Tuesday, June 29, 2010


My husband has some pretty awesome facial hair.
He had some pretty awesome facial hair in high school.

I am pretty sure he's the reason I love goatees and sideburns so much. And if he'd ever go to an actual hairstylist, he'd have hair to rival Patrick Dempsey. In fact, I think he kind of looks like McDreamy, but that's just cause I think my hubs is pretty hot.

Anyway, he does strange random things with his facial hair.

Grows a beard.

Shaves it off.

Grows it back.

Shaves in a goatee.

Shaves the goatee.

Leaves the mustache. *shiver*

Shaves it off.


This time, he had this desire to look like Wolverine. So,  I helped him out a little bit and he had these amazing chops.

I hated them.

Then they started to grow on me and I decided that it was very '70's and I kind of thought they were hot. Expecially when he wore his jeans and button up shirts with his tie.

He shaved them off yesterday.

He was getting too famous for having such amazing chops.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I have a dream

Since becoming a parent, I have taken more of a notice of the news, blogs, friends' accounts of things and I have a dream.

I read a blog where one woman lost her baby to SIDS. I just found out that my husband's aunt lost her baby at 10 months old. Watching the news, there are accounts of children dying everyday. A couple I knew in High School just spend too long in Primary Children's Hospital dealing with their daughter who had a brain tumor and there were moments where they weren't sure she'd make it. I read another blog where his daughter was born with a birth defect and wasn't expected to live and, against all odds, is now home and they are just biding their time before she leaves them.

Every day, I hear about a loss that every parent dreads. And I wonder how the nameless, faceless families pay for this.

Matt commented that before people moved across the state, country, or world to live, there were better support systems. Now, there just isn't that support system for a lot of families.

I want to start a foundation called "Angels Returned".

There are so many tragedies that families get bank accounts set up for them. The community really helps out either because it is such a heinous event or because they are more well known in their community. Which is so great for those families. But what about the ones whose children are dying from sicknesses? Whose SIDS babies aren't mentioned in the news? The families don't go to church?

I can't even imagine having to deal with losing my child and then having to pay for a funeral. There are always so many medical expenses accrued. Regardless of how the child died, they end up in the hospital. Or maybe they've been in the hospital for a while. No matter how a child dies, I want to start a foundation to pay for the final expenses of a funeral.

My dream would allow all hospitals to give families the number so we could pay for the funeral of all children 18 and younger. No matter the reason, be it suicide, cancer, accident of any kind, SIDS, still births, birth defects, tragedy of any kind. Just because a family knows a child may die from a birth defect or sickness and they have a little more time to deal with the grieving process doesn't make it any easier than those who suddenly lose a child. Not that I know, but I can only think a child lost is a child lost.

I have no idea how to start something like this. I am pretty sure that this thought is WAY over my head.

This is the stuff that runs through my head at night and why I can't sleep. Why does one child's tragedy and untimely death deem more importance than another? Just because the family are immigrants the child isn't as important? Because it was from "natural" causes it's not as important and the family doesn't need the help?

I know from watching my husband's grandparents burying their child who was in her 50's, that no matter the age of the child, to bury your child is unnatural and is devastating. Who needs to add the cost of a funeral and planning the danged thing to the mix?

So...I have a dream. I'd like to try to make those last decisions that some families have to make a lot less difficult. Take away the money issues. Let them know that it is taken care of. Be together with the rest of you family and love them. I want to ease the pain of the survivors of child death.

Normal 24 hours

I just wonder some days if my days are more ridiculous than most deal with.

My day ended at 12ish midnight-ish. I am convinced it isn't insomnia my husband suffers from but a lack of being able to turn his head off and he was oh so very nice to pass that on to me.

I was awakened at 2ish due to what I can only name as Linus having a night terror. He on occasion just wakes up screaming. He doesn't want to be touched, doesn't want to be held, doesn't want to be in bed, doesn't want to be out of bed, doesn't want a diaper change, doesn't want a drink, nothing calms him down. Matt wasn't having any success, so he came and got me. Because he does have to go to work in the morning, I told him to go on to bed and I'd try to figure Linus out and get him settled. I laid him next to me on our twin bed/makeshift sofa and he cuddled right in and fell asleep.

I was again awakened at 5am from a foot placed not so gently on my face as Linus shifted. So I figured I could put him to bed.

I checked my alarm which I had set earlier in the evening to make sure it was going to go off as I had an appointment at 7:30. I woke up again about 10 minutes before the alarm was supposed to go off and figured I'd just lay there for a minute.

