Random Tidbits.

I haven't written in a while... it seems to be the same for most of the blogs I'm following. Summer is hitting and we're all getting busy. Not so much me as I don't have so much to write about.

Not too long ago, a friend and I went to a parkway type area around 15th south and 9th east to walk our dogs and kids. It's a dirt walkway that loops around millcreek river or something like that. It was a glorious day. It was intermittently raining and mostly sunny and the air was nice and cool. The walkway was awful muddy and I am glad I have a baby backpack to put Linus in.

Most of the walk we saw dogs off leash and my friend had hers off leash (although he is a better dog and not so lurpy), I decided to take Moxie off hers and run around. She is so big and so unaware of her body, it made me very nervous and I was afraid she would fall down the embankment. Not to mention the super skittish dogs people had off leash there (?!?!). I am not sure I understand and maybe it was just my big, dopey, playful puppy that caused that, but I ended up putting her leash back on her. I have a face harness that makes it a dream to walk her, but it was in the backpack that Linus was in and so I waited until there was a spot to sit and get her situated.

The next thing that happened ended in 5 VERY slow moving seconds for me. I put Linus down, and luckily my friend was there to hold him upright since it's not the best baby backpack and he tipped over initially. I had Moxie's leash in my hand and around my wrist and a little Yorkie comes bebopping down the path. For some reason, Moxie took it upon herself like never before that she either needed to kill this dog or be it's friend. I don't know, but my heels were dug in and she dragged me a good 3 feet before we hit steps. Somehow, I got my balance enough to go down the stairs and down the trail for about 10 feet. I saw a fence and grabbed with my free hand and managed to stop Moxie from running and pulling me face first through the deep mud just down the path. I am not sure how I managed to not only stay on my feet but not hurt myself or pull my arm out of socket. I tried to let go of the stupid leash and let whatever happens happen, but my hand was locked in the loop and I had no choice but to go along for the ride. Whew! Thank God Linus wasn't on my back and I am not further along in this pregnancy. My friend, to my surprise, managed not to laugh too out loud at the debacle.

Next day, I am so sore from the neck down I can barely move. Not a bad trade off for what could have happened. I am pretty sure that Moxie thought I was going to kill her after the whole thing was said and done with. Poor thing. My pregnancy rage mixed with a giant puppy sometimes isn't a good thing. Luckily, she is mellowing out, figuring out what is expected of her and she has been an angel lately. Which is a good thing and brings me to my next little story.

Matt wants to buy a blue. I think he's crazy, but it has been my dream since knowing of their existence to have a blue. Can I turn this down?? I keep thinking it would mellow Moxie out a bit to have a friend to play with and after having her, what's one more right? He wants to show or breed her... we'll see if this even happens. Until then, we have been spending a lot of time online conversing with people and sending in puppy applications. Sheesh.
Matt with his son... being a great dad.

4 Generations at their favorite eating establishment... Crownburger.
Grandpa Kirk with 2 of his 3 favorite things. Russell and Linus (we didn't get Sam in this one sorry guys.)



Sunday was Father's day. We had made plans to go to Matt's Grandparents house who live right around the corner from his parents. The Hadfield side got together for dinner and I really enjoyed it. I really enjoy his family, his aunts, uncles, and grandparents. His Grandma Darlene asked all of the dads to stand up and give some bit of advice that they would like to give if today were their last day. Grandpa Reid talked about his faith and how he knows the church and the scriptures are true. Most everyone else said something to the effect that you need to live the right way, even if it's the hard way, and make sure that if someone hears your name, they know that it's a good name by how you lived. Matt's dad, Kirk, got up to give his advice while holding Linus. Of course, Linus curled right into him and cuddled up to him right at that moment and got some emotions going and we all know I cried. =D Kirk blamed his good family and good life on his lovely wife, Jeri, and I hope that at some point Matt feels that same about me and our family. Thanks you guys! It is so great being part of your family!!

