Every once in a while, I will get a gift for a friend or a family member that really speaks to me. Only once, have I been told that the gift was very special and meaningful. I distinctly remember thinking it was weird giving a teddy bear to my early-20's friend, but that I needed to get it for her. If I remember the story correctly, she has received a teddy bear from a family member or members every year. That year she didn't get one, and the one I sent was the one she got that year and it meant a lot to her. Other than that, I am not sure if my particular "ah-haaa" moments were shared in the receiving of gifts.
This year at Christmas, my family and I happened to receive some gifts that I feel were inspired gifts.
Matt and I both received a dutch oven set and a bread maker. We have both become lovers of cooking now that we have a kitchen that has room to move around in. We have both enjoyed the dutch ovens and have used the bread maker almost every day.
My mom was inspired this year to go old school and she managed to find my siblings and I books that we loved as kids.
This, my friends, was my favorite book as a kid. I loved reading it and I loved reading it to Tyne and scaring her. She in turn read it to Bethany and scared her with it. I CAN NOT believe my mom not only remembered this book, but that she found more than one copy. I ended up finding the original copy we had as kids in our storage bays we cleaned out after our fire.
I know that this is a favorite of children every where. Linus is no exception. He loves to have Grandpa Kirk read it to him and he is getting to where he'll point to EVERY little thing and ask "this?". He is starting to learn the words for things and wants to know the names of every thing now.
This may be Linus's favorite book to hear and my favorite book to read. Our favorite line is "And sometimes the mother said, 'This kid is driving me CRAZY!' " He and I giggle and giggle at that and so I say it after 2 years old, 9 years old, and teenager. And sometimes I cry when I read it to him. I found out by reading author, Robert Munsch's website on this book, that he didn't write this as a children's book at all. He and his wife lost two babies, and the song "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living, My baby you'll be" ran around and around in his head. One day he told the story aloud and sang the song that ran in his head. It got written and next thing he knew, a community for the elderly where children were not allowed had bought copies and everyone had one. Soon, it was a hit. You can read that story and listen to his telling of the story here.
Linus received a cool retro toy that he is just now figuring out how the pieces go in.
My brother made a plate that is a decorative wall hanging. I will at one point edit this and put a picture of it. Right now, I haven't taken a picture of it, nor do I have the gumption to do so. But, it is awesome and it fits with the color scheme of our house.
Matthew gave me "LittleBigPlanet" which is an AWESOME game for the PS3.
I had been playing the demo and just couldn't stand that I couldn't go further, so I kept playing the demo. I could play that game all day, everyday. Luckily for me, I have kids to take care of so I don't grow mold from sitting in the same place for so long.
There were a few other things that really just seemed perfect as gifts this last Christmas. I don't have pictures of them all, but, it really was awesome this last Christmas.
There come a point in your life that you realize that because life is so hectic, chaotic, stressful, mundane at times, and just plain "Oh my, what is going on here?!?!?" that you start to laugh at things you wouldn't normally laugh at. I will warn now, that what is coming up really is gross, sick, and wrong. Prepare or stop reading now.
Things that make me giggle now, for instance, would be finding every little thing in all of the cupboards in my kitchen at waist high ON the kitchen floor. In my past life, I would have freaked out. Now, I just laugh and wonder how Linus got most of it out.
I realize that the humor that boys get at around 7 and never really grow out of has found a way to make me giggle. Poop for instance. Or boogers, booger bubbles make me giggle, where in the past, they made me gag. Linus has started wiping his nose on my shoulder and it's funny to me. Taking a shower and having Linus in with me and looking down to find little poop balls is funny to me. Granted, I do get the big eye roll in there, but I still giggle. Farts are funny to me these days. That Bea can toot for 5 minutes straight in little gun shots is hilarious. I realize her gut is fat, but is it all really just gas? I think it's hilarious that Linus doesn't say mom but says toot perfectly every time he hears one. So, yes, my sense of humor has become that of a young boy who thinks making fart noises with my armpits is hilarious. How else am I supposed to keep my kids entertained?
