I am branching out, no more fear, no more regrets. Well, working on that, I am still a shy, insecure, girl that no one gets who is a bit strange on the inside. =)
PS- remember how we both used to fight over who got to name our Barbie Jessica? You almost always got the right. I was very surprised to find out you didn't name your daughter Jessica. LOL.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
It's my party and I can cry if I want to...
So, I am a big fan of my birthday, and I want everyone to celebrate it with me. I like to promote it and have a big to do. One year, the best birthday ever, I think I spent 2 weeks every evening out with a different friend or two having dinner or drinks or just having a good time. It was great to celebrate it for so long with so many of my friends.
This year...well, let's just say it wasn't the best one I've ever had. And not because I am getting older. I don't really seem to care about that.
I invited a whole bunch of people over to my house for a get together. I got quite a few "I'll be there's" and even more "I'll try to be theres". So I expected a crowd which would have been great. I am very excited to have a house I can entertain in.
I started my day with a whiny baby. Linus had to be held and when I put him down he'd get hysterical. GRRRRR! Baby! I have stuff I have to do! So I started to clean my house so it would be guest ready.... and continued to have a whiny, crying baby on my hands. Then, Moxie got stuck under the bed and couldn't get out. So, drop everything and lift up the mattresses so she can stand up and get out. Linus, still, won't stop crying. He is dry. He is fed. He has napped. He isn't too cold. He isn't too hot. He just wants to be freakin held. Why on the day that I have a million things to do??
Not to mention that I couldn't keep any food down. I was starving and everytime I ate, my belly felt so good... for 3 minutes. Then I projectile vomited without any warning. Gross to read? Ya, grosser to experience. No nausea, no turning stomach, nothing, just puking.
My beautiful, gentle giant dog is usually great in the kitchen. She hardly ever counter surfs or gets into stuff in the kitchen she isn't supposed to. Well, not this day. She stood up on her hind legs and used her long front legs to pretty much sweep everything off the counter before I could get to it to put it in the dishwasher. There goes glasses and plates. Again, because I have nothing better to do. I am pretty sure I almost killed her that day and she knew it. When I put her in the back room with access to the back yard and shut the doggy door, she didn't even whine. She knew dog-mommy was mad, mad, mad.
At this point, with the mess Moxie made, Linus still whining, I was starving and nothing would stay down (which makes anyone crabby I am sure) I was to the point of having a break down. I love my babies and would never hurt them, so, for their safety and mental sanity, like I said, Moxie was put in the backyard and I put Linus up in his crib. Thank God for ipods and earphones! I put my earphones in and cranked up my ipod and cried. And cried. And cried. I am pretty sure that Linus and I both cried for a good 2 hours. I wouldn't go get him and I cleaned my kitchen and when I was done crying, he had finally fallen asleep. I am aware that being pregnant doesn't help what with the hormones and all, but I have felt so good this time that I think when I don't feel good, it really hits me hard.
Oh, and can I say that by the time I had my melt down, I am very thankful Matt wasn't home. I think I would have thrown his Nutella jar and Nutella covered knife at him. He was late for work and I looked over and there was a butter knife covered in Nutella just sitting and getting hard on my counter. Ya, I know. Stupid thing to get so mad about but OMG! It's one of my pet peeves especially since there is a sink not 3 feet away. I know I am bad at doing things that are his pet peeve, but that was just a bad bad day to run into that. Normally I just curse a little to myself and then just clean it up.
I actually got my house cleaned, my self showered and done up, and everything was good to go before the time frame that I set for myself. And I waited for people to show up. Well, not even a tiny fraction of those I had hoped to show did. Sixteen people total. Six were family. Two were technically Matt's friends. (Not that I don't count you as friend Buddha and Dave but you know you come to see Matt more than anything. LOL) Needless to say, I was a little disappointed that so many people just couldn't come for whatever reason. Work, sicknesses, forgot, etc. I understand, I really do, but I am pregnant guys. I am sensitive and my feelings get hurt when my husband raises an eyebrow wrong at me. So... I am not mad. I am not resentful. My feelings were just hurt that day. But, I did get some nice Facebook wishes and texting wishes and I really appreciate the mailed cards.
Maybe next year will be better. I better not be pregnant again.
This year...well, let's just say it wasn't the best one I've ever had. And not because I am getting older. I don't really seem to care about that.