I called my dad and wished him Happy Father's Day. We aren't so good at planning sometimes and both dinners were at the same time. I figured that whomever is planned first, I will go to, but we usually can manage to work both families in. Oh well, I really didn't need Red Lobster anyway *sigh*. I managed to let Matt sleep in a little bit and then brought him breakfast in bed. That was the extent of my gifting this year. Sorry sweetie. It's a tie every year here on out ok?

So, the pregnancy is progressing smoothly. Nothing is amiss, I am getting bigger and consequently more uncomfortable. It's a little more difficult trying to pick up Linus so hopefully he'll be walking soon. He likes to kick me in the guts and oh boy that hurts. We still don't have a name for Little B and may end up naming her Little. I am starting to have sleeping woes but so far the heartburn has been kept at bay very well by Tums. I am thinking I may need to go in for a massage and I don't care what I have to do to pay for it. We'll see... it's just hard not knowing what to do with Linus and trying to schedule something blah blah blah. But, 23 weeks and on the shorter but harder end of my trip. I saw a family Sunday that made me think of Matt and I and our family. There was the mom and dad and a son and daughter about 9 and 10. Then about a 2 year old and she was ready to pop with her 4th. I assume that will probably be us. LOL. Gave us both a chuckle.

lights, camera, action

I really shouldn't be posting anything on movies, I haven't gone out to see a movie since Linus was about 2 months old. I have, though, rented at redbox, and although the price is only a dollar, I am getting pretty consistent at having $7 movies that I watch once. Lame.

I know that this probably goes against all popular opinion, and since the 2nd one is coming out, I must touch on Twilight. I hated it. Hated, hated, hated it. I really enjoyed the books but thought the cheesy "tween" factor was a little much added with the "OMG I love you" soap opera style. The vampire/werewolf stuff was fun and all in all it was pretty entertaining, but I am not sure at what age the impending sex and the over and above "in love" is appropriate before it gets too cheesy. I think the book did a better job of not making it seem so daytime soap-ish. I hated most of the casting. I think that Bella was the only one who fits (plus she's super cute and I'm partial cause she looks like my friend) but she really seemed to fit what I had in my head from the book. The rest... well, it left quite a bit to be desired. Were there no better looking people to play the vampires? It's Hollywood ladies and gentlemen, there must be a plethora of people who would have cast better than what actually was chosen. I had a waiter in a restaurant on Hollywood Blvd who was hotter than who they picked for Edward. Sorry all you ladies that love him, but he just didn't do it for me as Edward after reading the book and then seeing him in Harry Potter. Although, I will admit, he does have a pretty good crooked smile, but still.

I saw the trailer for New Moon and I will, against my better judgment, say I am kind of excited for it. I am excited to see what they do with Jacob and his character in the movie. I am really hoping the the special effects aren't as disappointing this time around as I found the special effects were rather lacking in Twilight.

My 6 year old niece has a crush on Jacob, so maybe I'll use that as an excuse to go see it and I won't subject my hubs to it (not that I think I could drag him with me if he were drugged and tied up, but whatever).

While looking online for the trailer to New Moon, I found a blog website dedicated to new movies coming out. I found some very exciting things that piqued my interest...

First off, I am very excited to see Julie&Julia. The Julia Child movie with Glen Close. It just seems like my cuppa tea. Not slapstick funny, not a romance, not a documentary, just a fun movie. I think I relate to the part in the trailer where the girl melts down with stuff on the floor or when the pot flies off after she put a lobster in.

I am excited to see The Proposal. Only because of Ryan Reynolds. I love everything he does and I think that pairing him with Sandra Bullock will be a great romantic comedy.

If you know me well, you know I have a huge crush on Robert Downey Jr. Don't ask me why, I don't know. Because of this crush is the only reason I hoped Danny Gokey would win American Idol. He has a hint of Robert Downey in him. The movie "Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang" sealed my love affair from affar with Mr. Downey Jr. I have yet to watch a movie of his and not enjoy it. I am excited to see the coming Iron Man 2, I have been wanting to watch "watchmen" (yes redbox, here I come), I will admit there were parts of Tropic Thunder that I enjoyed. Mostly no to the Ben Stiller parts but I liked RDJ's part of the movie. I would like to announce... Sherlock Holmes!! Robert Downy Jr. plays Holmes, Jude Law is Watson and it looks amazing. I am giddily excited for that.

