Saturday, February 20, 2010

Inspired gifting

Every once in a while, I will get a gift for a friend or a family member that really speaks to me. Only once, have I been told that the gift was very special and meaningful. I distinctly remember thinking it was weird giving a teddy bear to my early-20's friend, but that I needed to get it for her. If I remember the story correctly, she has received a teddy bear from a family member or members every year. That year she didn't get one, and the one I sent was the one she got that year and it meant a lot to her. Other than that, I am not sure if my particular "ah-haaa" moments were shared in the receiving of gifts.

This year at Christmas, my family and I happened to receive some gifts that I feel were inspired gifts.

Matt and I both received a dutch oven set and a bread maker. We have both become lovers of cooking now that we have a kitchen that has room to move around in. We have both enjoyed the dutch ovens and have used the bread maker almost every day.

My mom was inspired this year to go old school and she managed to find my siblings and I books that we loved as kids.
This, my friends, was my favorite book as a kid. I loved reading it and I loved reading it to Tyne and scaring her. She in turn read it to Bethany and scared her with it. I CAN NOT believe my mom not only remembered this book, but that she found more than one copy. I ended up finding the original copy we had as kids in our storage bays we cleaned out after our fire.

I know that this is a favorite of children every where. Linus is no exception. He loves to have Grandpa Kirk read it to him and he is getting to where he'll point to EVERY little thing and ask "this?". He is starting to learn the words for things and wants to know the names of every thing now.

This may be Linus's favorite book to hear and my favorite book to read. Our favorite line is "And sometimes the mother said, 'This kid is driving me CRAZY!' " He and I giggle and giggle at that and so I say it after 2 years old, 9 years old, and teenager. And sometimes I cry when I read it to him. I found out by reading author, Robert Munsch's website on this book, that he didn't write this as a children's book at all. He and his wife lost two babies, and the song "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living, My baby you'll be" ran around and around in his head. One day he told the story aloud and sang the song that ran in his head. It got written and next thing he knew, a community for the elderly where children were not allowed had bought copies and everyone had one. Soon, it was a hit. You can read that story and listen to his telling of the story here.

Linus received a cool retro toy that he is just now figuring out how the pieces go in.

My brother made a plate that is a decorative wall hanging. I will at one point edit this and put a picture of it. Right now, I haven't taken a picture of it, nor do I have the gumption to do so. But, it is awesome and it fits with the color scheme of our house.

Matthew gave me "LittleBigPlanet" which is an AWESOME game for the PS3.

I had been playing the demo and just couldn't stand that I couldn't go further, so I kept playing the demo. I could play that game all day, everyday. Luckily for me, I have kids to take care of so I don't grow mold from sitting in the same place for so long.

There were a few other things that really just seemed perfect as gifts this last Christmas. I don't have pictures of them all, but, it really was awesome this last Christmas.

Ew, gross, sick and wrong

There come a point in your life that you realize that because life is so hectic, chaotic, stressful, mundane at times, and just plain "Oh my, what is going on here?!?!?" that you start to laugh at things you wouldn't normally laugh at. I will warn now, that what is coming up really is gross, sick, and wrong. Prepare or stop reading now.

Things that make me giggle now, for instance, would be finding every little thing in all of the cupboards in my kitchen at waist high ON the kitchen floor. In my past life, I would have freaked out. Now, I just laugh and wonder how Linus got most of it out.

 I realize that the humor that boys get at around 7 and never really grow out of has found a way to make me giggle. Poop for instance. Or boogers, booger bubbles make me giggle, where in the past, they made me gag. Linus has started wiping his nose on my shoulder and it's funny to me. Taking a shower and having Linus in with me and looking down to find little poop balls is funny to me. Granted, I do get the big eye roll in there, but I still giggle. Farts are funny to me these days. That Bea can toot for 5 minutes straight in little gun shots is hilarious. I realize her gut is fat, but is it all really just gas? I think it's hilarious that Linus doesn't say mom but says toot perfectly every time he hears one. So, yes, my sense of humor has become that of a young boy who thinks making fart noises with my armpits is hilarious. How else am I supposed to keep my kids entertained?

So, now to the gross and disgusting portion.

The inevitable, ugly truth to owning dogs is dog poo. Little dogs have little tootsie roll poops like Pali. Big dogs have elephant sized poops. Quite frankly, I am not sure really what Blue and Moxie are eating. They are pooping out more in weight than they are taking in. How do I know that? Because our doggie septic tank has filled up and is no longer processing and I am now putting it in bags and taking it to the garbage.

I found out where all of Linus's socks have gotten to and can safely say they will never be worn again. Dog intestines will dye a favorite turquoise shirt to a really cool green color that can't ever be worn again. Dogs can actually eat an adult sock but will choose the time to pass it when all of your friends are over and hanging out back and will proudly squat right in front of everyone and take 20 minutes to expel a 2 foot long dress sock. AND NO ONE CAN LOOK AWAY!!!  Do I really have to explain why I giggle? It's either that or die of embarrassment, shock, and disgust. Every day.