So, now to the gross and disgusting portion.
The inevitable, ugly truth to owning dogs is dog poo. Little dogs have little tootsie roll poops like Pali. Big dogs have elephant sized poops. Quite frankly, I am not sure really what Blue and Moxie are eating. They are pooping out more in weight than they are taking in. How do I know that? Because our doggie septic tank has filled up and is no longer processing and I am now putting it in bags and taking it to the garbage.
I found out where all of Linus's socks have gotten to and can safely say they will never be worn again. Dog intestines will dye a favorite turquoise shirt to a really cool green color that can't ever be worn again. Dogs can actually eat an adult sock but will choose the time to pass it when all of your friends are over and hanging out back and will proudly squat right in front of everyone and take 20 minutes to expel a 2 foot long dress sock. AND NO ONE CAN LOOK AWAY!!! Do I really have to explain why I giggle? It's either that or die of embarrassment, shock, and disgust. Every day.
So, on to the reason that I write this post. Matt took a Saturday and cleaned up a month's worth of doggie droppings and we decided that to really keep up and make the yard nice and habitable for the kids is to pick up every day or every other day. So, I am out back and we have a bush that has these bright orange berries on them. For some reason, the dogs eat them and swallow them whole. Yes, there is a reason to the orange berries being part of this story. So I am cleaning up the massive, giant, awestriking piles and come upon one that, brace yourself, looks like a perfect coil, like someone squeezed this out as a statue of a pile of poop. And right on top of it is a little orange berry like the cherry on top. Now, I just couldn't stop giggling and the perfect shape and placement of the berry. I did save everyone from taking a picture, but still, it was funny. Especially after the week I'd been having.
And, the topping on the cake for my juvenile humor... Linus, Little B, and I were visiting Nana at the library in Brigham. He was eating his hot dog from Dixie Grill and I had finished my amazing burger and was on the floor changing Bea's diaper. I look up to find a masticated hot dog and bun, covered in root beer, being played with on the table and dripping on the floor. Ew. Then, when I got up to clean it up, I was trying to teach Linus that we were in public and that's not what you do in public. You don't play with your food and make messes. He made his poop face then shivered. HAHAHAHA. My son gets the poop shivers. I had a friend once ask me if I got the pee shivers but never did I think anyone got BM shivers. AND if you have ever seen a little kid get the chills... it is a funny sight. I started to laugh so he kept doing it just to get a laugh out of me.
I love that kid. He kills me. We are going to have a better and better time as he gets bigger.
How can you not think that's funny? Come be me for a week and you'll be laughing too. I promise.
I was going to write about this earlier, and then decided not to. Upon the facebook turmoil I caused the other day, I decided to go ahead and write.
There are three things you are taught to never discuss...
Money
Politics
Religion
I am going to add a fourth to that list.
Parenting.
I have found, becoming a mother, that it becomes your identity. I am not just Amanda anymore. I am not just the girlfriend, or just the wife, or just a friend anymore. I can't just slip away for an evening, or weekend and pretend that isn't my role. I am now, and always will be, the MOM. I am always wondering if I am doing the right thing, if they are happy, if they are healthy, if they have what they need, if they know they are loved. It will always be in the back of my mind no matter what I am doing.
That said, everyone has a parenting style. Most of what you know, you learned from your parents and family and your friend's families. You learn things that you think you should do and thing you think maybe not so much. I have noticed that those who have gone to college learned some from the "Child Growth and Development" class. I see a lot of that in my youngest sister. And, since it is now your identity, if anyone criticizes how you parent, not only is that a slight on what your parents taught you, but it is a slight against you as a person.
Parenting to me, is very much like religion. There are many things that work for many people, but all doesn't work for all and you can't prove that what you are doing is the best or only way. People are VERY protective of their parenting and very convicted in what they are doing as right or what others are doing as wrong. I personally, don't mind. Because I know that if everyone did things the same, then we'd all have more of the same qualities. I know that there are some things that families do that I wish I could do, but it isn't feasible for me or my family. There are some things that I think are good ideas, but I just don't think it is a good idea for me or my family. But, I certainly enjoy hearing ideas, advice, opinions, etc. because I am always open to knew new (think I'm a little tired.) ideas to make my and my families lives easier.