The next flick that I am excited beyond all reason is the new Hobbit movie. Guillermo del Toro who was part of Pan's Labrynth, The orphanage, and Hell Boy 2 is going to be part of this. In my exhausted state, I am not going to research what part he played during each movie, but I believe he is directing the Hobbitt movie. Regardless of what part he is playing, I have the utmost expectations that this is going to be fabulous and I am grateful that it has waited until now to come out. If you don't know what I am talking about, his special effects are better than anything out there. Faint of heart... probably don't want to watch Pan's Labrynth. Not into comic book movies, probably wouldn't interest you to see HellBoy 2. The orphanage is a Spanish horror movie. It was a great movie, but not too many are into watching a scary movie with subtitles. Mean you have to pay extra special attention to the screen. bwahahaha. It really has a sad ending and it made me cry and I was not with baby hormones, so that should tell you it's sad if you have kids. Heartbreaking really. But, the Hobbit...who didn't see at least one of the Lord of the Rings trilogy? I think the Hobbit will bring Mr. del Toro just a bit more mainstream and as I have a strong appreciation for amazing special effects, I am excited about it. I heard him talking on X96 about it and he is even filming in New Zealand so the atmosphere should be very similar feeling to the Lord of the Rings trilogy. How exciting!

Ya, I'm a dork. Even my husband has said that I am a dork and that's why he loves me. I love Star Wars and all sorts of science fiction and comic book movies so I am excited for the movies that most of you ladies will not be interested in... but such is life. =) Different strokes huh?

Plus 1 makes 4

So, in case you haven't heard, we are (I will say 90% sure) having a girl. WooHOO! I think...

This whole having babies business is something else. I am actually mostly enjoying it this go-round. Mostly, I think I am savoring because despite what Matt thinks, this might be our last. I am not sure I can deal with 3, even though everyone says, after two, three is nothing... well, I am not sure I can even deal with two, but too late huh?

I go to an OB/GYN who has ultrasound machines in all of the rooms, and so instead of feeling and measuring the fundus of my uterus, he measures every time with the ultrasound. Which I love. I love getting to see the baby when I couldn't feel her or when I didn't feel pregnant. It makes it much more real and easier to "connect" to her. Usually, we get pictures, but as I just got done telling Dr. Housel, "she sure is a wiggle worm" he let me know that she sure was cause she wouldn't sit still for a picture. She did move around enough that we got a peek to see we're having a hamburger instead of a hotdog . (sorry, but that's what it looks like on the ultrasound haha) In 3 weeks, I'll be having the targeted ultrasound to make sure that since everything has a place, it is actually in said place. So far though, nothing looks out of ordinary and I am pretty sure that this might be the start of an ADHD scary situation. I am mostly kidding when I say that.

So, I thought Matt and I had figured out the naming situation until I found out today that the name we had picked out had "lost it's luster" to him... so, I guess we are going to go back to arguing girl names. He likes Lucy and I am just so uninterested in having a daughter named Lucy. About as much as I enjoyed some of his previous suggestions: Cherry, Bambi, Kitty, to name a few. So..... the tedious process begins. I would like to just stick to our original plan, but unfortunately someone, (TJ) made a joke about the name and I think ruined it for Matt.