So, on to the reason that I write this post. Matt took a Saturday and cleaned up a month's worth of doggie droppings and we decided that to really keep up and make the yard nice and habitable for the kids is to pick up every day or every other day. So, I am out back and we have a bush that has these bright orange berries on them. For some reason, the dogs eat them and swallow them whole. Yes, there is a reason to the orange berries being part of this story. So I am cleaning up the massive, giant, awestriking piles and come upon one that, brace yourself, looks like a perfect coil, like someone squeezed this out as a statue of a pile of poop. And right on top of it is a little orange berry like the cherry on top. Now, I just couldn't stop giggling and the perfect shape and placement of the berry. I did save everyone from taking a picture, but still, it was funny. Especially after the week I'd been having.

And, the topping on the cake for my juvenile humor... Linus, Little B, and I were visiting Nana at the library in Brigham. He was eating his hot dog from Dixie Grill and I had finished my amazing burger and was on the floor changing Bea's diaper. I look up to find a masticated hot dog and bun, covered in root beer, being played with on the table and dripping on the floor. Ew. Then, when I got up to clean it up, I was trying to teach Linus that we were in public and that's not what you do in public. You don't play with your food and make messes. He made his poop face then shivered. HAHAHAHA. My son gets the poop shivers. I had a friend once ask me if I got the pee shivers but never did I think anyone got BM shivers. AND if you have ever seen a little kid get the chills... it is a funny sight. I started to laugh so he kept doing it just to get a laugh out of me.

I love that kid. He kills me. We are going to have a better and better time as he gets bigger.

How can you not think that's funny?  Come be me for a week and you'll be laughing too. I promise.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The 3 Forbiddens

I was going to write about this earlier, and then decided not to. Upon the facebook turmoil I caused the other day, I decided to go ahead and write.

There are three things you are taught to never discuss...

  1. Money
  2. Politics
  3. Religion
I am going to add a fourth to that list. 

I have found, becoming a mother, that it becomes your identity. I am not just Amanda anymore. I am not just the girlfriend, or just the wife, or just a friend anymore. I can't just slip away for an evening, or weekend and pretend that isn't my role. I am now, and always will be, the MOM. I am always wondering if I am doing the right thing, if they are happy, if they are healthy, if they have what they need, if they know they are loved. It will always be in the back of my mind no matter what I am doing. 

That said,  everyone has a parenting style. Most of what you know, you learned from your parents and family and your friend's families. You learn things that you think you should do and thing you think maybe not so much. I have noticed that those who have gone to college learned some from the "Child Growth and Development" class. I see a lot of that in my youngest sister. And, since it is now your identity, if anyone criticizes how you parent, not only is that a slight on what your parents taught you, but it is a slight against you as a person. 

Parenting to me, is very much like religion. There are many things that work for many people, but all doesn't work for all and you can't prove that what you are doing is the best or only way. People are VERY protective of their parenting and very convicted in what they are doing as right or what others are doing as wrong. I personally, don't mind. Because I know that if everyone did things the same, then we'd all have more of the same qualities. I know that there are some things that families do that I wish I could do, but it isn't feasible for me or my family. There are some things that I think are good ideas, but I just don't think it is a good idea for me or my family. But, I certainly enjoy hearing ideas, advice, opinions, etc. because I am always open to knew  new (think I'm a little tired.) ideas to make my and my families lives easier.

Any of you who know my childhood background, know that I don't come from a clean or structured household. I didn't learn some of the "standards" of household maintenance and upkeep. I learned some "un-standard" ways of parenting and like them just fine. I am pretty laid back, I don't fret over every little thing, I try to let the kids learn by doing, I am not worried about germs or dirt. I think I ended up just fine and that my siblings did as well. My husband on the other hand, comes from a more clean, structured environment. He has a harder time with my parenting style and on occasion remarks about it. I will admit... I feel attacked by his comments. I feel he is attacking me by attacking my parenting style. I know he doesn't mean for it to be an attack, but it's hard not to become defensive and very much the "momma bear." My kids are healthy, I am pretty sure happy, and very much still alive. I haven't starved them, they aren't dirty (usually but he's a toddler for Pete's sake. And who is Pete? I have no idea. But for his sake, he is a toddler and gets dirty), their diapers are changed, they get a lot of attention and cuddles and loves, and luckily, because there isn't really any way of controlling some sicknesses, diseases, or viruses, they aren't sick. But to hear a phrase of "it makes me nervous when he's doing something that makes you nervous," makes me think that I am not doing my job. Again, I know he doesn't mean it that way, but still. It does however, let me know and understand the replies and reactions to my "cry it out" post on facebook.