Any of you who know my childhood background, know that I don't come from a clean or structured household. I didn't learn some of the "standards" of household maintenance and upkeep. I learned some "un-standard" ways of parenting and like them just fine. I am pretty laid back, I don't fret over every little thing, I try to let the kids learn by doing, I am not worried about germs or dirt. I think I ended up just fine and that my siblings did as well. My husband on the other hand, comes from a more clean, structured environment. He has a harder time with my parenting style and on occasion remarks about it. I will admit... I feel attacked by his comments. I feel he is attacking me by attacking my parenting style. I know he doesn't mean for it to be an attack, but it's hard not to become defensive and very much the "momma bear." My kids are healthy, I am pretty sure happy, and very much still alive. I haven't starved them, they aren't dirty (usually but he's a toddler for Pete's sake. And who is Pete? I have no idea. But for his sake, he is a toddler and gets dirty), their diapers are changed, they get a lot of attention and cuddles and loves, and luckily, because there isn't really any way of controlling some sicknesses, diseases, or viruses, they aren't sick. But to hear a phrase of "it makes me nervous when he's doing something that makes you nervous," makes me think that I am not doing my job. Again, I know he doesn't mean it that way, but still. It does however, let me know and understand the replies and reactions to my "cry it out" post on facebook.
Linus was a dream. Once we figures out why he was throwing up 1000 times a day and would just cry when we laid him down and how to stop it, he slept well, he was consistent, and it was easy. I got a book from my DMIL (thanks Miss L, I love that term... Dear Mother In Law. She is not much in the way of a mother-in-law, no, she is much better. But it's hard to give her the same title of "mom" when I have my mom. How would anyone know who I was talking about if I called them both Mom?) sorry I got sidetracked... the book is called "Healthy Sleep Habits. Happy Child". My DSIL, Jessica, used it with her kids and she said it worked and recommended it. So, I was given the book and used it on him and he did amazing. I knew that every night, I'd bathe him, lotion him up, put his jammies on, swaddle him, pop a beenkie in, lay him on his boppie cause he had reflux so bad, and he'd sleep through the night with one waking at around 4 months of age and then no night wakings between 6-9 months. He was textbook perfect. I let him cry it out two nights around 6 months to get him to learn to sleep on his own. It was 15 minutes the first night, 5 or 10 the second night and then nothing. He'd lay down, roll over, and would rock himself to sleep. Even now, sometimes he'll walk himself to his room to go to sleep. His sleepy cues have become minute (rhymes with suit not sit), so it's been a little more difficult to not let him become overtired and a total spazz. I guess toddlers are hard because they need one and a half naps a day. When he becomes a spazz, I know we are going to fight about bedtime and he'll scream. But once he's asleep, he's usually down for the night. We know he wakes and that is normal and we don't go in. Unless we can tell by his cry that there is something wrong. Otherwise, he has his blankies and rocks himself (yes the rocking is very cute now but will be a little disturbing once he hits puberty.)