The alarm didn't go off.

My phone has an alarm set up for dummies. Who are drunk. And incapacitated in every other way imaginable. It's fool proof. It's so simple, I am pretty sure my baby girl could set it. And I messed the thing up!


So, I jumped out of bed at 7am, did a quick body shower, brush teeth, wipe face, run out the door, oh wait Bea is up, get her a bottle, put her in bed with Matt, and then really run out the door. I rushed to Primary Children's Hospital for the appointment and barely made it on time. Whew.

I was a little frazzled about this because of the nature of my visit. I work for a Doctor who is participating in a trial study for Type 1 diabetes. Family members come in and we are checking to see if they have auto-antibodies that might cause them to develop Type 1 diabetes. It's so important to get as many samples as we can and I think it's important for parents to be informed as much as possible. One family member in particular was in a situation that the mother really wanted her to be part of the study, but she is of a decreased mental status and medical scenarios cause severe anxiety. I was allowed to go to the hospital where they had her sedated for a different procedure and we were able to get a sample this way. It was so so great the mother and the hospital allowed us to do this.

And they were a half hour late.

It's not a normal scenario for me, for one, and then I was thinking I was going to be late because I am too dumb to work a dumbed down alarm clock.

Things did work out for the best, I got to sit and play with this little girl for a minute and it was fun for me AND I didn't have to stick her, the IV team did that. Not a bad deal huh?

So, I got home and for some reason, my eyes where just so heavy I just couldn't keep them open. Oh ya, I'd been up and down all night. I forgot. So I figured I'd get Bea down for her nap, Linus situated on our couch/bed to watch a movie, and I'd nap for a half hour.

2 hours later, we all woke up at the same time. Sigh. How do you ladies out there deal with the lack of sleep? I was afraid to drive! It's even worse now that I am on a hormone free birth control and my PMS is worse. Ya, that would be this week.

So, not only am I stuck in slow mo. I am exhausted, I am starving, I am so irritable I can't even stand to be in my own skin. And I am dealing with a 2 year old and an 8 month old going on 2.

So, I spent the next 3 hours trying to get us both ready. Bea is so interested in what is going on that I can't just put a bottle in her mouth and move on to the next thing. Linus doesn't want her playing with anything, she wants to play with everything, and OH THE WORLD JUST ENDED!!! Bea is touching his blanket! Then he wants to cuddle her and he lays on top of her and does his crocodile death roll. He manages to roll over in place and she's not much of a fan. So I am constantly picking her up to bring her back to me, "Linus quit laying on your sister!", "Linus, please don't put things in her face", "SERIOUSLY QUIT LAYING ON YOUR SISTER!!", "Bea, come here! Don't put that in your mouth! Where did you get that?!" And so on. Then there are diapers. The tantrums. My decreased mental status because I am having PMS. I am running up the stairs 15 times because I keep forgetting something.


I don't deal with distractions when I am tired.

I still had to run and process that sample of blood for testing so I was running out the door. Again. On my way out, I figured I'd make Bea a bottle to go, Linus pulled on me and my hand couldn't get out in time and I ended up dumping the whole can of formula on the floor. And I left it.

So, my poor husband came home to no dishes having been done, formula all over the floor, I haven't put any laundry away, the recycle can is overflowing, there are toys and books and clothes all over the floor. And I've been home most of the day. WTF have I been doing all day?

Oh, and the best part is that Saturday to Sunday, Matt's mom and dad watched the kids. Apparently they inherited my sister's inability to poop not at home. Neither one of them did the whole time they were at Grandma and Grandpa's house. But starting Monday morning, all day, every diaper. Gross.

AND I am the biggest jerk of a mom. Linus loves to walk around the block, and normally I am all for it. So we got going. I carried Bea and Linus walked. We got up a block and got to the middle of the next block and he wouldn't go any more. He wanted me to carry him. I made him walk home because I am not going to carry 50 pounds of babies down the hill. We got home and realized he was walking funny. So.... he had been drinking a lot of orange juice and he had diarrhea and I couldn't smell it and it ran down his leg and burned both legs. So, me being the jerk that I am, made him walk home and cause it to hurt that much more. I felt so so bad! I couldn't even get him to shower. So, I let him run around naked the rest of Monday.