I invited a whole bunch of people over to my house for a get together. I got quite a few "I'll be there's" and even more "I'll try to be theres". So I expected a crowd which would have been great. I am very excited to have a house I can entertain in.
I started my day with a whiny baby. Linus had to be held and when I put him down he'd get hysterical. GRRRRR! Baby! I have stuff I have to do! So I started to clean my house so it would be guest ready.... and continued to have a whiny, crying baby on my hands. Then, Moxie got stuck under the bed and couldn't get out. So, drop everything and lift up the mattresses so she can stand up and get out. Linus, still, won't stop crying. He is dry. He is fed. He has napped. He isn't too cold. He isn't too hot. He just wants to be freakin held. Why on the day that I have a million things to do??
Not to mention that I couldn't keep any food down. I was starving and everytime I ate, my belly felt so good... for 3 minutes. Then I projectile vomited without any warning. Gross to read? Ya, grosser to experience. No nausea, no turning stomach, nothing, just puking.
My beautiful, gentle giant dog is usually great in the kitchen. She hardly ever counter surfs or gets into stuff in the kitchen she isn't supposed to. Well, not this day. She stood up on her hind legs and used her long front legs to pretty much sweep everything off the counter before I could get to it to put it in the dishwasher. There goes glasses and plates. Again, because I have nothing better to do. I am pretty sure I almost killed her that day and she knew it. When I put her in the back room with access to the back yard and shut the doggy door, she didn't even whine. She knew dog-mommy was mad, mad, mad.
At this point, with the mess Moxie made, Linus still whining, I was starving and nothing would stay down (which makes anyone crabby I am sure) I was to the point of having a break down. I love my babies and would never hurt them, so, for their safety and mental sanity, like I said, Moxie was put in the backyard and I put Linus up in his crib. Thank God for ipods and earphones! I put my earphones in and cranked up my ipod and cried. And cried. And cried. I am pretty sure that Linus and I both cried for a good 2 hours. I wouldn't go get him and I cleaned my kitchen and when I was done crying, he had finally fallen asleep. I am aware that being pregnant doesn't help what with the hormones and all, but I have felt so good this time that I think when I don't feel good, it really hits me hard.
Oh, and can I say that by the time I had my melt down, I am very thankful Matt wasn't home. I think I would have thrown his Nutella jar and Nutella covered knife at him. He was late for work and I looked over and there was a butter knife covered in Nutella just sitting and getting hard on my counter. Ya, I know. Stupid thing to get so mad about but OMG! It's one of my pet peeves especially since there is a sink not 3 feet away. I know I am bad at doing things that are his pet peeve, but that was just a bad bad day to run into that. Normally I just curse a little to myself and then just clean it up.
I actually got my house cleaned, my self showered and done up, and everything was good to go before the time frame that I set for myself. And I waited for people to show up. Well, not even a tiny fraction of those I had hoped to show did. Sixteen people total. Six were family. Two were technically Matt's friends. (Not that I don't count you as friend Buddha and Dave but you know you come to see Matt more than anything. LOL) Needless to say, I was a little disappointed that so many people just couldn't come for whatever reason. Work, sicknesses, forgot, etc. I understand, I really do, but I am pregnant guys. I am sensitive and my feelings get hurt when my husband raises an eyebrow wrong at me. So... I am not mad. I am not resentful. My feelings were just hurt that day. But, I did get some nice Facebook wishes and texting wishes and I really appreciate the mailed cards.
Maybe next year will be better. I better not be pregnant again.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Linus updates.
I figured I haven't posted in a long while and so I would throw out some Linus updates.
Linus has been army crawling on the floor for a little while now, but yesterday, he figured out how to crawl on his hands and knees. He even likes to use his right foot to step. It looks mighty awkward, but he seems to like it.
He has had the white bumps under his gums for three weeks and FINALLY! his tooth popped through. He now resembles Captain Caveman and every time I look at him that particular cartoon character's "Caaaaaptaiiiin Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaave-maaaaaaaaaan" runs through my head. His second tooth on the bottom has just broken through so we are well on our way to no longer having a baby, but having a full fledged toddler running around.