I'll share. I really like the name Frankie for a girl. I figure that it's kind of a nickname type name so I wanted to name her Franklynne Rose. All 3 are family names and Matt's mom had an Aunt Frankie. I love it. Well, eating lunch with TJ, he asks me what we are going to name our daughter and I tell him. "oh you should name her Franklynne Elenore." Preceded to giggle and I had to tell him I didn't get it. "Like Franklin Deleno." Ahhh. So I said, I was thinking more along the lines of Franklynne Rose. So he gets to giggling more and says, "How about Franklynne Elenore Rose Velvet?" Well, of course that's funny, and I did get a kick out of that, and laughed even harder when after talking to Bethany that same day, I told her the funny name story and she said "that's weird, Mikayla just got done saying we should name her velvet." Huh. That's creepy a little. I just told TJ that I loved it. He was a great president and part of our nations history and what better way to honor him than by spoofing his name.

My second choice of names is Cambria Tyne. I love the name Cambria. She can go by Cam, by Bri, by Cammi, or Tyne, all of which I love. Or the first name I have ever loved for a girl, Amelia Rose. Or Dehlia Blue. I want something that isn't so strange people can't wrap their heads around it but that will kind of stick. Linus is just strange enough that it sticks in the brain.

I guess we have 20 weeks and then a month after she's born to figure out what exactly we are going to label her for the rest of her life. I have a feeling she is going to Matt's little Lou regardless of what's on the official paperwork. He asks me every day, "so what are we gonna name her?" Blah, neither of us can agree on anything.

Oh, and for those of you wondering why I'm a teensy bit terrified of having a girl...well, do any of you know of a little girl who isn't dramatic? AND, I know how I was a baby and little girl and how Mikayla is now...Holy Smokes I think we are in trouble. Linus very much has Matt's demeanor. Is it too much to hope Little B does too? Oh, and even after living with Bethany and Mikayla for 4 years, I still can't do a braid or a ponytail. Bethany would constantly ask "who did your hair today?" with a big grin on her face. "Looks like your dad did it." Great. I'm going to have the ragamuffin in the neighborhood. Wait a minute, are there even kids in my neighborhood? I don't even know.

Just some websites that I have found that I like

I wanted to post a quick blog posting about some websites that I like.

www.babysteals.com - This website is pretty cool. There is nothing to look at but what they are selling for the day. They put one thing up for sale every day at 9am and it is usually pretty well priced, like today there are 3 different types of Robeez shoes for sale for 50% off. I like to check it every day to see if there is something I can snag, so far, nothing for me since I didn't know the gender of this upcoming baby, but now, well, watch out credit card.

www.miracleblanket.com - I don't know how many of you reading this have a new baby or will be having one or know someone who is going to... I can name at least 4. Of those, I don't know how many of you swaddle your babies. Linus loved to be swaddled, then he'd wiggle, work his arms out, and then do a baby jerk and wake himself up. I truly believe he would have slept longer and better had I had this blanket. I am buying one for Little B. I would have bought one for Bethany's baby, William, but he likes to have his arms up by his face, so he doesn't like to be swaddled. I did buy one for Jen and Tina's baby Cooper. They rave about it. I think he was a week old and they told me that he slept 4 hours at a time by a week old. There is a link to the right of my posts that you can go and check it out and watch a cool little video about how it works and you can buy it from there. Really, check it out if you or someone you know has a baby on the way and you are interested in swaddling.

Also, off to the side are links that may or may not be interesting. I have found some interesting link and some not so interesting links, but if something piques your interest, feel free to click away.

www.familysleep.com - So, I was recommended this book by my sister-in-law, Jessica and Matt's mom bought it for me. It's called "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. As Linus was getting bigger, I wasn't sure how many or how long his naps should be, so I started to read this book and I found it to be amazing. It is a great book that you can really tailor for you and your family, not one of those "you have to do it this way to the 'T' or no way!". Linus has been sleeping through the night almost from the get go, apart from his need to feed, and by 3 to 4 months, has been an all night baby. I will say the teething time and runny nose days are a little different, but that's to be expected, I don't think anyone sleeps through the night under those circumstances. It must be a pretty good deal since Bethany's pediatrician is telling her a lot of these ideas that are in this book. This website has a lot of interesting ideas, tips, baby stuff, etc. It is really interesting and fun to go through.

http://babystrology.com/baby-games/peepeeteepee/ - if you can click this link, do it. It is hilarious!! If you know anything about baby boys, you will enjoy this game.