Anyway, jumping back to Tuesday, Linus didn't want to wear his clothes because of his owies. So we fought over that, we fought over what he was going to drink, what he was going to eat, that it was time to come inside so we could get ready to go. He pushes his boundaries every chance he gets. And he's so little, I keep thinking he doesn't know better, but he does. He understands exactly what I am saying. And he proves it every time he gives me a sideways glance to see if I'm still watching and he STILL tries to do what I've asked him not to do. Like laying on his sister.

After processing the sample, I still had to run to Brigham. I wasn't able to get 1/16 of the things done that I needed.

I got home at 11pm and decided I needed to run around the block a couple of times and hopefully that would turn my mind off a little bit. I am not one who gets energized by excercise, it just makes me want to sleep. So, day 1 of running, 0.83 miles in 7 minutes. It's crap but keep in mind I don't run. and two blocks were uphill. I was pretty proud of myself.

Oh, I also had to buy crickets to feed the spiders and figured I'd feed the hedgehog. I watched her a minute. Finally went to be by 12:40 only to start the next day at 6:00am.

And I don't think I got anything done.

But it sure is fun to play with the kids. And this isn't even one of my more strange days.

Pretty done

Ok, Universe? God? Whoever is up there? No more funerals for a little while ok?

I know that this one was looming on the horizon, then it wasn't, then boom! It hit.

So I had a long old post writing about the whole thing and then just kind of realized, it wasn't my story to tell. She a very nice lady and I liked her a lot. But she isn't my family per se. So, really... this is what I have to say...

Tami Ann Hadfield Beagley,

You had inner demons that you fought. They were not a secret in the family. You tried, you worked to get better, you would be on  your own, and you would fall. Your parents were amazing. They loved you unconditionally and did everything they could to help you. All they wanted was for you to be better.

Not long before you died, it was mentioned to us that you had said, "All I want is to be HAPPY."

For some people they wouldn't understand. For some others, we understand that it's a battle.

Pretty soon, you got sick, we didn't think you'd be coming back. Yet, defying all odds, you did. I hope that you coming back, lucid, and with no brain damage served what I think it did. I kind of see it that you were able to finally part ways with your daughters on better terms that you would have otherwise. Then, you just died. Poof. Just like that. It really threw us all for a loop and left everyone in a state of shock.

I, personally, did not get to know you as well as I'd have liked. I really liked you and certainly brought my love for you when Matt's family became mine.

So, I hope that you have found your peace, your happiness, and you are once again spending time with your son whom you lost too soon.

Love, Amanda

Rest In Peace Tami
March 20, 1958- June 3, 2101

Friday, June 11, 2010

Random Strangeness

I was surfing the other day.

The internet. Not the Ocean.

Anyway, I found these random strange laws. They make me giggle. So I thought I'd share. I did copy and paste from the site and so I hope they are all there and all together... enjoy. I certainly did.

It’s illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.

Whispering in someone’s ear while he’s moose hunting is prohibited.

Cutting down a cactus may earn you a twenty-five-year prison term.

It’s illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas.

You may not eat an orange in your bathtub.

It’s unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor (Denver).

A pickle cannot actually be a pickle unless it bounces.

It’s illegal to get married on a dare.

Washington, D.C.
It’s against the law to post a public notice calling someone a coward for refusing to accept a challenge to duel.

If you tie an elephant to a parking meter, you must pay the same parking fee as you would for a vehicle.

It’s illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless you draw the shades first.

All residents may be fined for not owning a boat.

A man must not give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing fewer than fifty pounds.

It’s illegal to take a French poodle to the opera (Chicago).

The value of pi is 4, and not 3.1415.

One-armed piano players must perform for free.

It’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits (Natoma).

Every citizen is required to take a shower once a year.

Biting someone with your natural teeth constitutes simple assault, but biting someone with your false teeth classifies as aggravated assault.

If you keep your Christmas decorations on display after January 14, you’ll be fined.

It’s against the law to wash or scrub a sink, no matter how dirty it is (Baltimore).

No gorilla is allowed in the backseat of any car.

A woman may not cut her own hair without her husband’s permission.

It’s illegal to paint a sparrow with the intent of selling it as a parakeet (Harper Woods).

Walking a dog without dressing it in diapers is forbidden (Temperance).

Children may buy shotguns in Kansas City, but not toy cap guns.

It’s a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail.

Bar owners may not sell beer unless they brew a kettle of soup simultaneously.

It’s illegal for men with mustaches to kiss women.

New Hampshire
It’s forbidden to sell the clothes you’re wearing to pay off a gambling debt.

New Jersey
It’s against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.

New Mexico
Females may not appear unshaven in public.