Bea on the other hand... let's just say she is a happy, delightful, bundle of joy and I love her very much. I think she's a doll. Unless it's about sleep. She is awful. She is such a visual baby that she wants to see everything. She hates to lay down. She wants to be upright looking at everything. She won't sleep if there is too much noise. She is such a girl it scares me already. The only thing that is consistent about her are her bowel movements. Sometimes she likes to be swaddled. Sometimes she likes a blanket. Sometimes she likes to be in a sleeping sack. Sometimes she likes to lie next to a rolled up blanket or pillow. It is such a pain. I've tried swings... she'll fall asleep but won't sleep for very long. If I stop the swing she wakes up. I've tried the white noise, but it has to be on continuously. If it's the Sleep Sheep that Linus got for Christmas one year, it's fine, but as soon as it turns off, she's awake. She is difficult to determine the level of jammies or blankets to use. She starts off cold, then gets too hot. If I keep her in something light, she never stays asleep long enough to warm up. She loves this particular blanket that one of my Great-Grandmas on my mom's side made. It is big though. She likes it when I roll it up and wrap it around her like a giant horseshoe. One end at her feet, along her side, up over her head, and along the other side to her feet. She loves to rub her hands over it, her head on it, and bury her face in the side. It is light and I don't worry about her suffocating. Especially because she will pull on it and it eventually goes over her face, she freaks out, and then we are up forever... but it's the only thing that is consistent to get her to sleep. I have tried the little vibrating papasan chair, I've tried the car seat, I've tried co-sleeping. They all work sometimes and nothing works all of the time. So, I started the other day to let her cry it out. So, she cries. Then she works the blankets over her face and I can hear the panic so I go to her. We get her situated. She nuzzles, starts to sleep, wakes up a little, cries and the whole process starts. I've tried not using the blanket she loves to nuzzle and she just screams. It isn't cute little baby screams either, it's the scream that sounds like her vocal chords are being shredded and will soon cause vomiting.
She's stubborn. So am I. This is trouble and we haven't even really started. Matt called it "The unmovable object meets the impenetrable force."
When she does sleep good, she'll sleep all night, get up once, then she'll be up at 7AM SHARP. Well, she's up at 7am sharp every morning and the regularity of that is unnerving. I feed her, change her and then let her lay in be with me until Linus gets up. She falls asleep by then and then sleeps for 4 freaking hours. Matt has suggested that she sleep in bed with me tonight and if she sleeps well for a couple nights here, we may look into what we can do about getting a memory foam baby mattress.
They make those right?... I hope so, I do not want to be that couple that has a kid sleeping with them till they are 3. 4. 5. 10. Just because it's easier. Me? I don't sleep well when my baby sleeps in bed with me. And call me selfish, but I turn into el primo hag with a side of major don't-look-at-me-I'm-gonna-kill-you. My husband is that way when he hasn't eaten. He can go for days without sleeping and be pleasant and functional. Me? I can go for days without eating and be just fine, but I get only 8 hours of sleep, I am a little cranky. I go with only 3 to 5 hours like I have been, and I can barely get myself to the bathroom to pee. We don't get dressed, we stay in our jammies, I change the diapers only because I am empathetic and think they'd be AWFUL (not really, it's because I love them and don't want them to have owie diaper rashes, but you get the picture). Those are the days that Linus still gets his bottle in the morning. He and I sit and cuddle on the couch while he watches qubo and I get my small catnaps in. Once he's done watching tv, then we try to get going for the day, but sometimes I loose my cool, I cry, and I never once feel guilty that we've only just started getting going at noon. He loves the cuddling these days as do I. Bea is sleeping, so she doesn't care.
So, do I feel bad for making Little B cry it out? Of course I do. It makes me cry as she is crying. But at the same time, I know it isn't healthy for her to not be sleeping as little as she does. I know that I am doing what I feel is best for her and myself. I need her to be able to sleep all night. If I was like Matt and could survive on little to no sleep... I'd go to her all night and hold her as long as I could. I know that she hasn't had as much sleep as she should since I haven't been able to get the timing down like I did with Linus. She didn't nap after being up for an hour up to 3 months like the book suggests. No, she'd take one, maybe two naps a day. That isn't enough. She is showing the signs the book warns about with being sleep deprived. She is a hard baby and I am having a hard time keeping her sleeping as much as she should. She has this incessant whining that can go on for hours. It is grating on the nerves, but she was literally born doing that, so I put music on to tune it out. We are getting better, she and I. She sleeps in my bed during the day and sleeps longer and more often, so she sleeps longer at night, so she is a happier, better, easier baby. Unfortunately, we do have our setbacks because, like I said, nothing with her is consistent. Once I think I've got her dialed, she changes what she wants.
So, say I'm wrong, say I'm a bad parent and I'll probably go "momma bear" on you. Give me advice, share what you do with your kids, what your parents did with you, what you have heard works... I will listen, try what I can, and gracefully thank you for whatever you can tell me.