It has been a lot of fun for me to listen to him practicing his sounds. When he is alone in his crib or playpen, he'll sit and talk to himself and his toys. He has gotten really good at "da-da-da-da" and will even call out "Dad!" He has yet to even get the mmm sound in unless he is crying and he'll get a pathetic "uuuum". He likes to stick his tongue out and rub the bottom of his tongue on his teeth, while saying "dadada". He'll also mimic anyone sticking their tongue out. He thinks it's hilarious. His new thing also is to nod his head "no". He has no idea what that means, but when he nods his head "no" along with "dadada" it seems he is referencing the dogs. When he just nods his head "no" with no noise, it seems he is referencing the fact he is tired and would like to go to bed. He'll lay in bed and rub his head "no" on his blankets.
He has started doing the cutest thing in the world to me. He'll sit in his playpen with his toys and he'll pick up one of his baby brushes. Somehow, he knows to used the bristle side down and will brush his own hair. It is so stinking cute and I can't help but laugh right out loud every time I see it. It must feel good.
We've started working on learning parts of the face. If I can get the little booger to pay attention to me, he'll actually point to my nose and my mouth. That's as far as we've gotten with multiple successes. Plus, I am afraid to have him try to point at my eyes... him grabbing my mouth with the little vice-grip hands is painful enough.
I can't believe how aware and autonomous he has gotten so fast. He is becoming fully aware of body parts and it's a little weird to me. I understand he is a boy and I understand that it is normal for him to realize he has a penis and to fiddle with it. I fully expected this. What I didn't expect was for him to be so aware of my boobs and want to fiddle with them. He hasn't breast fed since he was 3 months old, and I would assume that if he was still breast feeding, they wouldn't be strange to him and he would be comfortable with them but also I would be more comfortable with him in that area. We have been taking baths together since his was 2 weeks old, it's not like they just popped out of nowhere. I just find it a little strange that I all of a sudden, within the last week, have to wear a swimsuit with him when I bathe with him. Otherwise, he pays no attention to the bath, but to mommy's body, which due to his young age, he doesn't really understand "don't touch please, those aren't yours".
By the way, I don't think I have ever mentioned what a water baby I have. If the shower is running, he tries all he can to get into the water. The dogs' water dishes have to be put up because he'll splash in them until they are empty. When we take baths, he loves to lay on his stomach and swim back an forth and put his face in the water. He even blows bubbles under the water. I would be lying if I said his face in the water didn't make me nervous, but I guess I figure if I am in the tub with him watching over every second, there isn't much chance for something bad to happen. I can lay him on his back in the tub and he just lays back and relaxes. Even in the shower, he'll just cuddle up and relax. The water splashing in his face doesn't even faze him. He loves it. I can put water on his face and he just smiles and tries to lick it off.
Those are my latest updates. Nothing big and fancy, but he is getting big and for the most part, we are having fun.
Linus has been army crawling on the floor for a little while now, but yesterday, he figured out how to crawl on his hands and knees. He even likes to use his right foot to step. It looks mighty awkward, but he seems to like it.
He has had the white bumps under his gums for three weeks and FINALLY! his tooth popped through. He now resembles Captain Caveman and every time I look at him that particular cartoon character's "Caaaaaptaiiiin Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaave-maaaaaaaaaan" runs through my head. His second tooth on the bottom has just broken through so we are well on our way to no longer having a baby, but having a full fledged toddler running around.
It has been a lot of fun for me to listen to him practicing his sounds. When he is alone in his crib or playpen, he'll sit and talk to himself and his toys. He has gotten really good at "da-da-da-da" and will even call out "Dad!" He has yet to even get the mmm sound in unless he is crying and he'll get a pathetic "uuuum". He likes to stick his tongue out and rub the bottom of his tongue on his teeth, while saying "dadada". He'll also mimic anyone sticking their tongue out. He thinks it's hilarious. His new thing also is to nod his head "no". He has no idea what that means, but when he nods his head "no" along with "dadada" it seems he is referencing the dogs. When he just nods his head "no" with no noise, it seems he is referencing the fact he is tired and would like to go to bed. He'll lay in bed and rub his head "no" on his blankets.
He has started doing the cutest thing in the world to me. He'll sit in his playpen with his toys and he'll pick up one of his baby brushes. Somehow, he knows to used the bristle side down and will brush his own hair. It is so stinking cute and I can't help but laugh right out loud every time I see it. It must feel good.