I can't think of anything else right at the moment. But, if I think of anything, I'll throw it out there.

By the way, I just read a book called "The Bromeliad Trilogy" by Terry Pratchett. It is a young person's book, but it was really cute and really fun to read.

my best birth

This post, I'm embarrassed to say, is going to kind of show my OCD side.

With Linus, I figure that knowledge is power and so I read and researched about birth plans and options and figured that the more I knew, the less scared I was going to be about the impending birth. I was prepared, I was ready, and then... well... having a birth plan for me is ridiculous. Nothing ever goes as planned. Ever. My mom has sticky notes that say "want to make God laugh? make plans." That should be my disclaimer statement. I was induced because of possible IUGR and so everything that I wanted was thrown out the window.

This time around, I again, am reading things. I like to know my options. I came across a book called "Your Best Birth" co-written by Ricki Lake and Abby Epstein. Apparently, Ricki Lake did a documentary not too long ago called "The Business of Being Born" which cause quite a stir and caused a lot of problems between health professionals of all sorts, midwives, doulas, nurses, doctors, etc. I haven't seen the movie, so I can't state any of my opinions about it, but, this book was very interesting.

She is trying to promote knowledge among pregnant women, let them know of their options, and that way women can make a choice that is better for them and their birthing experience. Some women are perfectly fine going in, getting the IV, getting strapped in, tied up, drugged up, layed down, feeting in stirrups, and push. Those who are ok with that, that is fantastic! Especially since that is what you are mostly likely going to get when you go to the hospital.

I personally have no interest in home birth. It is so fascinating that some do that and I am in awe of those that can. I wish I felt that I had the inner strength to say, "I can do what is natural for my body. Let's get this done." But I don't. I also don't think that my husband has the strength to sit by and help and coach a home birth. He adamantly refuses to be part of that. Which, I reiterate is fine. I have seriously considered going to a birthing center. There is one close to St. Mark's Hospital in Salt Lake City. I don't know their accreditations though and have not gone seeking much info on them. But, knowing how both my sisters were and how I was with Linus, I unfortunately am going to have another epidural. Most times, the epidural slows labor down. I think that maybe because our society is taught to fear the pain and what our bodies are doing in childbirth that we slow ourselves down. I am not afraid to have this baby, I am more afraid of the needles this time than anything. But, I do know there is a small percentage of women who actually respond to the epidural and I think that my sisters and I are part of that percentage. Again, who knows, it may be the huge fear factor that slows us down.

I talked to my doctor yesterday about Mackay-Dee Hospital. That is where I am delivering this time (unless of course there is a complication and LDS is 3 blocks away). I asked him if he had ever delivered with a woman using a birthing bar, what his thoughts were on the birthing ball, the water therapy, etc. He actually seemed non-plussed when I brought it up. He said he has most definitely caught babies from the birthing bar, with a follow up statement of "it's kind of like changing the oil in a car, but it's cool." I smiled pretty good at that. He said he has no qualms to doing any of the things I am hoping to do, but we both agreed that it may or may not happen and he just wanted to make sure that I was understanding things happen. "Oh, believe me... I don't expect to do any of this, I am just hopeful." We both laughed and finished up the appointment. He did give me a story of a girl who brings all of her friends and family to every appointment and gave him her birth plan the first appointment and told him under no circumstances is he to perform a cesarean on her. Bwhahahaha. I think we all know who is going to be getting one now. Poor thing, she is going to be so unhappy with the way things go because you can't really plan this sort of thing and how they will play out.

I really wish I could hire a doula to help Matt and I through this next birth, I think it would make things easier for both of us. Just someone who is my advocate but also knows what I need and can give my husband reassurances and a nudge in directions here and there. I would like to say that I am going to go in, walk around, listen to my body and what positions I need to be in to relieve pain and pressure, be relaxed and into myself, and have this baby naturally, but it may end up being just nothing like that at all.

