Sunday, May 31, 2009

Plus 1 makes 4

So, in case you haven't heard, we are (I will say 90% sure) having a girl. WooHOO! I think...

This whole having babies business is something else. I am actually mostly enjoying it this go-round. Mostly, I think I am savoring because despite what Matt thinks, this might be our last. I am not sure I can deal with 3, even though everyone says, after two, three is nothing... well, I am not sure I can even deal with two, but too late huh?

I go to an OB/GYN who has ultrasound machines in all of the rooms, and so instead of feeling and measuring the fundus of my uterus, he measures every time with the ultrasound. Which I love. I love getting to see the baby when I couldn't feel her or when I didn't feel pregnant. It makes it much more real and easier to "connect" to her. Usually, we get pictures, but as I just got done telling Dr. Housel, "she sure is a wiggle worm" he let me know that she sure was cause she wouldn't sit still for a picture. She did move around enough that we got a peek to see we're having a hamburger instead of a hotdog . (sorry, but that's what it looks like on the ultrasound haha) In 3 weeks, I'll be having the targeted ultrasound to make sure that since everything has a place, it is actually in said place. So far though, nothing looks out of ordinary and I am pretty sure that this might be the start of an ADHD scary situation. I am mostly kidding when I say that.

So, I thought Matt and I had figured out the naming situation until I found out today that the name we had picked out had "lost it's luster" to him... so, I guess we are going to go back to arguing girl names. He likes Lucy and I am just so uninterested in having a daughter named Lucy. About as much as I enjoyed some of his previous suggestions: Cherry, Bambi, Kitty, to name a few. So..... the tedious process begins. I would like to just stick to our original plan, but unfortunately someone, (TJ) made a joke about the name and I think ruined it for Matt.

I'll share. I really like the name Frankie for a girl. I figure that it's kind of a nickname type name so I wanted to name her Franklynne Rose. All 3 are family names and Matt's mom had an Aunt Frankie. I love it. Well, eating lunch with TJ, he asks me what we are going to name our daughter and I tell him. "oh you should name her Franklynne Elenore." Preceded to giggle and I had to tell him I didn't get it. "Like Franklin Deleno." Ahhh. So I said, I was thinking more along the lines of Franklynne Rose. So he gets to giggling more and says, "How about Franklynne Elenore Rose Velvet?" Well, of course that's funny, and I did get a kick out of that, and laughed even harder when after talking to Bethany that same day, I told her the funny name story and she said "that's weird, Mikayla just got done saying we should name her velvet." Huh. That's creepy a little. I just told TJ that I loved it. He was a great president and part of our nations history and what better way to honor him than by spoofing his name.

My second choice of names is Cambria Tyne. I love the name Cambria. She can go by Cam, by Bri, by Cammi, or Tyne, all of which I love. Or the first name I have ever loved for a girl, Amelia Rose. Or Dehlia Blue. I want something that isn't so strange people can't wrap their heads around it but that will kind of stick. Linus is just strange enough that it sticks in the brain.

I guess we have 20 weeks and then a month after she's born to figure out what exactly we are going to label her for the rest of her life. I have a feeling she is going to Matt's little Lou regardless of what's on the official paperwork. He asks me every day, "so what are we gonna name her?" Blah, neither of us can agree on anything.

Oh, and for those of you wondering why I'm a teensy bit terrified of having a girl...well, do any of you know of a little girl who isn't dramatic? AND, I know how I was a baby and little girl and how Mikayla is now...Holy Smokes I think we are in trouble. Linus very much has Matt's demeanor. Is it too much to hope Little B does too? Oh, and even after living with Bethany and Mikayla for 4 years, I still can't do a braid or a ponytail. Bethany would constantly ask "who did your hair today?" with a big grin on her face. "Looks like your dad did it." Great. I'm going to have the ragamuffin in the neighborhood. Wait a minute, are there even kids in my neighborhood? I don't even know.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Just some websites that I have found that I like