Linus was a dream. Once we figures out why he was throwing up 1000 times a day and would just cry when we laid him down and how to stop it, he slept well, he was consistent, and it was easy. I got a book from my DMIL (thanks Miss L, I love that term... Dear Mother In Law. She is not much in the way of a mother-in-law, no, she is much better. But it's hard to give her the same title of "mom" when I have my mom. How would anyone know who I was talking about if I called them both Mom?) sorry I got sidetracked... the book is called "Healthy Sleep Habits. Happy Child". My DSIL, Jessica, used it with her kids and she said it worked and recommended it. So, I was given the book and used it on him and he did amazing. I knew that every night, I'd bathe him, lotion him up, put his jammies on, swaddle him, pop a beenkie in, lay him on his boppie cause he had reflux so bad, and he'd sleep through the night with one waking at around 4 months of age and then no night wakings between 6-9 months. He was textbook perfect. I let him cry it out two nights around 6 months to get him to learn to sleep on his own. It was 15 minutes the first night, 5 or 10 the second night and then nothing. He'd lay down, roll over, and would rock himself to sleep. Even now, sometimes he'll walk himself to his room to go to sleep. His sleepy cues have become minute (rhymes with suit not sit), so it's been a little more difficult to not let him become overtired and a total spazz. I guess toddlers are hard because they need one and a half naps a day. When he becomes a spazz, I know we are going to fight about bedtime and he'll scream. But once he's asleep, he's usually down for the night. We know he wakes and that is normal and we don't go in. Unless we can tell by his cry that there is something wrong. Otherwise, he has his blankies and rocks himself (yes the rocking is very cute now but will be a little disturbing once he hits puberty.)

Bea on the other hand... let's just say she is a happy, delightful, bundle of joy and I love her very much. I think she's a doll. Unless it's about sleep. She is awful. She is such a visual baby that she wants to see everything. She hates to lay down. She wants to be upright looking at everything. She won't sleep if there is too much noise. She is such a girl it scares me already. The only thing that is consistent about her are her bowel movements. Sometimes she likes to be swaddled. Sometimes she likes a blanket. Sometimes she likes to be in a sleeping sack. Sometimes she likes to lie next to a rolled up blanket or pillow. It is such a pain. I've tried swings... she'll fall asleep but won't sleep for very long. If I stop the swing she wakes up. I've tried the white noise, but it has to be on continuously. If it's the Sleep Sheep that Linus got for Christmas one year, it's fine, but as soon as it turns off, she's awake. She is difficult to determine the level of jammies or blankets to use. She starts off cold, then gets too hot. If I keep her in something light, she never stays asleep long enough to warm up. She loves this particular blanket that one of my Great-Grandmas on my mom's side made. It is big though. She likes it when I roll it up and wrap it around her like a giant horseshoe. One end at her feet, along her side, up over her head, and along the other side to her feet. She loves to rub her hands over it, her head on it, and bury her face in the side. It is light and I don't worry about her suffocating. Especially because she will pull on it and it eventually goes over her face, she freaks out, and then we are up forever... but it's the only thing that is consistent to get her to sleep. I have tried the little vibrating papasan chair, I've tried the car seat, I've tried co-sleeping.  They all work sometimes and nothing works all of the time. So, I started the other day to let her cry it out. So, she cries. Then she works the blankets over her face and I can hear the panic so I go to her. We get her situated. She nuzzles, starts to sleep, wakes up a little, cries and the whole process starts. I've tried not using the blanket she loves to nuzzle and she just screams. It isn't cute little baby screams either, it's the scream that sounds like her vocal chords are being shredded and will soon cause vomiting.

She's stubborn. So am I. This is trouble and we haven't even really started. Matt called it "The unmovable object meets the impenetrable force."

When she does sleep good, she'll sleep all night, get up once, then she'll be up at 7AM SHARP. Well, she's up at 7am sharp every morning and the regularity of that is unnerving. I feed her, change her and then let her lay in be with me until Linus gets up. She falls asleep by then and then sleeps for 4 freaking hours. Matt has suggested that she sleep in bed with me tonight and if she sleeps well for a couple nights here, we may look into what we can do about getting a memory foam baby mattress.

They make those right?... I hope so, I do not want to be that couple that has a kid sleeping with them till they are 3. 4. 5. 10. Just because it's easier. Me? I don't sleep well when my baby sleeps in bed with me. And call me selfish, but I turn into el primo hag with a side of major don't-look-at-me-I'm-gonna-kill-you. My husband is that way when he hasn't eaten. He can go for days without sleeping and be pleasant and functional. Me? I can go for days without eating and be just fine, but I get only 8 hours of sleep, I am a little cranky. I go with only 3 to 5 hours like I have been, and I can barely get myself to the bathroom to pee. We don't get dressed, we stay in our jammies, I change the diapers only because I am empathetic and think they'd be AWFUL (not really, it's because I love them and don't want them to have owie diaper rashes, but you get the picture). Those are the days that Linus still gets his bottle in the morning. He and I sit and cuddle on the couch while he watches qubo and I get my small catnaps in. Once he's done watching tv, then we try to get going for the day, but sometimes I loose my cool, I cry, and I never once feel guilty that we've only just started getting going at noon. He loves the cuddling these days as do I. Bea is sleeping, so she doesn't care.

