Then I realize that there is effort involved. That it is hard. And I quit. And then I feel like a failure. And then I feel bad about myself because I've quit and couldn't finish. And then I hesitate to try anything new because I'll probably just quit cause it's hard.
That is the mindset of my pre- Matthew Bailey's wife. If I have learned nothing else from my crazy, smart, awesome husband is that everyone achieves mediocrity. It's easy.
Not many people do things that are hard. Cause it's...well...hard.
My husband has managed to do many things BECAUSE they are hard.
He lost his job. He decided to go back to college. He moved home, which is hard. After you've been on your own, to move back home is like saying "I've failed. I am not the adult I was trying to be." He sold all of his stuff and quit doing anything so he could focus on school and graduate. He chose a degree that is hard. It is hard and therefore, not many people choose it, and therefore, there is more money to be made in the field. He decided to go into Computer Science and graduated with a bachelor's degree. While going to school, he was poor and had no money. He couldn't continue with a habit that is very hard to quit. He quit smoking. Any of you out there ever try to do that? Apparently, IT IS HARD! He gained a lot of weight because he chose to eat instead of smoke. Then, he decided not to use food as an emotional crutch and worked hard to lose it. He has changed his lifestyle many times. BECAUSE it's hard.
He is an amazing inspiration, teacher, and guide. He makes me try hard to be a better person. At least to me, I'm a better person.
Since being married, I have finished one whole semester of college. That, my friends, is a big deal! It is exciting and makes me see that if I keep finishing one whole semester, it eventually becomes a degree. Or two. Or three. Just kidding about the two or three. Kind of.
I have continued to be married. It's hard. Harder than I ever thought it would be. Especially because we have been friends for so long that the expectations that come with marriage make things difficult. But because we have been friends for so long, it's also easier, too. It's easy to quit when you are mad and things aren't working and the love you have for your spouse starts to hover on that fine line of hate. Hate and love are very strong emotions and I think they on occasion blur lines.
I have continued to be a mom. THAT IS HARD!!! Of course I am not going to quit doing that. The only way you can quit being a mom are options that are so ridiculous I can't even mention them. Being able to get my kids up every day, remember to give Linus his medications, feed them, clothe them. change diapers, play with them, keep them alive AND happy is a success every day. There are so many bad parents out there because it is hard to interact and take time for them. Let go of your selfishness and be selfless.
I am able to maintain a decent BMI. My Body Mass Index remains between 25 and 21. Even after two babies. And it's hard. It's hard not to just drink my weight in coke every day. It's hard not to make a batch of brownies every day and eat the whole pan. It'd be easier to get some cheetos and cheese bread and live off that. Instead, I drink coffee in the morning with Splenda. I have cut myself to 1 coke a day. I eat fruit instead of candy. I drink water instead of soda. When I get a jonesing for carbonation, I will drink a Perrier. I go up and down my stairs mroe often than necessary. I try to do that while carrying Linus. I try to wear my baby as much as possible so that I am carrying more weight. I walk my dogs in my neighborhood. In fact, we run. I walk a block and then think, "we can go one more." I continue to do that until we have walked the neighborhood for an hour. My hilly, ridiculous neighborhood is tough to walk. AND IT'S HARD! It is so hard to get the gumption to wash my face and brush my teeth at night let alone do pushups, ab excercises, and yoga. I have just decided it is harder to have to buy bigger pants. It's harder to look at myself in the dressing room mirror while changing and finding disgust at what I'm seeing. I am happy when I feel good about myself and so I push myself to work at it. But if it was easy, there wouldn't be reality shows about weightloss. There wouldn't be an obesity epidemic in our country.
It is easier to stay in bed with the kids and lounge around the house. To never do my hair, to never get dressed, to never shower. I hate myself like this. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I hate when my husband comes home and I don't want him to even look at me because I feel gross. I hate looking around my house and realizing there is so much I could have done that day, but it was hard to get motivated to do it. So, every day. I shower. I do my hair and my makeup. I get the kids dressed. I brush our teeth. I am teaching my kids to be active, successful adults if this becomes my habit, it will also become theirs. I feel better during the day. I can go out to run errands if I need to and not be embarrassed. I can see a friend who is in need or is in want of company. I am ready, so I am not lazing around. I actually get stuff done around my house. My house is getting clean. My house is getting uncluttered. More importantly, I love myself.
Matt has taught me, and I am so very guilty of this myself, that people complain about situations, but don't do anything to fix it. There have been so many times during the course of our short marriage that I'll complain about something and he'll get so fed up with me complaining, he'll fix it. Duh. It isn't that hard to pick stuff up out of the way so that Linus doesn't get into it. Or just shut the door to Linus's room so the dogs don't get to the stuffed animals. Or just do one load of laundry every day to keep the mess down and it makes putting it away so much easier. Or to just pick up dog poop every day so that the they don't step in it and track it all over. But that would take effort. Now that I am trying to be more proactive in fixing things that bug me, I can't even believe how little effort it takes, but how hard it is to take that first step!
So, I am done complaining about not having any money. I am done listening to Matt complain about our finances. I am done feeling helpless while I listen to him. I have decided to do something that is scary to me. It is going to be hard. And I am excited. I have decided to sell makeup. I have gone pink. I am now an independent beauty consultant. Every time I sell even one item, I feel successful. I don't look at what I have that I need to sell. I don't think that I need to earn that car. I am taking it by babysteps right now so I don't feel overwhelmed and then quit. Quitting isn't an option.
I figure if selling makeup was easy, everyone would be doing it. Everyone would have a pink Cadillac.
I am going to earn a car.