Monday, August 17, 2009
Cause I'm the mom.
I love being a parent. I never thought I'd like it, let alone love it. But I am finding that I enjoy it more and more every day. I am not sure that I like being the mom as much... =)
At first, I hated being the mom. I hated that regardless of there being two parents, I felt I was the one that sacrificed myself the most. I sacrificed my body for 9 months, my boobs as long as I could breastfeed, and my time and interests. At the time I felt that dad got to go to work, come home and cuddle him, and then go off and do whatever it was that he wanted to do. I understand now, that in my poor postpartum status, I didn't really see the sacrifices that dad made too. It wasn't that he didn't want to hang out and take Linus for me and give me breaks away, he really was so busy getting our house livable and trying to make a living to keep our roof over our heads that he didn't get to see the baby as often as he wanted to. I am sure that it didn't help that we were all up at all hours of the night, me taking care of baby and Matt taking care of me.
I did feel a resentful, and still do just a little, that he is able to go out more than I am. I am learning to accept a few things about that situation. Not only does he have more friends than I do, he has more single friends. That first and foremost is why he goes out more. His friends are great and do invite me instead of him, but I feel I have my hot baths and my books to escape, he has his friends, so he kind of deserves to go instead of me. He works SO HARD not only at work to keep us in food and a roof over our heads, but he works dang hard at home to repair everything and keep it livable. He has done so much to the electrical, the basement, the yard, the cars, etc. And if it isn't one thing it's another. I think I feel just a little resentful because being pregnant means your body isn't yours for 9 months. It is all about the baby. It takes over, weight gain, I feel like I have a planet getting ready to mitosis out of my body and start orbiting. It moves on it's own accord and doesn't move with me when I walk. I have to eat healthy, I have to avoid certain things like sushi and deli meats, I can't partake of a beer if I feel I want one after a really hard day or just when ever, I can't do anything without thinking of my baby first. Matt gets to do whatever he wants to relax and unwind. If he wants to have a beer, well, he can. Or two or three or a dozen. It doesn't matter. It's hard having people over at all hours because I can't stay awake. He can have friends over and chill till the wee hours. It's just hard knowing that I don't get an outlet for relaxation and the only one I really want right now, I can't afford (prenatal massages are expensive.)
So, this past weekend, Matt talked to me about going to see a movie we have both been wanting to see. He took it upon himself to find a babysitter, which is usually my job, and found it to be a daunting task. Needless to say, I didn't get to see the movie this weekend. Matt on the other hand liked it. I tried really hard not to feel bad about it and only for maybe a half hour did I feel bad. I got over it pretty quick and reminded myself all of the things I am grateful for regarding Matt and that he deserves some time off with the boys without wifey-poo right there. We used to be friends and hang out, now we are married and are together all of the time. It's good to have a break.
So, cause I'm the mom, I stay at home with Linus, I take him with me everywhere I go, and I'm starting to get used to it, be ok with it, and even like it. It's a good thing, Little B will be here shortly.