I wanted to post a quick blog posting about some websites that I like. - This website is pretty cool. There is nothing to look at but what they are selling for the day. They put one thing up for sale every day at 9am and it is usually pretty well priced, like today there are 3 different types of Robeez shoes for sale for 50% off. I like to check it every day to see if there is something I can snag, so far, nothing for me since I didn't know the gender of this upcoming baby, but now, well, watch out credit card. - I don't know how many of you reading this have a new baby or will be having one or know someone who is going to... I can name at least 4. Of those, I don't know how many of you swaddle your babies. Linus loved to be swaddled, then he'd wiggle, work his arms out, and then do a baby jerk and wake himself up. I truly believe he would have slept longer and better had I had this blanket. I am buying one for Little B. I would have bought one for Bethany's baby, William, but he likes to have his arms up by his face, so he doesn't like to be swaddled. I did buy one for Jen and Tina's baby Cooper. They rave about it. I think he was a week old and they told me that he slept 4 hours at a time by a week old. There is a link to the right of my posts that you can go and check it out and watch a cool little video about how it works and you can buy it from there. Really, check it out if you or someone you know has a baby on the way and you are interested in swaddling.

Also, off to the side are links that may or may not be interesting. I have found some interesting link and some not so interesting links, but if something piques your interest, feel free to click away. - So, I was recommended this book by my sister-in-law, Jessica and Matt's mom bought it for me. It's called "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. As Linus was getting bigger, I wasn't sure how many or how long his naps should be, so I started to read this book and I found it to be amazing. It is a great book that you can really tailor for you and your family, not one of those "you have to do it this way to the 'T' or no way!". Linus has been sleeping through the night almost from the get go, apart from his need to feed, and by 3 to 4 months, has been an all night baby. I will say the teething time and runny nose days are a little different, but that's to be expected, I don't think anyone sleeps through the night under those circumstances. It must be a pretty good deal since Bethany's pediatrician is telling her a lot of these ideas that are in this book. This website has a lot of interesting ideas, tips, baby stuff, etc. It is really interesting and fun to go through. - if you can click this link, do it. It is hilarious!! If you know anything about baby boys, you will enjoy this game.

I can't think of anything else right at the moment. But, if I think of anything, I'll throw it out there.

By the way, I just read a book called "The Bromeliad Trilogy" by Terry Pratchett. It is a young person's book, but it was really cute and really fun to read.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

my best birth

This post, I'm embarrassed to say, is going to kind of show my OCD side.

With Linus, I figure that knowledge is power and so I read and researched about birth plans and options and figured that the more I knew, the less scared I was going to be about the impending birth. I was prepared, I was ready, and then... well... having a birth plan for me is ridiculous. Nothing ever goes as planned. Ever. My mom has sticky notes that say "want to make God laugh? make plans." That should be my disclaimer statement. I was induced because of possible IUGR and so everything that I wanted was thrown out the window.

This time around, I again, am reading things. I like to know my options. I came across a book called "Your Best Birth" co-written by Ricki Lake and Abby Epstein. Apparently, Ricki Lake did a documentary not too long ago called "The Business of Being Born" which cause quite a stir and caused a lot of problems between health professionals of all sorts, midwives, doulas, nurses, doctors, etc. I haven't seen the movie, so I can't state any of my opinions about it, but, this book was very interesting.

She is trying to promote knowledge among pregnant women, let them know of their options, and that way women can make a choice that is better for them and their birthing experience. Some women are perfectly fine going in, getting the IV, getting strapped in, tied up, drugged up, layed down, feeting in stirrups, and push. Those who are ok with that, that is fantastic! Especially since that is what you are mostly likely going to get when you go to the hospital.

I personally have no interest in home birth. It is so fascinating that some do that and I am in awe of those that can. I wish I felt that I had the inner strength to say, "I can do what is natural for my body. Let's get this done." But I don't. I also don't think that my husband has the strength to sit by and help and coach a home birth. He adamantly refuses to be part of that. Which, I reiterate is fine. I have seriously considered going to a birthing center. There is one close to St. Mark's Hospital in Salt Lake City. I don't know their accreditations though and have not gone seeking much info on them. But, knowing how both my sisters were and how I was with Linus, I unfortunately am going to have another epidural. Most times, the epidural slows labor down. I think that maybe because our society is taught to fear the pain and what our bodies are doing in childbirth that we slow ourselves down. I am not afraid to have this baby, I am more afraid of the needles this time than anything. But, I do know there is a small percentage of women who actually respond to the epidural and I think that my sisters and I are part of that percentage. Again, who knows, it may be the huge fear factor that slows us down.