We've started working on learning parts of the face. If I can get the little booger to pay attention to me, he'll actually point to my nose and my mouth. That's as far as we've gotten with multiple successes. Plus, I am afraid to have him try to point at my eyes... him grabbing my mouth with the little vice-grip hands is painful enough.
I can't believe how aware and autonomous he has gotten so fast. He is becoming fully aware of body parts and it's a little weird to me. I understand he is a boy and I understand that it is normal for him to realize he has a penis and to fiddle with it. I fully expected this. What I didn't expect was for him to be so aware of my boobs and want to fiddle with them. He hasn't breast fed since he was 3 months old, and I would assume that if he was still breast feeding, they wouldn't be strange to him and he would be comfortable with them but also I would be more comfortable with him in that area. We have been taking baths together since his was 2 weeks old, it's not like they just popped out of nowhere. I just find it a little strange that I all of a sudden, within the last week, have to wear a swimsuit with him when I bathe with him. Otherwise, he pays no attention to the bath, but to mommy's body, which due to his young age, he doesn't really understand "don't touch please, those aren't yours".
By the way, I don't think I have ever mentioned what a water baby I have. If the shower is running, he tries all he can to get into the water. The dogs' water dishes have to be put up because he'll splash in them until they are empty. When we take baths, he loves to lay on his stomach and swim back an forth and put his face in the water. He even blows bubbles under the water. I would be lying if I said his face in the water didn't make me nervous, but I guess I figure if I am in the tub with him watching over every second, there isn't much chance for something bad to happen. I can lay him on his back in the tub and he just lays back and relaxes. Even in the shower, he'll just cuddle up and relax. The water splashing in his face doesn't even faze him. He loves it. I can put water on his face and he just smiles and tries to lick it off.
Those are my latest updates. Nothing big and fancy, but he is getting big and for the most part, we are having fun.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Family's complicated
My sister, Melissa Tyne who is two years and 4 days younger than me, has been a source of pain, anger, guilt, and jealousy as long as I have known her. Among those emotions, she has also been the source of friendship, laughter, joy, fun, loyalty, and has shown me how to work hard.
My earliest memory of my sister: Every where we went, people would bend down to her and say, “look at that hair of yours, look at those cute cheeks, look at those big brown eyes!” I was usually then just ignored. Hmmmm. I think right there is where the jealousy came in. I wanted to be cute too! In reality I went through a 28 or so year awkward stage, starting at birth.
Tyne and I used to be two peas in a pod. I remember fishing trips with her and playing in the front yard. We once painted our front porch yellow and blue. We got into so much trouble together. I have so many great memories when we were really little that I can’t even name them all. We used to run around naked in our fruit orchard…in fact all over our property. We’d play in the irrigation water and the cluttered upstairs rooms of our house trying to discover treasures. She has never liked to sleep alone and we both used to sleep in my twin bed, my head at the head, her head at the foot. I remember my mom roasting pumpkin seeds one year after we carved our pumpkins and Tyne and I snuck downstairs that night to sneak some. I am pretty sure that we had eaten all of them by morning.
Growing up we lived in a big, old house. The light switches were in weird places and not easily accessible, especially in the dark, of which we were both scared of. So, if one of us had to go to the bathroom, we’d wake the other and make a quick field trip. Before we came up with this potty plan of attack, I was using my “little people” toys farm silo and a pillow. Now, I don’t remember this…my mom so kindly likes to remind me of her discovery of my potty tools upstairs and when I say remind me, I really mean she likes to poke fun at me.
During elementary school I remember her being so much fun. She would come up with all sorts of games to play with TJ and Bethany. They were always playing. Me, on the other hand, just sat in my room and read or played Nintendo or was at a friend’s house. Every once in a while I joined in and loved it, but I would always forget how much I liked it and so the next time I would gloomily sit out. I hated that everyone loved her and wanted to be her friend. She had so many friends all the time. I was different. I was a strange kid. I had such an imagination and my mom let us be, so my hair was never done, my clothes never matched, and I wanted to be a boy, so I wore boy clothes and had boy haircuts. Plus, I wore glasses, always had a retainer, was gangly, and had the freckles. Oh, and if my hair wasn’t cut boy style, it was permed, poodle like. In fact, guess who taught me how to do my hair… my Uncle Geoff. I was such a tomboy. So needless to say, I was ridiculed in elementary school and teased relentlessly. I had my one very best friend, Kristen, and then Angie was our friend off and on. I remember hating to be in my own skin. I think I started growing up a little too fast and went into adolescent depression in the 3rd grade. I was the moody, unpleasant, anti-social kid who hates the family very early. I never went through that in high school when everyone else around me was going through that sort of thing. But, really what I am trying to say in this paragraph is that I missed out on knowing my littlest sister and brother growing up while Tyne really got to know them.