I would like to recommend anyone having a baby who would like to know about their options, please check this book out. There were some startling statistics about this country's mortality rate that I won't quote. There were some great birthing stories. I do not at all feel bad at how my birth with Linus went other than I wish I hadn't taken the ambien they gave me. I feel like I was completely out of my mind and couldn't voice my opinion and I felt like I was completely out of control. I didn't like that, but otherwise, after 3 IV's and 3 epidural sticks, Linus and I both ended up healthy which is the most important.

I like listen to my friend's birth stories and I know how Miss H likes to do it... "I plan the induction. I am afraid to go into labor naturally so I go in, get the meds and get the epidural. I love it." I also know how Miss S did it...by hypnobirthing. I know my sisters just go in and do what they are told and they are happy with the results. Miss N tried the Bradley method and it probably would have been a fabulous route for her and her husband, but I think she was suffering from IUGR where I was not and here baby was in distress and she had to go c-section. Not her choice, but she seems pretty please with her beautiful bundle of joy. I don't think any of these methods is wrong or right or whatever. I even had a friend who scheduled her c-section. I just figure that I know what I think is most comfortable and best for me and my baby and I know what I'd like to do... I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it'll be a little more to my preference as opposed to my planning.

Time doesn't always heal all wounds

I have just recently had a friend request on my facebook page from an old boyfriend. Old boyfriend being my first real boyfriend I had when I was 16 that lasted until I was 20 or so. So, at the time, it was pretty serious. As serious as a teenager can be I guess. We never talked about getting married or about having kids, so I guess not all THAT serious as some kids. For us being kids though, he unfortunately was my teacher on too many adult aspects of life. No details are going to be posted, so imagine whatever you'd like.

He never liked my friends (although he pretended to during the wooing portion of our relationship) and made that part of my high school life difficult. Apparently, he bragged to my guy friends of his conquests with other girls with the retort to me..."I was just kidding. I wanted to see if they'd tell you." Um....duh! They didn't like him in the least so of course they'd tell me! We eventually split under bad, bad terms due to my sister. Thanks heavens! Although 3 years and some months too late huh?

When he was 10, he was in a car accident that killed his two older sisters. I don't know if this is the cause of his irritating personality flaws he had or if it was just his personality, #1 he could not hold down a job which was a pain. He was out of high school when we met!! That is definitely the age to either be holding your own or going to school. Nope, not for him. #2 he always had a poor me, pathetic lost puppy dog story about something and duped not only me, but my family into letting him live with us for much of our dating period. He did the same thing to his best friend's mom and she finally had the smarts to kick him out. At 21, nothing was ever his fault and it was always just poor unfortunate circumstances, or a big fat "I don't know what happened.. I didn't see that coming" with tears running down his face. Kinda like when I finally dumped him and kicked him out of the house. He couldn't figure out for the life of him why I was so upset about him trying to do physical things with my sister. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

So, back to facebook. I am trying to live my life without anger or animosity or holding grudges, so I figured I would accept his request. The first thing he does is send me a note.."I'm probably the last person you expect to hear from...blahblahblah" um...ya. I think he fits in that list. Along with Jesus and a few other people that aren't going to be getting a hold of me via facebook. Not that I don't expect him to be on FB, but why try to befriend me? Anyway, again, trying not to be bitter, I just kind of ignore it. Unfortunately, I see him posting things that I have the hardest time not sending snide, rude things in retort. Stop. Be the adult. Right? So, I heard a quote on "Bones" that I really liked and posted it and he decides to blurt out that his wife had a one night stand 3 months or so back. Seriously? That's the most random thing to throw out on the internet social website just to put it out there.... then I remembered, he doesn't know where that came from. Poor sad feel sorry for my awful life story. Ah yes, I remember this dance all too well. I couldn't help it. I was only kind of awful and told him two things. Karma and dirty laundry. I don't think he got it. Karma will bite him in the ass and it's kind of satisfying to see it. I didn't think I'd actually get to witness it, but there it is. And the second part, why air your dirty laundry? Not necessary, but thanks. So, I then explained that I feel that all relationships have trials blah blah blah. He says, "I hope nothing like what I am dealing with." I had to nip my whole response in the bud. Otherwise, it was going to end up this post on my facebook page telling him to get off his poor me trip. We all have trials, and he isn't the first one to deal with what he is dealing with. Get over yourself, please. I would much rather deal with that than a disabled child, or the death of my child. Or even the death of my spouse. I would much rather deal with that than a lot of other things that can happen in life.