New York
While riding in an elevator, you must talk to no one, fold your hands, and look toward the door.

North Carolina
It’s against the law to sing off-key.

North Dakota
It’s illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.

You must honk the horn whenever you pass another car, according to the state’s driver’s education manual.

It’s forbidden to take a bite out of another person’s hamburger.

State law requires dishes to be drip-dried.

It’s illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors.

Rhode Island
You may not bite off another person’s leg.

South Carolina
If a man promises to marry an unmarried woman, he is required by law to keep his promise.

South Dakota
It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.

Selling hollow logs is strictly forbidden.

You may not shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.

It is illegal not to drink milk.

Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

Tickling a woman is unlawful.

It’s illegal to pretend that one’s parents are wealthy.

West Virginia
If you make fun of someone who does not accept a challenge, you risk a six-month prison sentence.

Unless a customer specifically requests it, margarine may not be substituted for butter in a restaurant.

Unless you have an official permit, you may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I have the right to be who I am

That is what I learned on Sunday.

I am not gay. I am not trans-gender. And most days I am not bi-sexual or lesbian. The days I wonder are the days that being married to a man isn't one of my many blessings. And I am pretty sure that in the open mindset that I have and in the era that I live, I do find a woman on occasion that I find beautiful or intriguing. Then I come back to reality and remember that I do, in fact, enjoy men more and more particularly enjoy my husband.

I have had the pleasure in my lifetime gotten to meet and become friends with individuals who fall into the LGBT category. I also have had the DISpleasure of meeting individuals who fall into the LGBT category. It turns out, ladies and gentlemen, they aren't any different than those who I've met and become friends with or met and found I very much dislike who are heterosexual.

Guess what?

They are people too. Just like people of different races and people from different countries. They all have their own traditions, way of life, things they celebrate that are different than what I traditionally grew up with.

What I like most about the LGBT community is that they seem to be the most accepting group of EVERYONE I have met. I want my kids to be raised to be accepting of everyone the way I was and so I took Linus with me to the Pride Festival that was held in downtown SLC.

The festival was just like any other festival. There were the normal every day people. A few who were a little more glamorous and beautiful than normal people. And the obscene and over the top. Instead of it being white trash, it was gays, lesbians, and the occasional drag queen.

I enjoyed looking at the booths, the people, and enjoying the food.

Linus is at a stage in his development where he wants to be independent. Of course, that isn't always easy to achieve. Especially when we are out in public and there are a lot of people milling around. Matt bought him a backpack that has an attachable leash. I put that on him when he wants to walk around. That way I don't have to spend my time and mental focus on watching where he is all of the time. He walked around, enjoying the festival and others watched him and giggled.

It is very funny to hear the comments as we walk by. You can certainly tell those who have kids and those who don't.

From those who have kids, "That is the greatest invention EVER!" "Isn't that the best thing?"

From those who don't, "Hmmmm, I'm not too sure about the dog leash thing." "He's a kid, not a dog." "Backpack is cute, but what's up with the leash?"

Good thing I don't care what people think of my parenting skills huh?

Linus started to get bored and having a little temper tantrum right about the time we walked past a booth with a lady selling things for kids. Puppets, practical joke props, and....a bubble gun! Linus had to have it and I had to get it for him. He loves bubbles and I knew it would keep him occupied for a while.

I was right about it keeping him occupied. I was not, however, expecting all of the reactions we got from the bubble gun. He managed to shoot 3 out of 5 people there and not one of them was weird about it. Not one of them looked at me like, "Reign that kid of yours in would you?" Not one of them acted bugged by it. How great it was! All of them giggled, laughed, told him how cool his gun was, asked to be shot again, asked where we got it...one or multiples of these responses by everyone. Even though the bubble solution was stinky and slimy. And sometimes it got into food. No one complained or looked at me cross eyed.

Everyone was especially friendly and it was a very pleasant way to spend my Sunday brunch time.

So, as I've said, I have had the pleasure of meeting those who are LBGT. I have had the displeasure as well. I have seen the joy and happiness of those who have embraced who they are. I have seen the sadness and loss of those who have embraced who they are and have not been accepted. I have seen the anger and self destruction of those who don't embrace who they are because they don't think they have the right. I know that for some reason this is a controversial subject. That people think this is an awful way to be and can't stand supporting those who are "different." I for one, was taught Jesus loves everyone. I also was taught that everyone sins. So...if you feel this is a sin...*shrug* who are you to point a finger? I'm pretty sure that the fly on your wall has a few stories to tell itself.