One thing that I am forever mad at myself for is not being more aggressive in standing up for my little sister. Every year it snowed during the winter and there was an LDS ward building next door to our elementary school. The snow plow would come by and plow the parking lot and leave a huge pile of snow that us kids would play on after school. Tyne was waiting for me one day when I was in the 6th grade and she in the 4th, I don’t know if I had something going on or if I was just slow getting out of school, but my next memory is very vivid. She came running up to me on the sidewalk in front of the school holding one hand in the other with blood dripping and she was near hysterical. One of the boys in my class (and yes, I still remember his name) had cleats on and stepped on her hand and then twisted. I sat next to him in class and he turned to me and said, “that was funny what I did to your sister huh!” I wanted to kill him!!! I think the thing that broke my spirit right at that moment and kept me from doing anything to him (and didn’t get myself kicked out of school either) he said to me, “you are the ugliest person I have ever seen.” I know this is an awful thing to say now, being 30 and all, I wish I could go back and just knock him into the next week! Tyne’s hand got infected and yucky and it had to have hurt and I didn’t do anything!! I know that should be the parent’s place to do something, but I feel that as the older sister, and having been there, I should have knocked his block off. Even now, when I see him, I want to go smash his nose and then ask him if he remembers that day and tell him that was for my sister. It’s so sad that I can’t let that go and I am still so angry and passionate about it. Guilt. That is what I feel when I think of this story.
Our birthdays are 4 days apart. Mine is April 10th and hers is the 14th. If you notice, hers is the day before tax day. Now, I am not sure if that is the reason for the occurrence or not, but my birthday was forgotten. I remember on more than one occasion, someone would give her a gift and turn to me and say, “isn’t your birthday around this time?” I would nod and say, “yes, it was 4 days ago.” We would go over to our grandparent’s house and they would have her gift and my grandma on more than one occasion would have to scramble for a gift for me. I even remember once that Tyne’s name was on the cake and my name was obviously squeezed in on the bottom. I always said it was better me than her, but that doesn’t mean that it is fun to be forgotten. I was envious that she was remembered and I was forgotten.
Earlier I spoke of our looks when we were younger. It got even worse for me when we got older. Here is this cute little girl, with big, brown eyes, she never seemed very gangly, always proportioned pretty good (just always very skinny while I have always been “curvy”), this very cute straight nose (it’s my dad’s nose), darker complexion skin, and perfectly straight teeth. Everything I have always wanted. I had frizzy hair, freckles, glasses, braces, pale, big feet, you name it.
Regarding our family relationships, she was a daddy’s girl. I am more like my mom and she is more like my dad. My mom and I always got along and Tyne and my dad always got along. I was so jealous of how well they got along, mostly because, for the longest time, I was under the assumption that my dad hated me. Now that I am older, I understand that he just didn’t know how to relate with me nor I with him, so we just decided without realizing it to ignore each other. Even now, they still understand each other very well, and she is such a better daughter than I have ever been. She is always there and even though she may not have the time or the energy, she makes the time and energy to help out.
I have always been kind of selfish. I am learning the value of my family, friends, and how to put myself in others’ places. I have been awful at that for most of my life. This selfishness and inability to put myself in others’ shoes has been one of the reasons for our falling out. We are both awfully reactionary and I really have been an awful sister to her. More Guilt.
One instance was the clothes thing. We both liked each others clothes but didn’t want each other to wear them. We couldn’t ask because the other would say no, so we would sneak into each others rooms and steal them. Then when we would sneak into each others rooms to get our own clothes back, we’d then scream at the other. We both did it, we were both guilty of it, I don’t know if one did it more than the other, and at this point, that is moot, but now I think it is kind of weird that we got so violently angry over something stupid like clothes. I guess that’s pretty normal for sisters to do.
We have always had issues with boys between the two of us. I had a boyfriend that tried to put the moves on my sister, and by the time that that happened, she didn’t dare tell me because she didn’t think that I would listen to her. That really hurt me. I feel so awful that I made myself so unavailable to her.