So, do I feel bad for making Little B cry it out? Of course I do. It makes me cry as she is crying. But at the same time, I know it isn't healthy for her to not be sleeping as little as she does. I know that I am doing what I feel is best for her and myself. I need her to be able to sleep all night. If I was like Matt and could survive on little to no sleep... I'd go to her all night and hold her as long as I could. I know that she hasn't had as much sleep as she should since I haven't been able to get the timing down like I did with Linus. She didn't nap after being up for an hour up to 3 months like the book suggests. No, she'd take one, maybe two naps a day. That isn't enough. She is showing the signs the book warns about with being sleep deprived. She is a hard baby and I am having a hard time keeping her sleeping as much as she should. She has this incessant whining that can go on for hours. It is grating on the nerves, but she was literally born doing that, so I put music on to tune it out. We are getting better, she and I. She sleeps in my bed during the day and sleeps longer and more often, so she sleeps longer at night, so she is a happier, better, easier baby. Unfortunately, we do have our setbacks because, like I said, nothing with her is consistent. Once I think I've got her dialed, she changes what she wants.

So, say I'm wrong, say I'm a bad parent and I'll probably go "momma bear" on you. Give me advice, share what you do with your kids, what your parents did with you, what you have heard works... I will listen, try what I can, and gracefully thank you for whatever you can tell me.

I do want to add one thing I told a friend of mine. I greatly respect your choices. I have met women who I thought were awful, horrible moms, and should never raise children. Ever. But I have the honor of knowing many, many friends and family members who are amazing. Some have easy kids, some have little demons (Miss K, your child by far is the scariest. She is scary smart and is lucky to have you for her mom because otherwise, she may be like Brain from Pinky and the Brain and try to take over the world. And succeed), and all of them have made some pretty great choices. I am awed and thankful to know so many moms who are so convicted in their choices in parenting their kids. You each have done very well by your kids so far as I have seen. I quite frankly had no idea that parenting would put you into "guilt hell" where you feel guilty for the choices you make because you never know at the time or if ever that they are the right ones. I personally don't feel ready to take on preschool, grade school, puberty, junior high, high school, DATING... the list goes on.

It gives me very different view on my parents. The people who have guided me, who knew all of the answers, provided me: food, shelter, clothing, who were always the smartest people I knew, were the strongest people I knew, they are the superheros. I can't fill those shoes. I still feel like I'm just a kid and still call my mommy cause I need her sometimes. Or I call my dad cause I have a problem and he can always fix it. I am terrified that I am going to mess up these little kids. They are going to be like my husband and me through high school. Little shits who I love and would still do anything for even though they are making choices that I can't comprehend or do anything about and have to fix when they realize they've made a mistake.

But don't tell me I'm doing it wrong dangit!

Huh, Bea just rolled over for the first time. Ugh, they grow up so fast. :)

Monday, February 15, 2010


I don't remember if I wrote this, or a friend, or if I found it somewhere...

You smell the sweet aroma,
You reach your hand out to touch.
The mirage dissapears,
With a slow, warm gust.

What is it that you savour,
Is it acceptance or love?
The thought slowly dissolves,
Slowly slithering off.

You feel you want to linger,
To reach for the sweet moment.
The feeling soon leaves you,
With a stale, transparent thought.

You turn your eyes toward heaven,
As the warm tears sting your eyes.
The loneliness lifts up,
As you forget the painful lies.

The newfound discovery,
Of God's love you have learned.
Love that will never leave you,
Until the end of the earth.

Now things are real to you,
You let God reach out to touch.
Now nothing dissapears,
And nothing ever lost.

Friday, February 12, 2010

The Sludge

I have hit my wall. I have hit my limit. I don't know what to do about it. I have not had a decent night's sleep in so long. I am getting crankier and my temper is getting shorter. If it isn't Bea staying up all night, it is my back and neck having such strong and painful spasms that I lay in bed and my head won't stay still and my back contorts and pulls other muscles because it's not supposed to bend that way. I have been in physical therapy for a little bit and it seems to be getting worse before it gets better.