I talked to my doctor yesterday about Mackay-Dee Hospital. That is where I am delivering this time (unless of course there is a complication and LDS is 3 blocks away). I asked him if he had ever delivered with a woman using a birthing bar, what his thoughts were on the birthing ball, the water therapy, etc. He actually seemed non-plussed when I brought it up. He said he has most definitely caught babies from the birthing bar, with a follow up statement of "it's kind of like changing the oil in a car, but it's cool." I smiled pretty good at that. He said he has no qualms to doing any of the things I am hoping to do, but we both agreed that it may or may not happen and he just wanted to make sure that I was understanding things happen. "Oh, believe me... I don't expect to do any of this, I am just hopeful." We both laughed and finished up the appointment. He did give me a story of a girl who brings all of her friends and family to every appointment and gave him her birth plan the first appointment and told him under no circumstances is he to perform a cesarean on her. Bwhahahaha. I think we all know who is going to be getting one now. Poor thing, she is going to be so unhappy with the way things go because you can't really plan this sort of thing and how they will play out.

I really wish I could hire a doula to help Matt and I through this next birth, I think it would make things easier for both of us. Just someone who is my advocate but also knows what I need and can give my husband reassurances and a nudge in directions here and there. I would like to say that I am going to go in, walk around, listen to my body and what positions I need to be in to relieve pain and pressure, be relaxed and into myself, and have this baby naturally, but it may end up being just nothing like that at all.

I would like to recommend anyone having a baby who would like to know about their options, please check this book out. There were some startling statistics about this country's mortality rate that I won't quote. There were some great birthing stories. I do not at all feel bad at how my birth with Linus went other than I wish I hadn't taken the ambien they gave me. I feel like I was completely out of my mind and couldn't voice my opinion and I felt like I was completely out of control. I didn't like that, but otherwise, after 3 IV's and 3 epidural sticks, Linus and I both ended up healthy which is the most important.

I like listen to my friend's birth stories and I know how Miss H likes to do it... "I plan the induction. I am afraid to go into labor naturally so I go in, get the meds and get the epidural. I love it." I also know how Miss S did hypnobirthing. I know my sisters just go in and do what they are told and they are happy with the results. Miss N tried the Bradley method and it probably would have been a fabulous route for her and her husband, but I think she was suffering from IUGR where I was not and here baby was in distress and she had to go c-section. Not her choice, but she seems pretty please with her beautiful bundle of joy. I don't think any of these methods is wrong or right or whatever. I even had a friend who scheduled her c-section. I just figure that I know what I think is most comfortable and best for me and my baby and I know what I'd like to do... I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it'll be a little more to my preference as opposed to my planning.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Time doesn't always heal all wounds

I have just recently had a friend request on my facebook page from an old boyfriend. Old boyfriend being my first real boyfriend I had when I was 16 that lasted until I was 20 or so. So, at the time, it was pretty serious. As serious as a teenager can be I guess. We never talked about getting married or about having kids, so I guess not all THAT serious as some kids. For us being kids though, he unfortunately was my teacher on too many adult aspects of life. No details are going to be posted, so imagine whatever you'd like.

He never liked my friends (although he pretended to during the wooing portion of our relationship) and made that part of my high school life difficult. Apparently, he bragged to my guy friends of his conquests with other girls with the retort to me..."I was just kidding. I wanted to see if they'd tell you." Um....duh! They didn't like him in the least so of course they'd tell me! We eventually split under bad, bad terms due to my sister. Thanks heavens! Although 3 years and some months too late huh?