Another problem we had was her high school boyfriend. He didn’t like me and I didn’t like him. At the time, I couldn’t believe that she would choose her boyfriend over me, but now that I am older, I understand. I think all girls choose their boyfriends over all others at least once in their dating lives. I felt the need to protect her so I totally “mothered” her. “Tyne, don’t do this, Tyne, don’t do that” and of course she is going to do exactly what I told her not to do. Also, I was pretty hypocritical about it, I was doing all of the things that I told her not to do, but I figured that I wasn’t going to get hurt or do anything too stupid. Not that she would have or did, but I wanted to make sure she didn’t get hurt. I know now that it didn’t come off that way, it came off that I was a nag and trying to be too motherly when I didn’t have the right to do so.
We did hang out in high school. We had a lot of the same friends. My friends became hers and I think to some extent her became mine. I know I was a little jealous of her that she dated a guy I had a huge crush on at one time. I didn’t when they dated, but I was still jealous that she was able to date him and I couldn’t. Now I am thankful that it turned out the way that it did. I was a little hypocritical of things, I wanted to be her friend, and I liked having her friends as mine if they wanted, but I didn’t want any of my friends to be hers. I always figured that they would figure out that she was the more fun of the two and I would slowly be wedged out. Of course that never happened, and she was always very great and it was always a ton of fun, but I am sure that is part of the adolescent insecurity.
When she turned 17, she got pregnant with Tytan. I don’t think I ever passed judgement… I am not sure though, we have never really talked about it. I am pretty open about most things and I believe she would choose the route with this baby that was best for her. She did not prove me wrong. She had this cute little baby and has raised him and he is one of my favorite little kids. I wasn’t very supportive of her pregnancy though. I never asked her how she was doing, I never offered to go to the doctor with her, I am pretty sure I didn’t even get her a baby gift. That would be me: selfish, self-centered at the time. I was working the day she had him and I at least went to see her when she was in the hospital. I contribute a lot of this “unsupportive” behavior to being so unready to have kids myself and none of my friends had any, so I didn’t know how to be supportive. Then, when she got married, I wasn’t very good about calling and going over and helping her. I never offered to take her kids so she could just have a day to herself. I never bothered to help. Again, I didn’t know.
The story is the same when Tyler was born, so I don’t need to go into it, but it’s embarrassing to say I didn’t learn from my mistakes. I didn’t know they were mistakes. I didn’t really know how to be a very good sister.
My sister then went through a very difficult time with a divorce and I couldn’t even be bothered to help her with that. I was in a bad relationship also and I hated how this guy acted toward her and my family and so I pretty much chose to avoid them to avoid him. Again, I had a boyfriend that was interested in my sister other than as my sister. I had a boyfriend that would go out of his way to get into her business and try to tell her what to do and it wasn’t very good advice I don’t think. He came off pushy and nagging and so she pretty much was polite to his face and then went home and ignored all he had told her.
So, it was about this point, I was realizing that I wanted to have more of a relationship with my sister and her family and I was very unsure how to go about doing this. When I finally broke up with this creep mentioned above, he was still visiting her at work and I hated it and felt awful that he wouldn’t go away.
I asked my youngest sister, Bethany, to move to Salt Lake and live with me. She had a little baby girl and I knew that she wanted to go to school and make something of herself. I didn't feel that Brigham was the best place for her to do that, so I offered to live with her and help her out while she was going to school. That was one of the best things I have done. We got to know each other and we now have a relationship we wouldn't have otherwise had.
I really wanted to find a house and have all us girls and kids living together, but what with Tyne's job in Brigham and my job in Salt Lake and Bethany going to school in Salt Lake, it wasn't to be.
I started having Tyne's two boys spend the night every once in a while, but we still didn't talk on the phone very often. I don't think we really got to a good place to start to mend our relationship until she was pregnant with her last baby and I got pregnant. To share that with her has really bonded us together more. I was able to call her and ask her questions about being pregnant and we could call and bitch about whatever was going on. Once Linus was born, I could call her and ask her advice on how to take care of this strange new addition to my family.
I now feel that she feels comfortable calling me to ask me to watch her boys (which I should add that I love to do). She invites us over to hang out at her house which I really enjoy doing. Just sitting and visiting with her reminds me of the good old days. I play with her babies, she plays with my baby, and it's a great time. She calls just to talk on occasion and I go to her work to visit.