I am now wading through neck high thick sludge that is guilt. I feel I am not a good wife, I am not a good mom, I am not a good dog mom. I don't have enough of me to go around. I am just done. I am sitting here crying because I am emotionally drained. I sit here on my bed looking around my bedroom at the piles of clothes. I need to do laundry and I need to put clothes away and can't get enough motivation to do that. When I start, I end up with a little boy trying to help me and it just triples any work I try to do. So, I try to get it done when he is asleep but now have a pile of his clothes sitting here that I never end up taking down to his room to put away.  I need to vacuum. My little dog won't go to the bathroom in the correct spot and she won't tell me when she has to go out because Blue tries to eat her. So in my baby's room there is dog poop and pee everywhere that I can't get clean. I can't afford just to get new carpet in there. My floor is a disaster because of the mud in the backyard and the dogs coming in and out. I don't have the time to take care of my dogs as they need. I have taken them for a walk once since October. I can't seem to even get the time to take 5 minutes here and there to work with Blue on puppy class stuff. It is all I can do to take the time to cuddle with them. Bea hasn't stopped crying all day and I don't know why. She will stop as soon as I pick her up. So I pick her up to stop her and then all I hear is silence and think "what is Linus getting into now?" So I find him in the midst of my makeup. Eyeshadow destroyed all around him, his finger stuck in my favorite lipstick up to his last knuckle. They don't make that lipstick anymore and it's now all over Linus. Does that even come out of clothes? I find myself losing my temper and instead of screaming at him I throw something out of frustration. He cries. Guilt. Bea is screaming again. I put her down and have to walk away because I am just so tired. I am tired of picking her up to turn around and having Linus in something. Sticking his finger in something, pulling something apart, leaving a bigger mess that I just can't bring myself to even clean because there will just be another one in 5 seconds. Bea won't stop crying. I try to shut myself in her room for just a second to compose myself and Linus pushes the door and comes in. I just need a second to compose myself. A second to breathe. I can't get a second. I shut the closet door and he starts screaming and banging on the door. A scream erupts out of me because I just need a second. It makes him cry harder. Guilt. I am sitting here on my bed and need to change the sheets and wash all of the blankets. Linus has figured out how to move the little trash can around and use it as a step stool and has poured my glass of water on my bed. There is so much that needs to be done around here and I don't feel like I even touch the surface of it. I need to go to the grocery store but at the mercy of the kids. I feel myself becoming apathetic due to my loss of any control I have. I can't even shower some days and it's so awful that when I do and Matt tells me how good I smell. Ya, it's cause I showered for the first time in 3 days. I hate feeling so gross. I hate feeling so frumpy. I don't fit in my pants. I look like a fat teenager who doesn't realize that the muffin top isn't cute. I bend over and my butt falls out because my pants don't fit right. My thighs are too big, my waist isn't as big, my pants just don't fit. My pregnancy pants don't fit right and the elastic doesn't hold up the pants. I look in my closet and don't like anything I have in there because it either doesn't fit, it's in poor condition, or it fits but it doesn't fit correctly so I am immodest and show underwear, butt crack, or too much cleavage. So, I end up wearing pajama pants and a tshirt. That's not attractive. Guilt. I hate when I start to drown in my guilt and my feeling of inadequacy. I don't feel like this always. But I feel like that right now. I just ate a pan of brownies. That will make my pants fit better. More guilt. My bathroom floor hasn't been clean in I don't know how long. My shower is disgusting. I need to go buy carpet shampoo but I have to wait for Bea to wake up. It was all I could do to get her to lay down. My son hugs me when I break down. Guilt. He shouldn't have to deal with that. The clutter is pushing me over the edge of my personal comfort zone, my sanity. I am a stay at home and can't keep my house clean. I can't keep my kids clean. I can't keep my dogs clean. I can't keep myself clean. When was the last time I brushed my teeth? I don't know.

So much for putting on makeup today. It's now running down my face and onto my clothes. I haven't even looked to see what's left and not ruined from little fingers. I hope Linus doesn't get sick, I was changing Bea's diaper and caught him chewing on the toiletbowl brush. Really? I would like to say it will get better, but then they turn into teenagers.  Thank heavens it's a 3 day weekend and that Matt is pretty patient with this handfull of crazy he married.

Linus is up. I can't hear him jumping in bed. It's the newest thing he's learned. I should add before I go down and get him out of bed. I don't yell at him very often. I usually silently scream, take a deep breath, try as I pleasantly can to talk to him. Maybe that's the cause of my pain in my back lately... keeping in the tension. I hate the first period after having a baby. Hormones are hard to deal with sometimes. 

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Bird, bird, bird. Bird is the word

In response to my "Houston, we have a problem" post. Bird is the word.

No. Not the stork.

The bird of freedom... so to speak... for a little longer until we actually decide to do this baby again if we actually DO decide.

So... deep sigh of relief, Matt is just a little disappointed (are you kidding? you might ask... no I'm not.) and I an spend more time enjoying my babies instead of throwing up.

Monday, February 8, 2010

The Scream

I wrote this in High School at some point. I am not sure when, there is no date, but it made me giggle. I do remember writing this in my bedroom one day.