When he was 10, he was in a car accident that killed his two older sisters. I don't know if this is the cause of his irritating personality flaws he had or if it was just his personality, #1 he could not hold down a job which was a pain. He was out of high school when we met!! That is definitely the age to either be holding your own or going to school. Nope, not for him. #2 he always had a poor me, pathetic lost puppy dog story about something and duped not only me, but my family into letting him live with us for much of our dating period. He did the same thing to his best friend's mom and she finally had the smarts to kick him out. At 21, nothing was ever his fault and it was always just poor unfortunate circumstances, or a big fat "I don't know what happened.. I didn't see that coming" with tears running down his face. Kinda like when I finally dumped him and kicked him out of the house. He couldn't figure out for the life of him why I was so upset about him trying to do physical things with my sister. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

So, back to facebook. I am trying to live my life without anger or animosity or holding grudges, so I figured I would accept his request. The first thing he does is send me a note.."I'm probably the last person you expect to hear from...blahblahblah" um...ya. I think he fits in that list. Along with Jesus and a few other people that aren't going to be getting a hold of me via facebook. Not that I don't expect him to be on FB, but why try to befriend me? Anyway, again, trying not to be bitter, I just kind of ignore it. Unfortunately, I see him posting things that I have the hardest time not sending snide, rude things in retort. Stop. Be the adult. Right? So, I heard a quote on "Bones" that I really liked and posted it and he decides to blurt out that his wife had a one night stand 3 months or so back. Seriously? That's the most random thing to throw out on the internet social website just to put it out there.... then I remembered, he doesn't know where that came from. Poor sad feel sorry for my awful life story. Ah yes, I remember this dance all too well. I couldn't help it. I was only kind of awful and told him two things. Karma and dirty laundry. I don't think he got it. Karma will bite him in the ass and it's kind of satisfying to see it. I didn't think I'd actually get to witness it, but there it is. And the second part, why air your dirty laundry? Not necessary, but thanks. So, I then explained that I feel that all relationships have trials blah blah blah. He says, "I hope nothing like what I am dealing with." I had to nip my whole response in the bud. Otherwise, it was going to end up this post on my facebook page telling him to get off his poor me trip. We all have trials, and he isn't the first one to deal with what he is dealing with. Get over yourself, please. I would much rather deal with that than a disabled child, or the death of my child. Or even the death of my spouse. I would much rather deal with that than a lot of other things that can happen in life.

Anyway, I guess I am still carrying around some anger and I think it is mostly because 10 years ago this guy sobbed at me trying to get me to take him back, the whole time never admitting his wrongdoing. Never saying he was sorry. My first everything who I thought I was in love with. It was always "It was just a joke" "I didn't mean it" "I wasn't serious". Really? I just want an apology for the bullshit I dealt with for 4 years and maybe I can move on. Maybe I can work at moving on just by having him as my friend on facebook and working on not being the angry bitter lady who writes spiteful things in response to every lame status update.

Deep Breath. I think some meditation will do me good in this effort and I think that if I can at least forgive if not forget, but learn from Mr. Army, then I can forgive and not forget and keep my lessons from Mr. Lazy perpetual 12 year old.

I'm really not this angry of a person all the time, folks, just have a harder time compartmentalizing and shrugging things off when I am pregnant. I apparently lose my duck back and things don't roll off as well.

Monday, May 11, 2009


To end this saga of our long drawn out week of funeral stuff, family get togethers, and eating, the memorial service was today.

I am going to say right now, this was the best one I have ever been to. Way to go family and their friends!

My cousin Mackenzie has been dancing for years and she performed a contemporary dance routine to a beautiful song. She is amazing. I have always loved to watch dance and especially good dancing. I think she conveyed her sadness better here than in any type of media available. I broke down and cried while she danced, it was touched my heart deeply. Thank you for sharing that!

Chris, your... is it eulogy?... it was great. It is very obvious you cared for your dad a lot. I think you conveyed the difficulty talking to him as well as his intelligence. I do remember listening to my dad and James talking and they were both very smart men. I know it was hard to get up and talk about him with the emotions you have, no one likes to cry in public, but you did a great job. And I would like to mention, you look just like Uncle Geoff.