We are slowly but surely repairing years of damage. I am so excited to see what the future holds for my sisters and I. I love that even after the bitter fighting when we were kids, all of us siblings are getting along and actually like each other and have become 3 of my favorite people!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Blossoming
It has taken me 30 years to figure out who I want to be.
It has taken me 30 years to figure out that I get to choose who my friends are.
It has taken me 30 years to figure out that I don't need everyone to like me.
I have spent a long time in a love/hate relationship with my jobs. I have finally learned the difference between taking pride in my job and working hard and taking my job way, way too seriously. I think it's important to take my job seriously to a point, but I was doing it to a fault. I was sacrificing the important "people" relationships. I finally took a job and decided that I was going to enjoy my work, enjoy my coworkers, and enjoy the patients. Trying to do the best that I could and let the rest just slide off my back like water off a duck. This time around at work I am loving it, other than the inevitable babysitter dilemmas.
I am not sure where my need to be liked by everyone comes from. I am going to say it comes from my mom. She too came to the same realization that I did, but not until after I learned this from her. I have had a lot of friends who were no good and I couldn't reach my full potential as a person. I have finally realized that just because someone is nice to me and wants to be friends, doesn't mean that I have to reciprocate. Therefore, I get to choose my friends. It's very liberating to feel this way. It's also very liberating to understand that just because I want to be friends with someone and they don't... well, oh well. That's ok.
I love facebook.com. I have been able to get back in contact with old friends that due to life I have lost track of. Most of them that I have lost contact with were good friends to me and I never appreciated it. Now that I am older and I know who I want to be, I definitely appreciate them and what they have to offer me as a person.
There is a fine line between not caring what people think of you and being obtuse and obnoxious about it. I think the first comes when you learn to love yourself and learn to be you and be respectful at the same time. The other happens either when you get old or when you are a combative teenager.
I normally have a very high learning curve... I feel that I have spent years and years making the same mistakes over and over. I have the social learning curve of an F student. It's slow and hard and it's been a long process but I am learning and really enjoying life.
I will give credit where it's due in this learning process. My husband, who wanted to be a sociology major until he figured he couldn't get a job, has taught me a great deal. Linus has taught me a great deal also. I have also learned to be a morning person to an extent. That, my friends, is a great feat.
It has taken me 30 years to figure out that I get to choose who my friends are.
It has taken me 30 years to figure out that I don't need everyone to like me.
I have spent a long time in a love/hate relationship with my jobs. I have finally learned the difference between taking pride in my job and working hard and taking my job way, way too seriously. I think it's important to take my job seriously to a point, but I was doing it to a fault. I was sacrificing the important "people" relationships. I finally took a job and decided that I was going to enjoy my work, enjoy my coworkers, and enjoy the patients. Trying to do the best that I could and let the rest just slide off my back like water off a duck. This time around at work I am loving it, other than the inevitable babysitter dilemmas.
I am not sure where my need to be liked by everyone comes from. I am going to say it comes from my mom. She too came to the same realization that I did, but not until after I learned this from her. I have had a lot of friends who were no good and I couldn't reach my full potential as a person. I have finally realized that just because someone is nice to me and wants to be friends, doesn't mean that I have to reciprocate. Therefore, I get to choose my friends. It's very liberating to feel this way. It's also very liberating to understand that just because I want to be friends with someone and they don't... well, oh well. That's ok.
I love facebook.com. I have been able to get back in contact with old friends that due to life I have lost track of. Most of them that I have lost contact with were good friends to me and I never appreciated it. Now that I am older and I know who I want to be, I definitely appreciate them and what they have to offer me as a person.
There is a fine line between not caring what people think of you and being obtuse and obnoxious about it. I think the first comes when you learn to love yourself and learn to be you and be respectful at the same time. The other happens either when you get old or when you are a combative teenager.
I normally have a very high learning curve... I feel that I have spent years and years making the same mistakes over and over. I have the social learning curve of an F student. It's slow and hard and it's been a long process but I am learning and really enjoying life.
I will give credit where it's due in this learning process. My husband, who wanted to be a sociology major until he figured he couldn't get a job, has taught me a great deal. Linus has taught me a great deal also. I have also learned to be a morning person to an extent. That, my friends, is a great feat.
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