Quit screaming, please! Why won't this woman quit screaming in my ear? It is starting to give me a slight headache. The extreme volume of her voice is making the inside of my head vibrate. I have begged and pleaded for her to stop. I am shouting at her now. Please don't scream anymore. You're hurting me. Everything is going black. I feel as though the walls are caving in. Everything is this scream! No, wait, the scream is changing. It is sounding a lot like...well actually...yes that's it. A bell. I breathe a sigh of relief as I knock my alarm clock off of my nightstand and it crashes onto my soft, blue carpet.

-Amanda Rose Bailey

That, my friends, is how I feel everytime I have to wake up to an alarm clock. Still. I set my alarm clock or phone to a song or light jingle and wake up so much better and peaceful than the awful beeping. That is why Matt has put away his screaming meanie and I nudge him every day to get up. Or, his alarm will wake me up from across the house and I will usually get up and make sure he gets up for the day.

Random Literature

Miss A suggested a little bit back that as I have been finding old bits of papers I have written, I should share them. I decided that was a good idea. I have found a few poems and random things that either I or someone else has written. I will give credit as credit is due, but as a teenager, I didn't really understand or appreciate the necessity of writing down the author of some things. If any of you know where they are from and can tell me the ones I don't know, that would be great. This first one is from LeAnn. (If you hate that I put this up, let me know and I'll take it down. I just love it and love that you are such a romantic. It always makes me smile and I wish I had more.)

In afternoon, evening, and night,
  I think, ponder, and wonder.
I cannot see if the tunnel gets bright
  but I know there must be an end.
I feel trapped like I am in a cage,
  I see him but he can't see me.
My heart aches so I scream and rage,
  but it's no use, he looks at another.
I think to myself, "Why do I like him?"
  For I know we never agree.
I start to close my eyes as the room grows dim,
  will I ever find love?

-LeAnn Baron Jensen

Houston, we have a problem...

Ok, the only reason I am posting this here, now, without further review, is that I have to get this off my chest. I am freaking out and don't have any valium. Nor can I take any at this moment due to the possibility. I have gone back on birth control pills due to the fact that I am no longer nursing. I just couldn't pump effectively or comfortably to enjoy nursing any longer. The pills have been making me so ill, that I have finally called to my OB for further bcp options. Matt has been kidding with me that I'm pregnant. I took a test today. Either I have a faint false positive or a faint OMG going on. Either way I'm freaking out man!! FREAKING OUT!!!! And I am sure that the stress and horribleness of not being able to get pregnant may be similar to the feeling I am having right now of "ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME AND I CAN'T STOP GETTING PREGNANT!!"

Please let this be a false positive and in two days there will be a brighter sunrise... I'm not sure I can deal if this is really real. I sure hope Matt doesn't give me another high five for this.

Friday, February 5, 2010

My side

Before Matt and I started to date, I made a few visits to his condo. He had done a lot of work on the parts that everyone sees, but his bedroom was very stark. There was a small, twin mattress on the floor. Not too long after we started dating, I made the announcement that I hated the mattress and would not be staying over. Make whatever conjecture you'd like about that statement, you are probably right, but for the sake of my children reading this in the future... well, no details.  I just figure that a man has every right to try to stake claims on a woman he has been in love with since he was 15 years old. This isn't what we were taught by our parents, it isn't what we were taught by our church, it isn't what we were taught period, but who am I to say what is ok in the eyes of our Lord, Jesus Christ in the year of 2007 what may have been preordained in the eyes of our Lord, Jesus Christ in the year 1978 and 1979 when we were both born. Soul Mates? Lame humans who make up their own rules? Who knows? No lectures please, we were almost 30 years old for pete's sake... I digress...

Pretty soon, my future husband bought a beautiful sleigh bed and a brand new, queen sized, oh so comfortable mattress. I would like to say that was the adult version of "will you go steady with me." I chose the right side and we got married soon after. 

I stayed on the right side until I got pregnant with Linus and switched to the left side of the bed. That would be the left and right side as you are laying down. I was so sick with Linus that I switched so I could be right under the window, I could learn to lay on my left side and not have to re-breathe air. Weird right? Those of you who have been pregnant... you know what I'm talking about. It may have been 20 degrees outside, but that was 20 degrees too warm and heaven forbid you add some carbon dioxide to the mix of the father of your baby. Then add the 15 pillows to support my ever growing, ever uncomfortable body. It soon became "my bed" and I'll let you lay on a corner. If you are lucky. Don't breathe on me.

We moved into our new apartment, we moved into our new house, we moved the bed to a different spot in the new house and I don't know what forces compel me to sleep on one side of the bed or the other, but it changes in regards to where the bed is placed. Maybe it's a long lost, passed from generation to generation, best possible direction to promote healthy baby growth if your body is facing due north-northeast kind of thing. I do know that the comfort of my 15 pillows didn't get a chance to go by the wayside before I got pregnant with Beatrice.