I have the right to be who I am. Shouldn't everyone?

Thursday, June 3, 2010


I have been debating this posting for a while now.
I want to write it.
I don't want to write it.
I want to get it off my chest.
I don't want people to know that I feel this way.
I don't think people reading this will understand.

*deep breath* here goes...

I have, since becoming a parent, become enormously offended by the acts of a certain mother. I can't even fathom where this mother's head is. In fact, I am pretty sure that she is not, in fact, in any right mind. Not that she is particularly crazy, but just not in her right mind.

I have not read many of the news documents but I find it an abomination what she has done or allowed to be done to her son.

I will not be posting her name. She does not have a name any longer, just a number that will be assigned to her in prison. I am afraid that she and her husband are crazy enough to think it's great that their names are in the news, in the paper, all over the internet. I refuse to play into the possibility that they have a desire to be famous and now they've accomplished this. To me, you hurt a child, you are no longer a human being. It is ingrained to protect your young.

This poor little boy has suffered at the hands of monsters.

I believe in God. I believe in heaven. I believe he is there.

I am disgusted at what this poor little boy suffered, but at the same time, he didn't have to suffer for years like others have. He is gone now. He is in paradise. I can't be sad he is dead. I am not very sad when most people die. It's hard for me to be sad for someone I don't know. Especially when I don't know what's in store for them for the afterlife. I think it's usually a good thing. It's either probably better there than here or better for those here to have that person gone... does that even make sense? I can't grieve for people I don't know. I can grieve WITH people I see grieving though. I can feel a loss when a tragedy happens.  I can even feel anger. But I don't often feel sad unless it is someone I know. Then, I am usually grieving for MY loss. Not theirs.

I cried. Hard. When my Granny died. I still feel an empty place at times. Especially when I eat a BLT, Malt-o-Meal, or Cup O'Noodle Soup. I smile when I see Mary Kay makeup. I dream of her. She gives me good advice at night. She told me she really liked Matt and that he was a good choice. She approved.  But I didn't cry for her. I didn't cry for her death. I was joyous. I was so happy for her. I celebrated her life. I was sad for me and my family.

What I am torn about right now, is that there are children who are suffering right now. Who are tortured. Who are raped. Who are beaten. Who are starved. The list goes on and, unfortunately, on. I feel sad that more isn't being done for them. This particular case has sparked a lot of interest, a lot of fund raisers, a lot in the news, walks, etc. And maybe it's because it is so much more in my face due to the internet. But, I feel sad for those who don't get this. I feel sad for those families who have to bear the brunt of the bills incurred during death by themselves.

I guess what I wish is that if the suffering of children can not be stopped, I wish there was a group who did walks and charities that families could go to. Maybe not even for just families who have monsters that get their children, but for those who suffer loss from sickness or even the irrational SIDS death. (I say irrational because no one really knows what causes it and it's got to be heart wrenching to just have a child die.) That it not just be for one child. I don't know if there is one. If there is, I would like to try to get the word out. I can not even begin to imagine the loss of a child. But to lose your child in some manner and then watch as another family is able to "profit" from the death of their child would be adding insult to injury.

When I say "profit" I don't mean it in that sense, I can not think of another term.

Anyway, Saturday, I am going to a benefit to help raise money for the expenses that travel and death can accrue. I am going to give money and try to offer help. Here is the info if anyone is interested in helping. One day, if I become more organized, maybe I can start a charity for families. Until then...

Saturday, June 5, 2010
10:00am - 2:00pm
4331 West 8970 South West Jordan, Ut


Come out and help us gather up funds for the Ethan Stacy fund.

Money will help out with the funeral costs, travel expenses, hotel accommodations, and more, for the family.

A lot of great vendors will be there!!!

Saturday, June 5th

4331 West 8970 South
West Jordan, UT

10 am - 2 pm

Raffle tickets, $5 each, with the grand prize being a vacation voucher.
Raffle takes place at 2 pm

If you can't make it, and would like to help, here is the info for you to donate money.

Money is needed, and much appreciated.

TruPoint Bank
PO Box 1010
Grundy, VA 24614

Pay to the order of: Memorial Fund for Ethan Stacy

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Small Joys

She is small. 3 pounds.
 She is my joy.
 And I get to watch her for a week. 

Nothing against you Michael, but you can go on more trips... I don't mind. :)

I just miss my Pali and it makes me happy to have her in my care for a week.