The pastor of First Baptist Church in West Valley gave a great service. He talked about the elephant in the room (and no Uncle Tony, we don't need you to leave. Thanks for the laugh that gave my mom and I). He asked the question, "How do you eat an elephant?" The answer... one bite at a time. It takes one bite at a time to deal with, process, and move forward when someone you know commits suicide.

A man I don't know, but will assume he was some sort of person you go talk to once a week, he spoke. He spoke of getting to know James and some of his demons. He spoke of how he fought his demons the best way he could and sometimes they get the better of you.

I think I hate funerals for the sadness, but also for the "fake" great memories people have of the deceased. Not everyone is a great humanitarian that everyone loves and just because they are gone, I hate that everyone talks up how great that person was. I really appreciated the "realness" of what everyone said. James had physical limitations and was starting to have mental limitations. It had to be hard for him to know his mind and body were failing him. He was as bully. He was difficult and liked to dominate a conversation. I remember him as being very intimidating and he enjoying that. I never got to know him in his later years, I hadn't seen him in 12 or more years. He may have really cared for others and he may have had a genuine love for others. I don't know. It was nice to hear the good with the bad. It makes the good seem a little more realistic and believable. If everyone ignored his difficulties, I would have just figured that everyone was being nice to the deceased who probably cares less what is being said. I agree that he is in a better place with a whole body and a whole mind and that my Granny is smacking him upside the head, but when he meets his family in heaven, he will be there in perfect form. I really hope that he was as caring to his friends and family in his later years as they say.

Now, it is time to take some of the first bites to get rid of the elephant and start to move forward.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Sunshine and Rain

I was going to post my opinion, conviction, feeling, idea, mind, notion, persuasion, position, sentiment, or view. However you want to say it. But, instead, I decided to write a little about the day... mundane? Oh, I don't know if my family can or ever will be considered mundane.

I went to my first LDS funeral a couple of weeks ago. It was kind of what I expected. It was similar to going to sacrament meeting minus the sacrament part and adding a few more emotions in, there were tears, but quite a bit more laughter than I usually have heard in sacrament meeting (although there was one ward I went to and laughter was a regular occurrence, it was fun).

I am not a funeral aficionado, and have been to 2 viewings and 3 funerals. Four funerals counting today. The first funeral I think was pretty non-denominational. I was dating a guy who was friends with two sisters. I, too, became friends with the younger of the two and shared her journey (on the sideline) of her mother's fight with cancer. It went from ovarian, to lung, to finally brain. It was very, very difficult to watch, especially with how young we all were. My friend was only 18 at the time and hadn't even graduated from high school. I remember how hard it was on her to lose her mom and couldn't even put myself in the position to have an inkling of what she was feeling.

The second was for my mom tried to make it more of an Irish wake and make it more of a celebration than anything. There was music at the viewing, a lot of tears, and even more laughter and reminiscing. I guess with all the the amazing things she did and being on this earth for 80+ years, touching as many lives as she did, there were hours and hours of visiting. Although, I was there for the whole thing, I didn't go into the room until maybe the last 15 minutes. I couldn't bear to go in and look at her, it made the whole thing too real. The funeral... I don't think I have ever been so full of sorrow and pain. There was a lot of music, singing, stories, and uplifting messages. There were well over 100 people there and it was so amazing to see and hear how she touched so many lives, mine included. I will put in here that she was probably the most amazing woman I have ever met. Very multifaceted in her hobbies and her personality. The only constant with her were her Diet Cokes with Lemon and later Diet Dr Peppers and her love of God and having given her life to his work. I don't really put out my religious views or show off my spirituality too much these days, but I will say, she is the only person on the planet that has shown me first hand and proven to me that there is a God and I have never nor will I ever doubt that. The religion part is a different story but that is for another time.

Six years later, I come to my third and fourth funeral in a month's time. My friend Whitney's dad died from complications due to diabetes and prostate cancer. He has had diabetes for years, but was just recently diagnosed with cancer. It went fast. I went to Coalville to support her knowing how difficult is was for my other friend to lose a parent, it can't be any easier just because he was older. I know her mom, I love her kids like an aunt(not quite like my own, I'd have kicked both their butts by now if I did...teenagers...blah), and I knew her dad. This is the LDS funeral I was speaking of and like I said, it was nice and I am very glad I was able to go. It was great hearing some of the stories people were sharing about the grumpy, old man.