Quick, I know. I find the lack of sleep to be a type of "baby hell" and wanted to be finished as soon as possible. Even though I enjoy and love my babies more and more every day. It doesn't make me less of a hag when I get too little sleep. I just am learning how to keep the hag under wraps in front of the kids better and better... again... I digress.

So, in order for my husband, the love of my life, to get to share a bed with me, the ever growing, ever uncomfortable, ever increasing hag. He did the next best thing to getting a vasectomy (just kidding. kind of). He went and got a king sized bed. And he lugged the dang thing upstairs. And he bought a memory foam topper for it. I kind of think he likes me.

I have since then had my baby. She slept with us for a bit and is now on her own. Linus sleeps in his own bed and I have a freaking King size mattress to myself most days. Or a sofa. We've gotten to that place in our married, child filled, sleep deprived life that one of us inevitable either falls asleep on the couch, or ends up moving to the couch to put Bea in her swing at 4am so one of us can continue sleeping.

No, I don't usually let my baby sleep in a swing, but 2-4 times a week, 4am is her wakeup time and that's just too flipping early for me, so too the swing she goes to coo and giggle and entertain herself until 7am when Linus gets up.

It just makes me laugh that even now, with our king sized bed that would fit both of us, both kids, and all 3 dogs, it is usually just one of us sleeping in this behemoth. I take my little space or he takes his little space (except for the days he spreads from corner to corner to be funny) and leave the rest open. It's mostly because I have been pregnant and married longer than not pregnant and married. I still catch myself waking up and thinking...


That goes away right?

District 9

I will admit right off the bat that I am a complete alien, fantasy, comic book movie I love them. I love Star Wars. All 6 of them. Even the ones with Jarjar Binks. I love Superman. I love Christopher Reeve as Superman. At one point as a child I wanted to marry him and have little dark haired babies. I still have my R2D2 and C3PO under-roos tops from my preschool days along with my Princess Leia hairdo for preschool graduation. I love the movie "Predator". All of them. The whole idea that an alien comes to earth as a sport and only hunts the humans who are armed was a great idea to me. Plus Arnold Schwarzenegger is in one of them. I just watched Watchmen and Monsters vs Aliens and loved them. I also finally got to see District 9. Netflix Rocks!!

So. This is my post about District 9, Avatar, and a little of what I thought of them and how I felt about them. I am sure this is not the popular idea or even how it is. My interpretation of things. That's my disclaimer. I wanted to see District 9 when it came out, but it's hard to find girlfriends to go with. They usually want to see things like... oh, I don't know... not what I want to see. And nothing against my husbands friends who are also my friends, but it's weird to go out with them and not the hubs. Also, I just get to tired at night when I am up 2-4 times nightly and getting up for the day at 7am. Call me a wuss if you want, but that's how it is. I need my sleep. So, since I don't like to ask for help babysitting so Matt and I can go to the movies together, he goes and sees the cool ones with his friends and then we both watch them when they come out on DVD.

District 9... well, it was great. For how much they spent on it, the special effects and graphics were amazing. I liked the message behind it, much like there being a message behind Avatar. Matt and I got to see that one together thanks to the Grands. The message behind Avatar was very similar to every Native American/white man movie. And quite frankly, I wish there were more people that were willing to accept the ways of the native people in lands they invade. Maybe we should be more understanding of the Middle East and their ways. They aren't the United States and it's great that we are trying to help the people of those countries, but maybe we should be a little more understanding of their culture and their beliefs. Wouldn't that go a lot further than, "here, we are here to help. do things our way or die. you are either with us or against us". District 9 was more along the lines of Shindler's List and other Nazi/World War II type movies.

I think I really liked District 9 so much more because I have much more of an interest in World War II. I can't wrap my head around how a crazy, fanatical man started the idea and led a movement that ended up killing millions of people.  Granted, many good things came out of the testing and what not, but that doesn't in any way, shape, or form make me think that it is justified or ok. I would rather not have any of the medical, technical, or mechanical advances. If Hitler never happened, we would never know what we were missing. The whole Avatar/ Pocahontas story similarities don't hold as much of an interest because I think that the "whiteman" were in the wrong totally, but unfortunately it is human nature to want to control and rule and conquer. The part of District  9 that was just so sad to me is that it took 20 years for the aliens to produce enough power to go back to the ship to leave. The Earthlings did not want them there, but as soon as the "prawns" tried to leave, the government tried to shoot them down. Don't stay but you can't go. The

I was so surprised and saddened at both movies to see how awful but true our human nature is.

"That is not our way so we are going to change it or kill you trying to change it."
"You are different and therefore bad, evil, and unwanted."
"We don't want you here, but if you try to leave, we'll kill you."
"You are different and so are not intelligent and can't feel."