Anyway, I guess I am still carrying around some anger and I think it is mostly because 10 years ago this guy sobbed at me trying to get me to take him back, the whole time never admitting his wrongdoing. Never saying he was sorry. My first everything who I thought I was in love with. It was always "It was just a joke" "I didn't mean it" "I wasn't serious". Really? I just want an apology for the bullshit I dealt with for 4 years and maybe I can move on. Maybe I can work at moving on just by having him as my friend on facebook and working on not being the angry bitter lady who writes spiteful things in response to every lame status update.

Deep Breath. I think some meditation will do me good in this effort and I think that if I can at least forgive if not forget, but learn from Mr. Army, then I can forgive and not forget and keep my lessons from Mr. Lazy perpetual 12 year old.

I'm really not this angry of a person all the time, folks, just have a harder time compartmentalizing and shrugging things off when I am pregnant. I apparently lose my duck back and things don't roll off as well.

memories....

To end this saga of our long drawn out week of funeral stuff, family get togethers, and eating, the memorial service was today.

I am going to say right now, this was the best one I have ever been to. Way to go family and their friends!

My cousin Mackenzie has been dancing for years and she performed a contemporary dance routine to a beautiful song. She is amazing. I have always loved to watch dance and especially good dancing. I think she conveyed her sadness better here than in any type of media available. I broke down and cried while she danced, it was touched my heart deeply. Thank you for sharing that!

Chris, your... is it eulogy?... it was great. It is very obvious you cared for your dad a lot. I think you conveyed the difficulty talking to him as well as his intelligence. I do remember listening to my dad and James talking and they were both very smart men. I know it was hard to get up and talk about him with the emotions you have, no one likes to cry in public, but you did a great job. And I would like to mention, you look just like Uncle Geoff.

The pastor of First Baptist Church in West Valley gave a great service. He talked about the elephant in the room (and no Uncle Tony, we don't need you to leave. Thanks for the laugh that gave my mom and I). He asked the question, "How do you eat an elephant?" The answer... one bite at a time. It takes one bite at a time to deal with, process, and move forward when someone you know commits suicide.

A man I don't know, but will assume he was some sort of person you go talk to once a week, he spoke. He spoke of getting to know James and some of his demons. He spoke of how he fought his demons the best way he could and sometimes they get the better of you.

I think I hate funerals for the sadness, but also for the "fake" great memories people have of the deceased. Not everyone is a great humanitarian that everyone loves and just because they are gone, I hate that everyone talks up how great that person was. I really appreciated the "realness" of what everyone said. James had physical limitations and was starting to have mental limitations. It had to be hard for him to know his mind and body were failing him. He was as bully. He was difficult and liked to dominate a conversation. I remember him as being very intimidating and he enjoying that. I never got to know him in his later years, I hadn't seen him in 12 or more years. He may have really cared for others and he may have had a genuine love for others. I don't know. It was nice to hear the good with the bad. It makes the good seem a little more realistic and believable. If everyone ignored his difficulties, I would have just figured that everyone was being nice to the deceased who probably cares less what is being said. I agree that he is in a better place with a whole body and a whole mind and that my Granny is smacking him upside the head, but when he meets his family in heaven, he will be there in perfect form. I really hope that he was as caring to his friends and family in his later years as they say.

Now, it is time to take some of the first bites to get rid of the elephant and start to move forward.