I do want to add one thing I told a friend of mine. I greatly respect your choices. I have met women who I thought were awful, horrible moms, and should never raise children. Ever. But I have the honor of knowing many, many friends and family members who are amazing. Some have easy kids, some have little demons (Miss K, your child by far is the scariest. She is scary smart and is lucky to have you for her mom because otherwise, she may be like Brain from Pinky and the Brain and try to take over the world. And succeed), and all of them have made some pretty great choices. I am awed and thankful to know so many moms who are so convicted in their choices in parenting their kids. You each have done very well by your kids so far as I have seen. I quite frankly had no idea that parenting would put you into "guilt hell" where you feel guilty for the choices you make because you never know at the time or if ever that they are the right ones. I personally don't feel ready to take on preschool, grade school, puberty, junior high, high school, DATING... the list goes on.
It gives me very different view on my parents. The people who have guided me, who knew all of the answers, provided me: food, shelter, clothing, who were always the smartest people I knew, were the strongest people I knew, they are the superheros. I can't fill those shoes. I still feel like I'm just a kid and still call my mommy cause I need her sometimes. Or I call my dad cause I have a problem and he can always fix it. I am terrified that I am going to mess up these little kids. They are going to be like my husband and me through high school. Little shits who I love and would still do anything for even though they are making choices that I can't comprehend or do anything about and have to fix when they realize they've made a mistake.
But don't tell me I'm doing it wrong dangit!
Huh, Bea just rolled over for the first time. Ugh, they grow up so fast. :)
I have hit my wall. I have hit my limit. I don't know what to do about it. I have not had a decent night's sleep in so long. I am getting crankier and my temper is getting shorter. If it isn't Bea staying up all night, it is my back and neck having such strong and painful spasms that I lay in bed and my head won't stay still and my back contorts and pulls other muscles because it's not supposed to bend that way. I have been in physical therapy for a little bit and it seems to be getting worse before it gets better.
I am now wading through neck high thick sludge that is guilt. I feel I am not a good wife, I am not a good mom, I am not a good dog mom. I don't have enough of me to go around. I am just done. I am sitting here crying because I am emotionally drained. I sit here on my bed looking around my bedroom at the piles of clothes. I need to do laundry and I need to put clothes away and can't get enough motivation to do that. When I start, I end up with a little boy trying to help me and it just triples any work I try to do. So, I try to get it done when he is asleep but now have a pile of his clothes sitting here that I never end up taking down to his room to put away. I need to vacuum. My little dog won't go to the bathroom in the correct spot and she won't tell me when she has to go out because Blue tries to eat her. So in my baby's room there is dog poop and pee everywhere that I can't get clean. I can't afford just to get new carpet in there. My floor is a disaster because of the mud in the backyard and the dogs coming in and out. I don't have the time to take care of my dogs as they need. I have taken them for a walk once since October. I can't seem to even get the time to take 5 minutes here and there to work with Blue on puppy class stuff. It is all I can do to take the time to cuddle with them. Bea hasn't stopped crying all day and I don't know why. She will stop as soon as I pick her up. So I pick her up to stop her and then all I hear is silence and think "what is Linus getting into now?" So I find him in the midst of my makeup. Eyeshadow destroyed all around him, his finger stuck in my favorite lipstick up to his last knuckle. They don't make that lipstick anymore and it's now all over Linus. Does that even come out of clothes? I find myself losing my temper and instead of screaming at him I throw something out of frustration. He cries. Guilt. Bea is screaming again. I put her down and have to walk away because I am just so tired. I am tired of picking her up to turn around and having Linus in something. Sticking his finger in something, pulling something apart, leaving a bigger mess that I just can't bring myself to even clean because there will just be another one in 5 seconds. Bea won't stop crying. I try to shut myself in her room for just a second to compose myself and Linus pushes the