So so sad to me that there are so many now and in the past in a position of power who have felt and acted that way. And yet, we keep on trucking and we keep on killing and we keep on trying to better the next generation regardless. Again, these are my random rantings, feelings, whatever. It isn't meant to be an anti-American post. It isn't meant to be an anti-military post. It isn't meant to be a hateful post. It's just how I feel about the movies, the parallel to real life, and how my idealistic mind perceives it.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Holidays Part 2

As a kid growing up, there were four things I could always count on.  Christmas and Thanksgiving at Grandma and Grandpa's house and Christmas and Thanksgiving at Granny's house. On one hand I thought it was a little redundant but on the other hand, I loved it and looked forward to it. Redundant? You might ask, well as Granny and Mac were always invited to the Grand's house, and my mom's sister married my dad's brother, that left only one set of cousins that weren't at both. But, it also gave us more time to see and spend time with the set of cousins that lived in Salt Lake City whom we didn't see very often and always enjoyed spending time with.

This last holiday season, we tried to do the same thing. We invited Mac, Aunt Lynne, her kids who lived in town or were visiting, their kids, my mom and dad, and all of us siblings and our kids. Mac unfortunately couldn't make it, but being a pastor in Hyrum, he probably still had a very nice holiday. TJ was in town, so that was great. He stayed at my house a bit during his visit, so we brought him, Tyne's family made it, we had the shindig at Bethany's house, Mom and Dad were there, Aunt Lynne, Mackenzie, Madison and her kids, Chris and Jonelle and their kids.  We did a soup and dessert pot luck. It was delicious and so good and so easy. I'm so glad we were able to get together. We missed you Holsteins, Tishers, and Skylar!!

These first few are of the "kids" table. I just tried to get a few to get all of them in. I love the "cheese" faces they kept giving me. So Cute!!

This pic of Tytan was funny. I called his name and he looked up with that face. That's the only way I can get a decent picture of him. Otherwise he just makes dumb faces or hides.

Mik insisted I take her picture then she wouldn't even smile for it. She makes this spooky creep face on purpose because we laugh at it. I love this little girl. She's got quirks with a capital Q.

Little William "don't call him Liam" Hunter Rollins. He was a perfect mini-Tory for the longest time and now he's starting to really resemble Bethany. Either way, he is the cutest, smiliest, chunk of a baby I've ever seen.

These are the 3 brothers. Tory to be Bethany's husband, my Matthew, and my BIG little brother. I am glad Tory got TJ to laugh instead of the weird creepy face he always makes... huh... kinda like Mikayla. 

Chase. Tyne's youngest who is a month older than Linus.. He is so stinking cute!!! At the bottom I'll post a video you have to watch. He is just a little doll.

Hahaha another "Hey Tytan" and he looked up picture. He's too cute to wast on silly faces. 

Lily Edwards. Chris and Jonelle's little girl. She is a beauty. I see Lynne and Jonelle in her little face. I just love seeing the mixture of family member in their little kids. Oh, and Linus's face. He's sucking on a baby monitor.

Fancy Lady Mackenzie visiting us from Pasadena. Talking to her, I always think that she and Bethany were actually twin spirits and were separated into two babies. They have always been two peas in a pod and they are both so similar. I think I need her to take me shopping. She's got a great sense of style whereas I do not.

Ah, the joys of parenting. Bella insisted on dressing up and so she wore her skirt. Her mom and Gramma had to play dressup along with her. Madison was gracious enough to pose for me in her princess garb.

Tyler in his Broncos jersey and jammy pants. This is a kid after my own heart. He wears them all of the time.

Gavin. He may be my favorite kid ever. I don't know why, he just is. And right by his face is TJ's face pubes.

My hubs won't smile for the camera. This may be the funniest face I've gotten yet. I just wanted to world to see.

My pops sitting and chillin in his chair.  I think he fell asleep.

For some reason, Linus has started to put things in his ear. He was using the mermaid's hand to itch his ear. But on a different note, he does enjoy the dolls. Sorry, Matt, but he does.

Like I mentioned, Tytan doesn't like getting his picture taken and always does something strange. I just couldn't help myself but to take his picture with a Bumbo on his head.

Chris and his wife Jonelle. I love them. They are funny and cute and their kids are adorable. 

Another Matt "face".

I took a picture of Jackson just because I think he is adorable and I love the faces he makes. They remind me of some of my kids pictures minus the ugly hair and freckles.

I think that Tytan and Tyler may be Linus's  favorite people on my side of the family. He loves to play and rough house with them. They can get him to belly laugh every time.

Cute picture of my mom and Bethany.

HAHAHAHAHA! Mikayla was picking on TJ and so I got a picture of it and it just makes me giggle. I will put this with the rest of the funnyface category.

The beautiful Lily. I am sorry she has red-eye. I have a kind of crappy point and shoot camera.

Look at the gorgeous curls!! 

Mikayla- Like mother like daughter. Or Aunt.

I think this is the only picture I got of Lynne.

The two peas.

Bella was putting these on her ears and wearing them like earrings. I tried to get the picture before they fell off, but failed. I did get the one though.

And this is what Bea did the whole time...