Today was the funeral for my Uncle James. I don't want to say I enjoyed it, but as far as funerals go... well, this one wasn't bad. I hate that the family got together under the circumstances we did, but I really enjoyed it. I feel that as we grow older and start our own families, we tend to move on and focus on said family. I feel that since starting my family, I want to spend more time with extended family. Sounds strange I'm sure, but, I was pretty good friends or close to each of them at one point in my life or another and I am so sad that I wasn't able to maintain. I am very glad that we are starting to connect a little more (via facebook... it's a love/hate relationship lol). It's nice we have the internet to help us stay in contact when most of us are all over the country. It was so weird to have met my cousin Chris's wife, Jonelle, over facebook and visit with her that way before we finally met face to face for the first time yesterday. I have only met half of my cousin's kids and not in 6 years. I loved meeting these kids and seeing the genetics at work and to meet their cute personalities.

I hope I can get some pictures of today so I can post them, but of course I didn't bring my camera. I hope I can talk my cousins into sharing theirs.

Today was a gorgeous, sunny, not too hot nor too cold kind of day. Linus and I drove to Brigham to the cemetery for the interment of Uncle James ashes. My Granny, Grandpa Frank, and Amelia are all buried next to each other and James was going to be placed next to them. Walking up to the burial site gave me much to think about. Watching all of the kids running around and playing made me smile but being so close to my Granny today, brought back a lot of painful memories.

We all stood around the urn the James ashes were placed into. TJ made this ceramic jar with seashells on it. I don't know how long ago, and it's not quite what I would have put him in, but we like to keep things in the family and it was very nice that he was able to stay in something TJ made. Uncle Mac led the service which consisted more of stories. I always love hearing the stories. Some are sad but most make me laugh. I found out today that my Aunt Amelia died from a chocolate allergy following surgery. I had no idea! I learned today that my Uncle James begged my Granny to make Mac stop..."what's he doing?" "He's breathing. Can't you make him stop?" HAHA! So very sibling-esque. We heard about the engagement of Granny to Frank (I call him Frank because he died 8 months after I was born and I didn't know him. He isn't Grandpa to me. He's just Frank). I learned he was born in the back of a Jeep. Mac made a pretty funny joke about Tom marrying Connie and James marrying Lynne. He talked about Frank marrying both sets at the First Baptist Church in Brigham. I also learned that people are very forgiving of the dead. Mac made mention that Frank was a bully when he was a young adult. From what I understand...he was a bully till the day he died. I guess it's not nice to speak ill of the dead.

After we prayed, James and his urn were placed in the hole and we were free to grieve and pay our last respects. It was very hard for me to see these family members whom I love grieving so much. I am so glad I was able to be there to give my support and be a shoulder. My cousin, Shiloh, took pictures and I hope I am able to get a copy of them, there look like there were quite a few good ones. I think my favorite, although very heart wrenching, was my youngest cousin, Skylar crouched and his brother, Chris, hugging him. I think I did a good job in not crying until I saw Skylar take his shoes off and bow to his sensei. That really got to Shiloh, my mom and I. James practiced martial arts for 20 years.

On a funny note, my niece, Mikayla was running around picking up rolly-pollies and really wanted to share them with my cousin, Mackenzie.She was scared to thinking the bugs would scare the "fancy lady." Bethany asked her what made her so fancy and Mikayla responded with "everything about her!"

Afterwards, we went to the First Baptist Church where Mac had dinner planned for us. How fun for all of us to spend this time together. We used to get together every Thanksgiving and Christmas at my Grandma's house in Mantua. We hadn't done that in over 10 years. Mac planned a pretty traditional Thanksgiving meal with a few family favorites included, green onions in lieu of my dad and sweet tea for all. Mikayla was just in awe that this was her family. "These people are my family?? All of these people are part of my family??" It was very cute. After lunch of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, biscuits, etc...I went home, and the beautiful sunny day had turned to rain, and got ready for the memorial service that was happening the next day.