door and comes in. I just need a second to compose myself. A second to breathe. I can't get a second. I shut the closet door and he starts screaming and banging on the door. A scream erupts out of me because I just need a second. It makes him cry harder. Guilt. I am sitting here on my bed and need to change the sheets and wash all of the blankets. Linus has figured out how to move the little trash can around and use it as a step stool and has poured my glass of water on my bed. There is so much that needs to be done around here and I don't feel like I even touch the surface of it. I need to go to the grocery store but at the mercy of the kids. I feel myself becoming apathetic due to my loss of any control I have. I can't even shower some days and it's so awful that when I do and Matt tells me how good I smell. Ya, it's cause I showered for the first time in 3 days. I hate feeling so gross. I hate feeling so frumpy. I don't fit in my pants. I look like a fat teenager who doesn't realize that the muffin top isn't cute. I bend over and my butt falls out because my pants don't fit right. My thighs are too big, my waist isn't as big, my pants just don't fit. My pregnancy pants don't fit right and the elastic doesn't hold up the pants. I look in my closet and don't like anything I have in there because it either doesn't fit, it's in poor condition, or it fits but it doesn't fit correctly so I am immodest and show underwear, butt crack, or too much cleavage. So, I end up wearing pajama pants and a tshirt. That's not attractive. Guilt. I hate when I start to drown in my guilt and my feeling of inadequacy. I don't feel like this always. But I feel like that right now. I just ate a pan of brownies. That will make my pants fit better. More guilt. My bathroom floor hasn't been clean in I don't know how long. My shower is disgusting. I need to go buy carpet shampoo but I have to wait for Bea to wake up. It was all I could do to get her to lay down. My son hugs me when I break down. Guilt. He shouldn't have to deal with that. The clutter is pushing me over the edge of my personal comfort zone, my sanity. I am a stay at home and can't keep my house clean. I can't keep my kids clean. I can't keep my dogs clean. I can't keep myself clean. When was the last time I brushed my teeth? I don't know.
So much for putting on makeup today. It's now running down my face and onto my clothes. I haven't even looked to see what's left and not ruined from little fingers. I hope Linus doesn't get sick, I was changing Bea's diaper and caught him chewing on the toiletbowl brush. Really? I would like to say it will get better, but then they turn into teenagers. Thank heavens it's a 3 day weekend and that Matt is pretty patient with this handfull of crazy he married.
Linus is up. I can't hear him jumping in bed. It's the newest thing he's learned. I should add before I go down and get him out of bed. I don't yell at him very often. I usually silently scream, take a deep breath, try as I pleasantly can to talk to him. Maybe that's the cause of my pain in my back lately... keeping in the tension. I hate the first period after having a baby. Hormones are hard to deal with sometimes.
In response to my "Houston, we have a problem" post. Bird is the word.
No. Not the stork.
The bird of freedom... so to speak... for a little longer until we actually decide to do this baby again if we actually DO decide.
So... deep sigh of relief, Matt is just a little disappointed (are you kidding? you might ask... no I'm not.) and I an spend more time enjoying my babies instead of throwing up.
I wrote this in High School at some point. I am not sure when, there is no date, but it made me giggle. I do remember writing this in my bedroom one day.
Quit screaming, please! Why won't this woman quit screaming in my ear? It is starting to give me a slight headache. The extreme volume of her voice is making the inside of my head vibrate. I have begged and pleaded for her to stop. I am shouting at her now. Please don't scream anymore. You're hurting me. Everything is going black. I feel as though the walls are caving in. Everything is this scream! No, wait, the scream is changing. It is sounding a lot like...well actually...yes that's it. A bell. I breathe a sigh of relief as I knock my alarm clock off of my nightstand and it crashes onto my soft, blue carpet.
-Amanda Rose Bailey
That, my friends, is how I feel everytime I have to wake up to an alarm clock. Still. I set my alarm clock or phone to a song or light jingle and wake up so much better and peaceful than the awful beeping. That is why Matt has put away his screaming meanie and I nudge him every day to get up. Or, his alarm will wake me up from across the house and I will usually get up and make sure he gets up for the day.
